for the best

possibility of regret

faint chance in there somewhere

that maybe I wasn’t good enough

for her

we’d met up had a few drinks

a fairly decent meal

that I stuck my hand in my pocket

paid for

went back to mine played a few songs

mooched on the sofa some

made it to my rickety bed

& there we draw the veil

I woke up in the morning she was dressed

I’m off

I’ll call you later ok?

but she never did

I did call her to no answer

left messages for no reply to come

& after a few days I gave that up

as just one more that did not work out

& at the end of the week changing the sheets

I found her underwear under the bed

threw them into the wash

thinking that’s what was needed to do

for the best

I knew the look

philosophers

those cats got me early

which did not help at school

help me amend my ways

for when the greats

can’t solve the riddle

what chance did I have?

but I knew from them

fear is the key

fear answers everything

& paired with that

our anxiety of being found out

as nothing but

fearful anxious timorous beasts

no better no worse

than others in the same fix

which as you might imagine

does not make a great athlete

fighter to be top of academic classes

& no matter how hard they tried

to beat the sense out of me

I knew the look

on their original faces

by having to have plans

it’s like that

met at a dreary event

somebody else reading

which is always hell

& we talked a while

agreed to meet again

&

when we met

I knew I had ideas on loving

as did she

tho’ mine might be

termed more as short term

while hers

had ideas on longevity & plans

somewhere in the mix

we agreed to disagree

part our ways

if not entirely amicably

& life with people?

it’s like that

just the way we are

ruin everything

by having to have plans

they told me

the one I wanted to know

they told me

he was a barrel of laughs

when he was young

could drink tell a joke

always there

to close the show

& I try to reconcile

all of that

with the angry man

I grew up knowing

the one with no time

or words to give

no interest in anything

but going to work

ghost in the house

& I’d like to know

if the fun one left

leaving no trace

when his first wife walked away

did she take that man

throw him in the trash

burn him to the ground

leaving nothing but a shell

leaving what was left for others

to take to hell

No Fun

that time of winter

when I know for sure

I am indeed

No Fun

& this is the SAD

lack of vitamins

especially D

wearing down of bones

no light from the sun

series of greys to black

no colours to brighten the eye

& she wants to go dancing

go out meet people

do what she feels need be done

while this dark heart

only wants to cut & run

find somewhere warmer

feel soft breezes

bring in scents promises

brighter

better things to come

no choice

the sadness was upon me

I was being fired again

not that I wanted to stay

but I’d got used to the idea

the steady money coming in

like when your girl says

I’m done we’re through

& there is nothing

to be said or done

the impotence of rage

in the situation

just to accept is the only way

but that doesn’t mean

there are no feelings

inner words you can’t say

but refuse to let out

so I bowed my head

took the paper

told them straight

I won’t accept any recriminations

unless I stay

which surprised my employers

& my girl

but that’s probably why

they were letting me go

anyway

where it all went right

I’d be twelve thirteen

borrowing books any books

from the libarary

being quiet reading

seemed to be the only things

stopped my people

from knocking me down

& I found Paine Sartre Hume Kant Kierkegard

& I read & read

making my head swirl & hurt

but I got it then

the absurdity of this thing we got

where we’re trying to make sense

where none so much exists

in existence

surrounded by fools

who don’t understand either

that bit I clearly understood

& they’d ask why I was chuckling quiet

so I’d try to explain the why

but because they didn’t understand

they told me I was wrong

& knocked me down again but this time I knew WHY

curse of the goldfish

I wanna go see that movie

all excited she shouts

as we’re driving out

because there is the poster

for the latest blockbuster

I don’t of course

wanna

to sit there in the dark

surrounded by goldfish

open mouthed staring blank at the screen

all of whom

have misplaced their memory

the movie like all the others

will have an arc a journey

some hint of redemption

love interest at least a spark

a hero a villain side plots

in case they need a prequel a sequel

to keep the big money coming in

y’gonna go with your friend? I suggest

hoping I can get a pass

yeah your problem she snides

you can’t suspend your disbelief

I’ll take Jane she at least is good company

won’t sit beside resentful

working out the plot the dialogue

saying i could write this

the love becomes the job

the invitation was there

if I couldn’t put my finger on it

then or now

was it an inclination of the head

or that of eyes down low

the slight hesitation

when she quietly spoke?

but the invitation was in

to look over speak over

maybe just not treat her right

& to listen when she told

that had happened

so many times before

the challenge then

lay in treating her good

but man I had to let her go

the call the effort the strength

not to scrub upon the doormat

the invitation thrown out flat

most every day & night

to fail to rescue

refuse to be the shining knight

deny the persecutor within

not be the lover

but therapist healer fixer life nurse

just makes any lover tired

the love becomes the job