man would come round
Wednesday nights
ask if I’d go for a beer
like he did not know
I had to go out for work
like I did not know
he was checking
if the coast was clear
for him to see my ex
take her out on the town
get her drunk which she liked
drag her into his home
& I didn’t care
about any of that
he was welcome to her
she was welcome to him
what was not welcome
him thinking I was stupid
to not notice
see his shitty motives
clear
I think it was Emmett Grogan
gave me the nod
don’t bother with the tv
buying the papers
if the government
wants you to know something
they will make sure
you find it out
& the man had it right
on this if not other things
find out for yourself
go stand on a corner
any street any town city
& the first fool comes along
opens their mouth
will tell you
what you need to know
are doing wrong
wearing saying looking
& of course
how the sky looks today
like you did not know
dig it?
top of the mountain
Spanish village
where the old women
still wear black
the old men
sit on chairs & watch the world
us going by
I guess there were
a couple of thousand souls
& my girl says
I could live here y’know?
yeah yeah somewhere here
there’s a kid got a room
posters on the walls
places they wanna go
because they hate
this one horse town
being stifled everyday
what you see as tradition
to them is repression
& her face turns away
looks out the window a while
says: but I’m not that kid
ok?
as you walk through the door
an old fashioned pub or bar
walk right in pull up a stool
& wait for the stories to happen
maybe the barman
is fucking the help
she got out of hand
slapped her or she slapped him
& the awkward descends
as Harry comes in Bob slips out
he’s doing Harry’s wife
& leaves a couple of drinks paid
to keep him there for a while…
the lush crowd hogging the stools hate
the one on the way home
wait for the pizza on the corner person
passing through strangers crowd
but smile & talk about ambience
how to get to places in the city
in the hope of a free drink
& somehow
this feels like home
these Spanish spurs
black iron
on my black gringo boots
with black leather stays
chrome rings to flash
bought in Guadalajara
from the vaquero shop
closing down sale
that now create sparks
on low long curves
as we sweep bends
into the night
& she asks
is this why you bought them?
not getting yet
we are the last cowboys
riding steel ponies
heading into the dark
keeping traditions
alive
though nothing much changed
day camping with Claire
aged twelve
couple of sticks & a tarp
hiding from the sun
the whole wide world
within
& I knew clear
I wanted something from her
felt strong urges
even if I knew not what for
we kissed cuddled
& I felt something
outside inside totally new
even if
I did not know
what these feelings were
but I held on
through the years
different hidings
different women
knowing I wanted
felt something
even if I did not know
what these feelings were
this time of year
all the windows ajar
doors to open
feeling the breeze
warm from the sea
coming through
taking away the stale of winter
giving space
to think again
had a meeting
one I had to lead taken months
to put together feeling nervous
felt the need go sit just before
& not paying attention
my cock pissed thru’ the gap
between seat & porcelain
got my pants all wet down the front
soaked my drawers
I abandoned those there & then
held my work bag across me
walked in sat pulled my chair up tight
just as everybody else filed in
tried to carry on as ever
uncomfortable sitting in stink
& nobody said a word
while I checked for steam rising
wondering if they could smell me too
while we discussed team strategy
the need for honesty in meetings
I pondered on this
how that might not be useful right now
but we got through all of that
into the tedium of team roles
who was suffering who was not
& I let them all file out
made it to the nearest store
bought new pants & drawers
hit the work shower hot
bagged up my old pants for home
went back to the room turned up the a c
finally got some lunch
& sitting eating people came over
how’s things? got any news?
yeah I said yeah not much
& I can laugh about that now
but there was a time
I’d put corporate needs in front
of my own dignity
mooncalf they’d call me
because I was indeed a fuckwit
never mind a fool and his money being
soon parted
I was born always to be the right Charlie
acting the giddy goat
dumb as a box of rocks
crazy as a loon
howling at the moon
speaking only
because I felt I had to say something
in rooms full of wise men
offering nothing but sage advice
which I could never take
not being the sharp enough tool in the box
simpletons being like that a sandwich short
for the picnic just big bonehead chumps
shmucks never understanding dipstick rules
& if I held on to anything
it was that I was just a slow learner
hoping against hope
to one day get smarter
pass as one of you
she’d make me forget most nights
in the best possible ways
coming over about ten
bottle of vodka pack of cigarettes
but other nights
she’d start to weigh in around midnight
the booze having taken hold
get all jealous of me & other fictitious women
all in her sozzled & I’d forget
just who I was dealing with here
get to defending
other times I’d be sensible right away
hey you’ve come here
from your husband putting the kids to bed
if you were mine & mine alone
that’s a conversation for then
but the booze had taken hold
her flights of fancy made her crazy mad bold
the screaming would begin
& I’d have to ask her to stfu or leave
my rented rooms top of the house had other tenants
sick of the madness I’d invited in
I’d get crazy too being called these vicious things
& I called her a trollop
which broke the deadlock she started laughing
who calls that these days? but I knew & she knew
that’s exactly what we were dealing with here
