Comfort in the stars…

Awake before dawn.
Awake as mist once clinging to colder stones eases away from night. Awake and recognising smaller stones as unfriends that dug gently during this colder dark to create half sleep, thankful of them but wanting easier company in such distressed times.
For amongst us is one who kills, one who ends for others their terror and dis-ease of time spent here in mouldered blankets. He comes quiet, I know it is he for I have seen him despatch misshapes before full light would expose such Samaritan aid. We are cowards here, clinging to life; sordid as such it is, for we have not the strength to finish the slide we started however and whenever we first toppled. He has spied my eyes before peering over damp blankets, knowing I know his business, yet can not, will not stop what he needs must do. Since that time he glances quickly, quietly in my direction whenever his work is discovered, his eyes reflect mine own in mute wonder that I say nothing of his handicraft, that I cannot stir to denounce horrors.
I have learnt here to say nothing of importance, such irresponsibility leads to danger that only living cannot endure. Others, newer to these low places, arrive with hope left tucked into recesses of yet completely sodden brainstems, tucked amongst meagre possessions smaller still images of lives once led, lives that could still yet be resurrected, lives torn in all ways but for their clinging vainly to hope.
In amongst these shadows hope is the worst curse amongst the potions that led us down, no drug, booze will tear a heart in the vicious cruel manner hope brings, hope will remind of what once was, hope rips into sleep and day dreams, creating pain where palliatives eased. Those of us with such knowledge avoid newer arriving blood; such taints are best avoided unless pain is needed as spur for higher violence. Violence is not new, we are past masters, taking the little left from another is no longer low, there is no low anymore in this place where to steal another’s crumb creates continuance and another day of life. We are cowards for we will take these easier plumbed roads hanging onto grey cold rather than lay still to bring on end.
He has struck again in this night, I saw his shape flit amongst the rags, stoop briefly and go, returning to his own bundle, silently, without dramatic stealth but quiet as such trade demands. He is looking at me now as discovery is made; meagre tarnished possessions shared and the body slipped into the river. I wonder if he knows, cares, that eventually inquiries will be made in the world above us, these things matter to those who exist in other places, where light, goods and continuing breath carries meaning. Those who guard their gaudy baubles will some time soon come to begin questions the origin of thin-skinned skeleton figures floating through to reminding of fate. Not that they will chase too hard perpetrator of such deeds, more to push away from their own areas those, he, who would do this. Ghostly reminders floating in the river create reminders for their masters of how life can be and nothing must, should, interfere with mirages created by wealth and hope burnished bright by breath suspending belief. Running dogs will arrive; sniff around, finding nothing obvious to cause such ghastly river ships and then will leave.
Maybe they will find evidence of drugs amongst our ruins, one or two will be taken into custody, given charitable status: clothes, baths, hot meals, possibly tobacco or small amounts of cash. Such are death knell ownings, if they return before tobacco, money, clothing are gone, bartered, drunk, then fights will break out to take same. Shitty, nasty, little knife fights where the first blows are struck from behind or a lurching running trot to strike without fear of return blow. One will fall and others then swarm to take whatever can be clutched. They will and must return, knowing that this will happen but having nowhere else to go or future to create understanding that destiny wears many hoods.
Maybe he wants these things to occur, part of crazed plan, created during wild night when wind howled to throw stench of humanity about. Possibly his hands can only destroy little and he wishes for the whirlwind return and convince others of wisdom in his plan. Such are wild guesses, taken by one who huddles deeper into blankets, observing tightly, avoiding own demise yet viewing all eyes another slipping into the final night. He ties a cloth, ligature, tight around throat, quickly, violently, strong enough that fingers cannot slip under to loosen, tight enough to disorient thought as they waken to die, struggling, choking for breath. Though too, older ones slip in sleep, a shudder gently shaking as breath stops and automatic reactions begin, no noise escapes in these final encounters. The ligature strapped against vocal cords, tightened to crush windpipe does not allow, only slight threshing sounds of stick thin bones against damp rag cloth. He appears not to notice, want such recognition of his craft, he bends, ties and is gone, it is only I open for observance.
