in deep

primal instinct made me do it

there was no understanding

no verbalisation of thoughts

I was just not happy

& decided time to leave

it was then the shitstorm happened

going from hero to zero

worse

labelled as abusive violent angry

when but seconds before

all was supposedly sweet

except for the internal misquiet

misgivings causing discomfort

unknowing yet knowing

all was not quite what it seemed here

only at that point I had no idea

how painful the days nights to come

fighting off false accusations

just how do you prove something

that never happened?

on a new day

let me love you long time

because

I’m not a boy no more

searching for thrills

pills spills

let us have now

the certainty of knowing

of who we are

smiles in the morning

as we open the curtains

together

on a new day

flatter me

dress me up in pink

purple prose

tell me as a poet

I can hear see things

others don’t

which made perfect sense

at the time

of the turmoil I feel

out in the world

thinking my eyes

were just kinda

out of kilter

but no

you wanted something

your idea of loving

building me up

to take me down again

yeah

I saw that coming alright

Aw c’mon

I go see her now

taking in booze cigarettes

cupcakes & bottles of wine

to hide from her many nurses

we go back to when

she sat in her corner

holding court with her courtesans

sodomites sapphists hanging

on every wrought word

as she worked her way through them

those gentle girls reading english lit

wearing flowered Liberty rags

boys in tweed wanting love

at some point she will cackle

I love cock in the afternoon

quite forgetting I know this

having myself narrowly avoided

her rakish charmed bed

having heard this

too many times before

but pussy to go to sleep with

as she cackles I say aw c’mon

trying to hide the contraband

before her noise causes the nurse

to come in to investigate

throw me out

as the bad influence

to get by

some small town star

felt my arrogance

this will to improve

move on

create a better destiny

called me out as arrogant

& I knew in that instant

we would not get past this

this being

dislike disdain fear

I had no answer then

being only wanting

to get by get better

needing an education

training learning

prepared to soak up anything

more than I had

what they saw as arrogance

how dare I hold my own

be prepared to talk as equals

with they them those

who had already done

these things?

naked ambition

I gave up

my vulnerabilities

letting off steam

my high vis jacket

for the predators to see

feast upon

recognising my failures

before they found their own

& no matter

how these frauds

work to make you wrong

their egos in denial

they never are

better than you

is just is

the effort

the will

to do

where once all we did

I did

was be

was just was

doing lets try this

before we got hesitant

scared of the cut

fear of getting it wrong

whatever it means or was

instead of accepting

is just is

& nothing else

translation

I learned these skills early

you need to come to terms

take the lesson

move on

get to grips

for every door that closes

another opens

shit happens y’know

oh I don’t know about that

not my area of expertise

my remit

these things happen I guess

everything becomes clear in time

god sends our trials

karma I suppose

I learned early

to translate all these into

please just STFU ok?

down to the floor

you killed it love

dead

down to the floor

I was with you

the whole way

wanting to be with you

asking for more

then you began giving

what you thought I wanted

maybe even needed

cheating trying

to even some score

second guessing outcomes

building a future

nobody asked for

or wanted

if at a distance

dreaming

you were there

listening in

holding me

if at a distance

while I choked

on the word

mother

the word I never got to say

in the waking world

without qualification

runaway step or birth

& when I woke choking

I heard my reply to

are you ok?

as

yeah just a bad dream

at a loss

on how to explain these things

to one who loves her own

so much?