half arsed clues
notes left lying around
receipts for gifts
phone messages text
left undeleted
all designed to be found
when your lover
cant tell you straight out
face to face
which only makes
what you had
a mockery
of what it once was
but no
now
late nights out with friends
to which you are not invited
unexplained shopping trips
where nothing ever seems bought
setting out a different future
away from you
buckle up
it is going to get bumpy
there are a few places
in the world
I feel at home in
Messanges plage mesdames camping
Santa Pola spain
Tongue Scotland Scullomie pier
Vancouver B.C. Canada
Casa Grande Arizona
Quarteira Portugal
Oakland Coliseum swap meet
Eureka California
(the bar there where the woman
offered me outside to fight
& won)
all of these & more
but never
ever
the house
I was raised in
when this
when they
take over your head
circle thinking
in the small hours
heat rising
the burn building
this
is when you know
you
have lost
they have won
so you get up
drink water
put on the tv
take a walk
just don’t reach
for the bottle
the pills
because then
they have more than won
they
have killed you
It did not seem to matter
where we were
another continent
country
city
next town over
the people there
were vulgar
uneducated
in our ways
were
dangerous to know
in their actions
intentions
& it took forever
to realise
all I was hearing
were my folks
fears
in play
there will be
only one way out
to walk away
let them win
have their victory parade
in their little heads
in a week
a month
maybe even days
maybe if it is that bad
a year
you will see
they won
nothing
you did
by not letting them
live in your head
you let go
moved on
to better things
better people
who do
not have to compete
with you
over nothing
for nothing
camper van parked
sitting in the sun
waiting for the entertainment
to arrive
we learned
years ago
broke
sitting on the floor in a cheap tent
drinking unbranded vodka coke
as the rain set in
watching with sheer delight
as monsieur arrived in a big motor
carrying une grande tente
madame & les enfants
sat in the car
as the rain pelted down
him bashing in tent pegs
as we tittered quietly
amused at anothers’ discomfort
this person far richer than us
& now
another camping car is here
satellite dish broken
by the low hanging trees
as he shouts instructions
to his long suffering loved one
we sit in comfy chairs
sipping kirs’
but yes
the delight
is still there
wake with the sun
orange juice & coffee
to start the heart day
maybe a pain de raison
if hungry
walk to the sandy beach
that never gets below 12 degrees
a body needs seasons
swim
bodyboard if there is surf
paddleboard if none
pick up a baguette pain
on the way home
shower
get dressed for the day
pop out to the market
to buy veg if needed
meat if not
coffee & a cheap brandy
watch the world pass by
then wander home
for a light lunch
the pain cheese tomato olive oil
then maybe a siesta
or tend the plants
from a chair on the terrace
to walk out of an evening
couple of beers
some tapas
maybe wine if necessary
with friends
oh man he says
where is the ambition in that?
yeah man I say
isn’t that ambitious enough?
you’ve done me over
taught me a lesson
I will never forget
shown me how
you are the bigger
better person
hold higher ground
the teacher
life lesson giver
they who know best
& me?
the gimp
the fool
idiot between the streets
know nothing
falstaffian feckless
fuckwit
d’you feel better now?
the secret to green fingers
tell no one
but hold this close
the secret to green fingers
is to grow so many
whether seeds
seedlings
cuttings
that there will always be
survivors
I’ve been trying to grow jacarandas
In this colder
higher latitude northern hemisphere
& from 25 seeds
into seedlings
finally
I have one
grown past 2 feet
a budding tree
I have green fingers
this whole
other thing
of not getting excited
in case
what we want to happen
were told would
but didn’t
or then
when it does
the flood of excitement
relief
rush of endorphins
that overwhelms
stopping the being
there in the moment
finally destroys
the fear of disappointment
has to change
can we
just be
please?
neilbenbow 