it was the hands

so many times I got told

you have such small hands

the blind lady once told

you don’t have the feel of a worker

you work in an office?

we told her yes

just to get out of the place

but this one

couldn’t get it right

I liked her she liked me

but the bed thing

just could not work out

there in the night

could not get the feel

the touch of her

strange shapes of bodies

my hands too small

we had to call it a day

just be friends

& that did not work out

either

you ain’t no shy cat

I tell them straight

I am a shy cat

wanting to hide in the corner

oh man they laugh

you ain’t no shy cat

you got things to say

talking up the whole time

& how to say

I learned to compensate?

you leave no space

for a corner dwelling dude

will happily walk over

any feelings ideas thoughts

us shy cats hold

if we don’t ever speak up

we never get our day

screaming

liar liar

just another man

just another liar

I was hearing all right

my eardrums on fire

screaming I was a no good man

liar liar

while I was putting my pants on

ready to flee the scene

wondering how we had come to this

driving away quick

looking in the rearview

expecting a running figure

nothing but night

Houdini escaped again

fleeing a shit show

thankfully this time

no cuts bruises

stuff thrown around

swearing this time

this time

I won’t ever go back

& if a man needs medication

the angst seeps in

around four in the afternoons

I’ve gotten done what was needing done

& now?

take the lady for a walk

the hog needs a back road blat

go back to bed dream of high times

old times when the goose was fat

avoiding overthinking shit went wrong

the mebbe I shoulda if only I coulda

those if only I’d’ve knowns…

or the drinking starts early knowing

in some high water ray kissed port

far far away in the heat

the sun

is high over the yard arm

& if a man needs medication

the time is always

now

at the hint of sun

I saw deserts in her eyes

those brown orbs

thick dark eyebrows

black lashes

skin that picked up colour

at the hint of sun

I fell in

every time she

looked directly into mine

I love you she said soft

full of meaning

that I could not ignore

if though over time

I took her for granted

that being

the usual problem with beauty

in any form

we come to see as normal

we played

I pissed over there

to stave off the boredom

driving our pick up truck thru’ the city

picking up dog shit bins pissy dead mattresses

endless trash cans fly tipped household shit

I was so drunk I fell asleep against that wall

prodded awake by a police boot telling me

if I could get up walk away I could go home

& over there…yeah yeah he’d go

it was over there I got caught by this fella

all stary eyes about two in the morning

every move I made he made the same back

took me ten minutes to realise to my shame

it was a shop plate glass window reflection

all we were doing was topping each other

my pissed over there story is better than yours

holding off the boredom picking up dog shit bins

pissy dead mattresses & the stink of trash cans

got into it

shouting pathetic rages

she was indeed one of those women

who break every now & then

thinking feeling balance

needs a shouting bout

to even up the passion of love

I was a lousy lover when drinking

I’d turn over start snoring

& she felt rebuffed

ok ok I hear you I offered

thinking knowing change never comes

that if I took the bait we’d be here

hating hurting until the night comes

any apology would bring another verse

I fixed her a drink gave her a hug

& she pushed me away hard

sitting drinking it for her thinking oh man

how long lord will this one last?

blues/rent

we were broke again

but this time we were cut off

from lenders credit at the store

wondering what to do

as we busted up crates

to burn in the fireplace

sitting silent cold thinking

knock at the door

fresh voices coming in

I hear you broke?

we need a place to play

got a sound system

new ideas to throw out

& the deal was done

that Saturday night

we charged at the door

people brought their own drinks

or bought that & smokes inside

listened to the sound system

bounced that old floor & around four

we had to close the doors

after six the dj’s left

happy with their 50% cut

as we cleared up the mess

finding little happy surprises

half bottles full bottles

baggies here & there

we weren’t black or white that night

just broke people fighting poor

fraud

the biggest fraud I ever felt

was being mugged in new york

I’d flown caught the greyhound

out to Philadelphia

then a local bus to the suburbs

to meet this girl

who turned out to be a drunk

she didn’t want me

except as a drinking bud

& after a few days of that

I had to leave

her family were warning me to go

I tried hitching out

then back on the bus

& walking distracted in the dark

this black guy friends snickering behind

wanted my money my grandads watch

his intent being stronger than mine

I handed these over

to later sit in a bum hotel

bought with the last of my sock money

no glass in the windows no tv no heat

staring out in the dark night

thinking over over

have I come to this?

borrow 5

I learned early

when the scrounge

came around

if they ask to borrow 5

give them 10

just make sure

you lean in to say

I know you need this

pay me back soon as you can

& know for sure

you let it go

that you will never

see that 10 again

& with luck

nor them