there was nothing to do that day
couple of others that followed on
I had water
to keep on walking
& that was enough
as i looked into the sky
nowhere else to go
find answers
that didn’t hurt me so
I’d been kidding myself too long
that life didn’t mean that much
but these things you find out
after they get up & go
when it’s a little late
to admit mistakes
let her know
I’m not afraid
she was trying for the heart
crush my balls flat
rip the throat slice my jugular
anything between
telling me
her new man
was good looking
richer taller
better hung
knew how to use that thing
drove a great car
had a high pay career
loved spending on her
& somewhere
in amongst those lies
designed
to hurt create pain & anger
I could realise some of this was true
then she pushed too far
told me I was the lesser loser man
& all I had left to say
tell me something I don’t know
as I turned tail tucked in tight
walked away
her folks did not like me
which to be sure was mutual
they were decent people
had a decent house
lived decent lives
decently doing nothing
& you knew from first look
he nor she
had a decent fuck
in ‘em
which likely pissed them
right off all the more
because they knew that was
what I was doing
with their daughter
& they wanted Christmas with her
not me of course
until the last minute they took pity
invited me in
& at that point I could not think
of anything worse
than decent people going against
their decent principles
to invite the indecent indoors
we talked over
over
knowing
there was no resolution
we both could reach
as the sunlight
moved along the wall
until that too
was gone
the moonlight made its call
no compromises
no regrets no surrender
no way forward either
just an ending
made clear
I remember the hallway
the carpet faded wallpaper
all the rage
I hadn’t seen her in weeks
one of many disappearances
this one I was pleased with
then the phone rang in the hall
caught defenceless at hello
she was ringing to tell me
who of my acquaintances
she’d fucked
told my story to
how she’d twisted truths to her ends
to isolate me again
& I remember the hallway
that carpet faded wallpaper
grinding my teeth so tight
I chipped a front tooth
putting the phone down
feeling the pain of her again
hoping in the knowing
all of this would fade
please
these things
you don’t say
holding on
to the knowing
these faces
I won’t ever see
again
death will come before
I pass this way once more
& the others there
may be in denial
the wanting things
to go on the same
so you say nothing
holding on to knowing
this is how
loneliness becomes
I don’t know why
you come to mind
you were the near death
of me
took away my friends
my money & stopped me
being free
I was like a fool
lost hoping
for something more
but as time goes on
still you come to mind
I don’t know why
maybe just maybe
I haven’t learnt enough
or the lesson yet
& need to be reminded
forever
I remember them saying
as they let me go
it’s just business
for them of course
as usual
I of course
now had to go out
find again
go through the whole
self abasement ritual
please give me this job
yes I believe in the company
your aims are my aims
bullshit
all I wanted was to earn
enough for the roof over
good booze on the weekends
food to feed the honeys
coming thru’ the rented door
nothing more
the sheer bloody challenge
battle
to get out of bed
shit shower shave dress
drag that comb across
eat something to stay alive
drink the coffee start the day
to get in the car fight the others
going to jobs they need to do
to afford the bed the roof over
day in day out for 40+
to then sit in the sun
thinking my god
what have I done?
we were new
in that talking phase
where you talk about anything
everything you are
are not
& I mentioned an influence
this cat called Nigel went on
to become a singer songwriter
& I felt her pull back a little
& some while later
after a couple of oh mans
she did the same
raising an eye I asked her why
not sure she said if it’s about
you using the word cat
or saying oh man is affected
or whether I’m scared
of being infected
end up being or saying the same
don’t worry baby I said back
if that’s all you’re worried about
the infection has already
taken hold
neilbenbow 