Day breaks: my blanket lofted on stick to allow air through, what little sun invades here to dry. Little mercies create sufferance in cold nights. My place now is to find cans, discarded cans of revellers from evening before, cans from younger people, eyes bright in glow of lust of each other, light dotted by reflected cigarettes and streetlamps as they kiss in darker corners. They cannot see me as I gaze upon them from below. I catch their antics: furtive couplings and groanings, bared flesh that once I too would have wanted to caress, roughly squeeze in lust, now my eyes follow bounce of cans thrown down as lust takes over, mind following to pick up in mornings. My round is short, stuffing sack with discards and anything else that appears sellable, tradeable. Intrusion, trading as care happens occasionally, these I rebuff; another’s hope or dreams are more burden than any needs to bear. Once, Danny was taken up in a weaker moment by these offers, dressed in second hand sheepskin and old but newer to him boots. His family found, prodigal son scenes from family forgotten by need to hide pain. Dead. Two weeks. The good food and soft bed crippled him, arthritis hidden by damp flared in warmth and care. His family shamed by his finding, killed with kindness, Danny now in a marked grave to show spike of hope needed by another masquerading in kindness. All this not written on the lines in the newspaper blown in by colder winds.
My cans I sell to the scrap merchant, enough for a day’s bread, something to drink, herd out the cold. Occasionally, mainly after weekends there is enough for a hot meal, this taken out back of cafes where cooks slip on extra sausage, beans, bread: “To fill you up”
I cannot finish these meals and instead slide sausage into pockets and throw them to the mob who wait my return, if they smelt instead of being thrown, my pockets would be slit further only my own knife could hold them back. Hot meals hold me for a day or two, round and large, radiating heat through gut. Creating unused to internal sounds. Feelings of grease, over satisfaction and slowness. Hot meals create danger.
Today is one of those. My cans safe behind flattened tin junkyard wall, coins in pocket. The cafe has changed hands many times, though each owner appears to knows me, they jerk their heads back to tell me to go round the back, their nostrils flaring, customers wrinkling theirs at my appearance. I forget I smell to them, they smell to me of chemicals, kitchens and milk dried from puddles. Their view wins and I go out back, sitting on greasy buckets, forking in beans, eggs, gravy, anything the cook will spare, thinks I need. He stands hands on hips, once white pink and blood stained apron covering generous gut, smoking, blowing breath toward me, disgust etched into eye corners and mouth.
” You’re a fucking mess, whydontcha get a job?”
After a while his energy slows, his eyes move to wary, shame at himself for jeering, he offers a coat, a shirt, shoes. I take them, finish my food and sell them just as quickly for a bottle. Their new owner peels old clothes there in the street, low sun catching his grey skin in shadows, hollows and translucence, he is pleased but now would like a nip back from the bottle> I glare and he leaves, too large shoes flip flapping on the pavement. I sit by the river, watching the traffic, ships, boats, pleasurecraft, sailors all. All shifting, weaving to and fro, goods shipped downstream, back up, then down and onto elsewhere again. Dizzied by bottle, noise, traffic speed and light, the day has passed before me.
Back to below, the hidden river, stationed by the last dregs and watching newer cans tossed, catching the arc to remember landings for tomorrow, then back to blanket and troubled sleep. Stones digging, creating half sleep as darkness creates damper blankets.
He comes for me, my lids half open, catch movement, thin shadow and then he is upon me. Rough cloth tightening around my neck, quick, sharp, choking. I am ready for him, quicker, jabbing with knife at his knees, arms, hearing cuts in exclamation. He tries to rise as I stab again, again, his arms fall, cloth tight around my neck loosening as my fingers tear it away. He stares, what little light there is showing white of eye: “how?”
Others were gathering now, aware of a good fight, chance of spoils, action. Rags were lit and I showed him my neck, I’d tied small sticks together there forming armour against his attack, he rumbled for laughter, rolled over and the crowd after spoils took him to the river. Lying back, cool wind shifted showing stars, now I could find comfort there.

