the urge every day
waitress stiffing you
for a couple in change
that girl you cared for
flipping you over
for some other fool
there’s a grip can come
pulling towards hate
the whole world
as a darker place
full of takers
piling on you
to become a cheater too
this taking on the chin
feeds the learning
leaning on a high wall
not to be misled
where once was the will
to rip their heads off
comes the call now
to be mild
rise above
let these poor people go
because they know
no better
no matter
how much
you know them
that you
hold their trust
much as they hold yours
like them love them
when they go away
alone
into another room
for 10 seconds
from people who don’t
even like them
they will forget you
your times together
tell you
you are a fool
for loving for trusting
not knowing
for a second
they are telling you
& only you
about their issues
attempting to wear glory
they only
kill themselves
the shouting
her telling me
she was leaving
she’d never met
a swine such as me
I quietly asked
for the door keys
she leave behind
anything belonging to me
which slowed her
for such a short while
she left
slamming that door
stopping to shout more
& I won’t bore you more
with the details
enough to say love
did not live here anymore
I knew I’d be fine
provided I let the words
crude insults & truths
not land too hard
I’d just need time to suck in
lessons learned& change phone numbers
lick these cat scratch cuts
think on things
be able to begin again
these experiences serve
only to make a soul tougher
little bits
at a time
get taken away
trust love care
thrown destroyed
by betrayal
never mind
that I was indeed
delusional
rose tinteds on
expecting more
from this one
than she had
ever done before
rolling in
eyes shut
ears closed
while she told
of her history
letting me know
what was
going to happen
any day now
& then it did
she complied
with herself
denied me
what I wanted
the fool expects
history not to repeat
how to mourn somebody
my stepmother
who never loved me
yet was part of my life
for so long
they (her family) say
she was doing her best
to raise us kids
the kicking & screaming
slapping shouting fuss
of it all
& they (her family)
never seem to understand
we kids were
only doing our best too
fucking up growing up
making messes
to be kids needing be loved
& that never happened
to mourn now for something
never was could have been
instead living with indifference
wishing for something
a little care a few hugs or kisses
praise for getting things right
ah but no this was not then
& never will be now
another train station
writing scribble notes
the people I’d been with
stuff to change
new ideas
all to be written out
then she calls
how’d it go?
& she knows my answer
by tone
length of time response
12 hours & I’ll be with you
got 5 before the train
we talk on food to eat
beer or wine
sometimes
if its been a tough one
I’ll need both
these people I meet
going home every night
while I stalk their towns & cities
so used to living like this
on my own
standing in front
delivering lines
wondering if what goes out
goes in to those ears
makes any impact
or just leaves a dirty skid mark
brought down
by those
with nothing
not even
the blues
no views
just enough
except
the urge
to bring
people down
turn the world
around
facing backwards
is the new
way to be
no humour
just sad no glad
just more mud
sad
bad blood
burning everything
their soft hands
smooth brains
cannot try
to understand
I rolled up
there to her door
in my suit
she thought
I’d come to strut
so I let her
give out all
she felt she needed
to say
tho’ I was not listening
more looking
watching her face
for twitches & tells
waiting for the steam
heat to go
flow to slow
I was passing by
came to say hi
was wondering
how you were
I guess now I know
turned on my heel
walked away
knowing finally
there was
nothing here
for me anymore
I was gone to stay
these pulls
trials
I live through
growing up where
I come from
there was a half mile
of workshops
either side of the road
raw metals going in
on one end
completed trucks
coming out
at the far end
walking through
listening to the noise
seeing sparks fly
heat rolling thru’ doors
men in dirty overalls
faces black with grime
dirty rags washing hands
looking out at me
this snot nosed kid
wondering on the magic
created in there
& now all of this is gone
most of those men moved on
to death to unemployment
all that magic
lost to china
& time
I was fourteen
my friend Kev
much the same
sneaking
round the back
the local sports club
players all out
on the grass
intent on the game
me & Kev
v much the same
sneaking in the back
pulling out bottles
trying not
to make noise
working hard
not to be seen
then finding
our own quiet spot
grass patch in the park
drinking stolen beers
thinking nothing
of the owners
crimes committed
just the buzz coming on
letting go of fourteen
year old boy blues
heaven indeed
neilbenbow 