one of those muddy
long conversation
in which I was told
I’d said something to somebody
that made them feel bad or sad
& had I not realised this?
I have no recall of that chat
can’t think of a thing I’d said
wanted to say bad to the person
we were concerned about today
so tell me I said
why you want me to feel
bad or sad
about something
you did not hear or witness
cannot truthfully reproduce
here between us today
but wish to examine in full
talk endlessly over?
& answer
came there none
if I ever
held
had any certainty
in my life
it was
those late nights
drunk with you
walking the parapets
on the bridges
in Paris
there over the Seine
knowing
full truth
the only falling
I was ever
going to do
was
for you
with the intentions of finding
something new
different than what was today
hanging out in squats
dingy rooms mattress on the floors
smoking anything going
drinking what was poured
fucking each other
like today was the last day
& somewhere
though I can’t put my finger
on it now
we lost our way
degenerated into our elders
got the working for a living
nine to five bug
& hated every second of that
it was & is forever
the worst ever drug
lying in bed thinking
best thing in the world
thinking about now
& the then
I had four addresses one year
about average for the times
& mail was a rarity
every now & occasional
I’d get a letter from the old folk
telling me who’d died
who was living & where
& I knew better than
check the envelope for money
because there never was
any my way going spare
they had long given up on me
the watering & feeding
was long gone some
much as I’d given up hope
expecting love consideration
I was living in a different country
making my way to a new home
my own man my own trail
& the letters while holding no money
reeked of news of wanting my fail
needed the learning
but the movement
out there on the lawn
caught my eye
a leaf waving in the breeze
lollygagging at my eye
& I was reminded
sleeping out under the stars
checking out constellations
hearing the deer eat in the night
badgers sniffing my toes
a different kind of wisdom
taught by connecting
to the world universe beyond
& today my attention
needed bringing back
to things only workers
in offices need know
& the only thing to work
(the pills will kill you
slow you down
make you forget
who you were
are
will be)
is to throw that leg over
your motorcycle
ride out of town
(away from the people
who will kill you
slow you down
make you forget
who you were
are
will be)
find the big nothing
& put some miles
between you
& what ails
you
until
all of that is
tiny or nothing
in your rear view
somewhere out in the woods
by the thin river
I found the old man
sitting loose
leaning against a stump
whittling on a piece of tree
he smiled asked of me
you got any water son?
so I settled nearby
I’m making me a stick he told
to help me get out of here
ran out of water
kind of everything really
I thought I was easy
forgot I was no longer spry
the things they don’t tell you
about this getting old
is it all catches up on you
taking an easy walk in the woods
becomes a trial
something life threatening
y’know?
but I was young then
could only smile offer help
he took the water
& fell into step
as we walked out to safety
for him
while for me it was only
to a place I’d been
there is no win
no matter
being young beautiful
& educated
with shouting at kids
wanting to play
there is no win
there never can be
any back up plan
after the shouting
& I’m watching
wanting to suggest other
maybe de escalation
a conversation
but no
she has already let me know
I have nothing to offer here
such is the indifference
being young beautiful
& educated
shouting at kids
there is no win
there never can be
any back up plan after that
Bar Ato Huesca
mebbe 2 in the afternoon
I’d driven through the pyrennees
needed food
& I belly up to the bar
say cerveza por favour
& the man goes wha?
with his hand to his ear
& i repeat cerveza por favor presion
& the pantomime goes on
so I point at the pump
do my own mimic indicate small
& he poured me a beer
later I suggest raciones?
point to olives meatballs in tomato
chorizo swimming in oil
he brings me bread & a fork
& all becomes good in the world
just as at the end of the bar
another pale anglo comes in
she walks up slow
looking around nervous
says un café con leche
por favor
& the mime act starts over again
as suddenly I get it
for these Spanish locals
we are too quiet
undemanding & shy
here you need volume
to beat the background noise
silently I urge her to shout
as I’ve learned the hard way
not to interfere
as her gaze sweeps over me
just another unhelpful man
in this world of sweated boys
soft singing van morrison
van the man
slightly sleepy
feeling the night before
the talking
had I said too much
not enough
held my own
slight aching
laughter cracks in my gut
around midnight
looking at you in wonder
knowing I had the one
we can do this
more than the
once more
neilbenbow 