Choices

To go
every night
out on the streets
finding a cheap slut needing highs
a friend with coke
everybody with coke is a friend
remember that
its useful
especially
if you are the one
holding
& nobody else is…
I digress
choices
to go
every night
get roaring drunk
crowded loud bars
& fight a beer bully
in a damp alley
just because
you can
want to
the coke
makes it so
or
instead
ending up
the doormat
watching tv
& whining
there is nothing on
again
when you know
you could be
out on the town
rough fucking a stranger
because that is
how she loves it
dark, dirty, delightful
instead
you sip tea
& wonder
whether you can say
baby suck me
like you used to
but no
that’s not
how it is
these days
its work
in the am
an early start
for another day of the dead

wistful yellow flower

I met a famous poet once
seemed a nice ordinary chap
happy for folk who didn’t know him
to use his given name
he read some of his stuff
& I got why he was famous
he had that dum de dum de dum
rhythm thing going on
the words hinted at clever stuff
even if they didn’t actually deliver
I guess that’s what you have to do
talk about colours, flowers with a hint
of sadness or joy yet to arrive
thankfully the famous stuff did not rub off
on me
in the meantime
have this wistful yellow flower instead
for there is a grey storm yet to come….

indifference of culture

There were many years I had no clue I was the rough boy
rough trade as some called it then, there were doors that would just not open
I was being me finding my way from a to b with a detours through to z on the way
there were things out there called opera & ballet but I had my music films & the tv
these were always out there right in front doing what I needed them to do
I caught bits of the opera on the radio, ballet on the tv, cos ballet don’t work on
airwaves & I tried gave it a real honest go but it is like a different language
that I can catch a word but the gist gets lost in difference of meanings
mine is the inferior the ballet lovers say but I’ve yet to hear a strong riff in opera
that tells me of the streets I run in, the world revolving through my door
some of us are rough boys & some just love to watch the pretty people in white tights
I too have these petty snobberies for those who need soap operas to guide them
reality tv burns my blood to bile the cheap hustlers seeking 15 minutes of fame
being roasted live in front of sleepers with no clue that the spectacle is curated
mined for jeopardy, resolve and will discard the players at the end with no thought
of the slippery notoriety jacket they have draped over their shoulders

tbc

every year or so

We were drifting across the high desert
when it began to softly snow
so I stopped the car
to get out & see the show
it’s a rare thing they told me
only happens every year or so
I smiled backed that up
went looking for someone to tell
you will always be that empty chair
a long shadow there on my white wall
so much I’d love to tell you
all the good the bad & the you know
I’d want you to listen not only hear
how this life has held interesting times
& I’d sit still listen tight to you too
try not to judge when you spoke of the why
you never let me get closer to you
that business can never happen now
though I speak here & in my thoughts
these moments don’t seem to occur that much
I guess they just happen
every year or so

Walking, just walking

It did not matter if it was the wrong direction
if there is no home or place they want you to go
my thumb had long died the power in it gone
always hoping there would be something
in the next place I got to lay my head
& after that it was just walking again
don’t let you think this was always down
I was the free’est man then I’d ever known
walking, just walking looking everywhere to see
hoping for a spark to catch a’fire in a pretty face
anyone to give a few moments of peace
away from there, me, the time behind
I wasn’t alone plenty more just like me
dogs without a home a bone minus the yard
each trying to find a way to or away from the dark
back aways towards a little bit happier space
writing my thoughts on scraps of paper found
all lost now to the road left behind lines unread
all of those words gone from you & my head
if I could find them that freedom again
i’m not sure they would make a lot of sense
they were of the road, that time, those places
my loss & found of people no longer among us
this later day peace of mind can never retrace
those ancient wandering walking, just walking
days

