to lash on to others

though I swore

back then

to never forget

I did

you did

we all do

the iniquities dished out

indignities given

that we vowed

to never

when it came to our turn

to lash on to others

but I did

you did

we all do

this shitty circle jerk

we learnt at the knee

take their time

Larkin only got half way

this slow drip

that

poisons the body

the mind

& I’m not talking

social diseases

here

more

the unkind way

families

take their time

in destroying

your will

stop you

from being you

doing the things

just might save

your life

the slow drip

of holding you

in never mind

we know better

c’mere give us a kiss

the car got bumped

& I can tell

by her manner

demeanour

this was down

to her

& I laugh

c’mon tell me what happened

& the story takes a couple of tells

til’

we get to

it is what it is

& I emphasise

I’m not angry upset pissed off

shit happens sometimes

we fuck up

make mistakes

that is what makes us human

but she is pissed off

with herself

& all I can say is

time will soften that edge

as it does with everything

c’mere give us a kiss

XXX

la blonds trois

these three beauties who gave me the cure

I’d been skipping the void

no entanglements to hold

for too many of my years

then un deux trois one after the other

three blonde beauties

married to other men took me into their beds

their messed up lives

& lord knows only too well I am not lover number 1

but these girls wanted & took

everything I could give

then would run on home to  their kids in pretty houses

unsuspicious husbands to live

& love in the afternoon snatched evenings weekends

leaving me to sleep alone until the next snatched time

is not enough for a caring heart

so one after the other I said goodbye let them go

to slide back home to anothers’ arms & hearth

of anything

shit at this

not a follower

joiner

natural member

of anything

I enjoy the silence

too much

solitude

mountains coasts

the sea hills

anywhere in between

that I don’t have to

put your needs

wants wishes desires

above

or over mine

but know this

if I find you

you find me

you treat me right

I will

treat you right back

never entered

these flops I found

one roomers two roomers

shared shitter at the end

never entered my head once

to check out the architecture

all I needed then

were the four walls roof over

bed decent enough to sleep

someplace to keep

my bits n pieces of nothing

& these years on

I can stroll by now & look

see how they’ve been gentrified

gussied up all nice with paint

these flops I found for cheap

on glossy sales sheets

late Georgian post classical

& if only I’d known

surely my existence

would’ve been uplifted

right?

creeps up

takes a while

before you notice

like in hot climates

the aches & pains of winter

are gone again

one day you notice

the smell of the flowers

that the rising tide of car noise

is now

just a buzz in the distance

& you look around

feel the lack of pain

absence of anger

take stock of where you are

this wave of something

as the questions come:

am I comfortable?

or just ok?

maybe today

I can feel happiness

go outside

feel the wind

the sun

begin again

it is

me & her

sipping a Sol

put the red bandana

around Papas neck

there in Pamplona

just outside the bullring

sipping our Sol’s in the sun

as the crowds whistled cara al sol

as the pretty girls

touristed by looking on

wondering out loud

who the bust of Hem was

was that a statue

of some old matador

bullfighter retired

from the ring?

one asked out loud

yes

I said smiling sweet

I guess you can say that

it is

yesterdays fancies

a crust

heel of the loaf

yesterdays fancies

slice of stale cake

& I was just a hungry boy

end of the food chain

mouths quicker to take

than my own

& this nice lady would feed me

a crust heel of the loaf

if I hung around

catch her eye

near her back door

until the day

I heard her talking

explaining

this poor ragged boy

never has enough to eat

comes from a low family

other end of the street

I feed him anything stale

& as the shame clear

caught my ears

I knew I couldn’t go there

no more

wrongs

to turn away from

the seventh day’er

suggesting my antecedents

made me on the wrong side

of the accusation

& the words rise

only to stick in my throat

the long work the marches

hours nights spent

trying to put right

wrongs

I had no part in making

knowing I was doing

the work of the lord

& i knew

she wanted to make me cry

if not knowing the why

so i had to turn away

knowing that would only

serve her undefined needs

further

but I would not

be doing undeserved guilt today