hiking in the back country

there was nothing to do that day

couple of others that followed on

I had water

to keep on walking

& that was enough

as i looked into the sky

nowhere else to go

find answers

that didn’t hurt me so

I’d been kidding myself too long

that life didn’t mean that much

but these things you find out

after they get up & go

when it’s a little late

to admit mistakes

let her know

I’m not afraid

tell me something I don’t know

she was trying for the heart

crush my balls flat

rip the throat slice my jugular

anything between

telling me

her new man

was good looking

richer taller

better hung

knew how to use that thing

drove a great car

had a high pay career

loved spending on her

& somewhere

in amongst those lies

designed

to hurt create pain & anger

I could realise some of this was true

then she pushed too far

told me I was the lesser loser man

& all I had left to say

tell me something I don’t know

as I turned tail tucked in tight

walked away

is there anything worse?

her folks did not like me

which to be sure was mutual

they were decent people

had a decent house

lived decent lives

decently doing nothing

& you knew from first look

he nor she

had a decent fuck

in ‘em

which likely pissed them

right off all the more

because they knew that was

what I was doing

with their daughter

& they wanted Christmas with her

not me of course

until the last minute they took pity

invited me in

& at that point I could not think

of anything worse

than decent people going against

their decent principles

to invite the indecent indoors

over

we talked over

over

knowing

there was no resolution

we both could reach

as the sunlight

moved along the wall

until that too

was gone

the moonlight made its call

no compromises

no regrets no surrender

no way forward either

just an ending

made clear

caught

I remember the hallway

the carpet faded wallpaper

all the rage

I hadn’t seen her in weeks

one of many disappearances

this one I was pleased with

then the phone rang in the hall

caught defenceless at hello

she was ringing to tell me

who of my acquaintances

she’d fucked

told my story to

how she’d twisted truths to her ends

to isolate me again

& I remember the hallway

that carpet faded wallpaper

grinding my teeth so tight

I chipped a front tooth

putting the phone down

feeling the pain of her again

hoping in the knowing

all of this would fade

please

you don’t say

these things

you don’t say

holding on

to the knowing

these faces

I won’t ever see

again

death will come before

I pass this way once more

& the others there

may be in denial

the wanting things

to go on the same

so you say nothing

holding on to knowing

this is how

loneliness becomes

come to mind

I don’t know why

you come to mind

you were the near death

of me

took away my friends

my money & stopped me

being free

I was like a fool

lost hoping

for something more

but as time goes on

still you come to mind

I don’t know why

maybe just maybe

I haven’t learnt enough

or the lesson yet

& need to be reminded

forever

don’t take this personal

I remember them saying

as they let me go

it’s just business

for them of course

as usual

I of course

now had to go out

find again

go through the whole

self abasement ritual

please give me this job

yes I believe in the company

your aims are my aims

bullshit

all I wanted was to earn

enough for the roof over

good booze on the weekends

food to feed the honeys

coming thru’ the rented door

nothing more

inertia

the sheer bloody challenge

battle

to get out of bed

shit shower shave dress

drag that comb across

eat something to stay alive

drink the coffee start the day

to get in the car fight the others

going to jobs they need to do

to afford the bed the roof over

day in day out for 40+

to then sit in the sun

thinking my god

what have I done?

affected infected

we were new

in that talking phase

where you talk about anything

everything you are

are not

& I mentioned an influence

this cat called Nigel went on

to become a singer songwriter

& I felt her pull back a little

& some while later

after a couple of oh mans

she did the same

raising an eye I asked her why

not sure she said if it’s about

you using the word cat

or saying oh man is affected

or whether I’m scared

of being infected

end up being or saying the same

don’t worry baby I said back

if that’s all you’re worried about

the infection has already

taken hold