She sends me posters

salutations of love
kind of bollox that goes
one door closes to make another open
one bad chapter doesn’t mean
it has to be a bad life
which I feel kinda sure means
wishing & wanting the best for you
meaning all is fine & dandy
in her life that has never changed
fifty years of doing much the same
looking in & commenting
on the lives of others
I only know her by absence
when my chips were down
struggling to find ends to meet
there was not a word
never a tiny peep
but now she feels I guess
I’m back in the safety of the fold
she can hazard the occasional
I always wanted the best for you
these messages I only trust
from those then with me deep in the hole
they are the ones who truly saved me
take your deep salutations
protestations of best love
plug them back into the gap
I felt from you in the lean years
maybe then you’ll understand full
it is too late to fill the well

I’ve always been a sucker for a good story

I blame most everybody on this
my parents with the santa thing
teachers with the be good nonsense
& a pretty woman can pretty much
fuck me over on a daily basis
& I’ll still keep a stupid smile on my dumb face
I know this as I’ve been there & it is true
my parents laid down leery lines like
be a good boy keep your shoes shined
work hard & the world will fall at your feet
for a while I went with this, they were of course
paying all bills
then I noticed over time the lack of lustre on their feet
it was school that handed me the final iron nails
on the good boy coffin
I saw true with my fresh young eyes those who
were picked for stardom, those for pain
& those whose destiny was to only fetch & carry water
being a good boy is for fools when the deck is stacked
seeing the same kids picked out & on day by day
as worse crimes go on with connivance of teachers
with sweet favourites
& the big lie grows these are the best days in your life
while all I wanted was to run from this saccharin sweet
& into the lies of the bigger world
& now I talk to myself to say
I’ve always been a sucker for a good story
for how else would i get out of bed every day?

Back to a life

Arguing with doctors is never a great idea
they hold the belief that theirs is the winning card hand
under normal circumstances this holds true
but there are phrases to use save being thrown off
their lengthy roster of acquiescent clients
I am prepared to take full responsibility for my medication
being a really strong one, the others lack that bite
I am not dissenting from your position but I wish
to go down a different treatment route…..
the thing with il dottore’s is they prefer the lighter way
when what sometimes, not all the times, no fool needs that,
is a nuclear beginning with a guerrilla back story approach
I was regressing back into lyme disease & needed the drugs
sadly nothing pleasurable & he didn’t want to hear me back again
we’ve done everything we can now it’s up to nature to take its course
the inference being it’s not Lyme you neurotic sap it’s all in your head
of course it was, they were everywhere inside of me, killing my life
I laid the line upon him could hear the hook begin to sink in
Ok, ok, let’s try this but just this once & we’ll monitor you each week
two weeks later we are best friends, I’m getting back to a life
I feel I can live,
he’s not going to make the medical courts,
he’s got a smile
because of course medicine is all about him

They will know nothing of this

standing
packed in a bus
fogged wet windows
sniffles
coughs
puddles on the floor
elbow in the back
muttered ‘scuse me
‘scuse me
fight to the door
5 a.m. alarm clock
soggy toast
half drunk coffee
out into the frost
walking
walking for a mile
two
to get the lift
into cold factories
standing in obedience
to the line
the line that rules
tea breaks
lunch breaks
the surprise
of cheese sandwich
again
& a kit kat
to fuel
the line worker
until time
to knock off
trudge to the lift home
nights
putting parts together
for things
you will never afford
the long week
of short pay
& wanting to go out
take somebody lovely
who can make you forget
all of this
they work retail
days of standing
doing look busy
until the rush comes
yes sir
no madam
I’ll see if
we have this in a 12
black
blue
on short shifts
until the season
then 14 hour days
aching feet
calves
faces
from holding smiles
together
we might make rent
together
we can have a night out
together
we just might
hold against the storm
of a flat tyre
on our cheap bought car
a sudden hike
gas
electricity
water
insurance
bills
so we turn the heat
down
lights off
& pray nothing happens
They will know nothing of this
those paid to represent
with everything on expenses
chauffeured cars
all for free
lunches
dinners
banquets
& they will make damn sure
that they never will