the silly things you do
as a couple
to play games
fill the mundane
we’d play bog roll bingo
the rules
anything less than 3 squares of TP left
& YOU
have to change the toilet roll
if YOU find 3 or more squares left
& use those
the changing will be down to you
which trumps that stupid game
of toilet seat up or down
you men leave it up complaint
you women as strong independent thinkers
can put it down response
those games lead to fights
bog roll bingo has yet to do this
so far…
she told me late one night
were all about her relationships with men
her absent father who then died early
leaving her fully abandoned
the fellas she met while on the road
at gigs between venues musician parties
some she lived with for a little while
& a few she truly loved
accepting their frailties with booze the drugs
but she did not once tell of her own frailties
except for her love of the men with these
thinking her songs were enough
to fill in the gaps
moments of obliteration
to take the pain away
for just a little while
I get it I got it
watching the fetish movies
& seeing understanding
the attempts at obliteration
of who what how they were
in roles the clothes
latex rubber nylon satins
paint masks wigs bondage
diapers whips chains rope
obliterating their existence
searching for the next high
feeling being in this
who they really are
not this other being
drab in the day to day
the hardest lesson
I ever learned
after the one about having to earn a living
is that
organisations firms companies
do not exist to serve your needs
but their own
I think it was Weber on bureaucracy
wrote it first & best
but to the boy me starting out
the onset of this is how we do things here
always have always will
was a puzzle I could not disentangle
being that I could see easier ways
simpler ways to resolve the tasks given
to be told these notions
were above my pay grade
not in your remit
it was then I understood
my hardest lesson
this was why
so many people died tired
cynical downtrodden
the system set up to serve
had instead killed them
won
everything seemed to need effort then
buying my first Levi’s
before sanforized became a trademark
having to sit in a tub of hot water
while they shrank to fit
the dark dye staining legs the tub
upsetting mothers everywhere
needing to travel next town city over
to find the right shirt coat
even socks had to be the right kind
as did the shoes
finding ox blood cherry polish
for the doctor martens
all busy work for this growing boy
determined to be a fashion victim
she will say the opposite in polite company
but she don’t like men
oh there will be a husband lover or two
been & gone
but the truth hangs there as shadow
as she bristles at any supposed slight
on the plight of women
there appears for her to be no travails
any slight thing might ail
the perfect world of the conniving boys
& sly dog that I am
I will prod here & there for the fun
just to keep her awake
on her toes slowing her excitement
of the black & white world
she is living in
her exasperation comes in slow waves
but she does
keep coming back for more
I was popular for a little while
living among the non-payers of rent
amiable low life’s breeders mouth breathers
part time junkies occasional workers
having found an endless supply of nettles
in the weeeded patches used to empty dogs
these I turned into soft bubble nettle wine
had a glass row of jars going pop pop pop
when one was ready
there’d be a queue at the door
have you got?
I’d fill their jars for supposed favours to come
& then the nettles turned brown
the door stopped getting knocked
of course there were other possibilities
I could have explored for makings
but I was enjoying the peace
the quiet more
she came around bringing music to play
& I tried to say thank you just not today
words which did not sit well
I could feel the disappointment
roil off her in viscous hot waves
think she had in her mind I was hers to play
got stuff going on I said not good company
that’s ok sugar she offered I can take care of your needs
& though I knew full well not to let her in thru’ the door
she was already most of the way in looking around
we played the music rolled papers smoked ourselves out
sometime a lot later she stroked my head suggested
hey honey I can love you better in bed
so we wandered along got ourselves snuggled warm
& she left quiet sometime after midnight with not a word
leaving me further empty with more now to wish regret
not a wasted day but being alone is not about others care
leaving just a man with more evidence no spine enough
to face alone down what he needs to own
that little thing we try not to call shame
standing at the bar
next to me minding my own
fella his girl & his dad who says
you’re putting on the pounds son
thanks Dad but I’m still a size 36 waist
no you’re not look at mine
lifting his jacket to show his leather belt
blue jeans high up on his waist
these are 34 waist your 36’s are down there
hanging low on your hips not your gut
to be up like mine they need be 38’s at least
thanks Dad thanks a bunch
hey I’m on your side he said because
plus 36 is when the diabetes begins to happen
there was quiet for a minute maybe two
hey Dad at least I got a backside
not that flat thing you call an ass
about then I went back
to minding my own
you know I didn’t want to go
some wedding party
hundreds of miles away end of a working day
setting off in her old car hoping it would make it
when we arrived I knew nobody there
she knew the bride couple of the ‘maids
set about gossiping getting up to date
while I headed for the free bar
worked on getting the knots out
letting the work the miles driven
slowly begin easing their way away
from tired stretched cramped muscles
these fellas I didn’t know all around me
talking salaries houses being bought or sold
new cars new lives new wives new this new that
did my best to let the prattle wash over
feeling calm settle into these tired bones of old
& later she came over full of smiles
hey you settling in making new friends?
I waved a hand around at the fools
me ‘n the guys are getting on just fine
howsabout you?
& she talked away for a long time
but if you were to ask me about any fine detail
I could not repeat a word except maybe
I love weddings y’know?
which I refused to take as a hint
tho’ I did nod along every now & then
about how beautiful the bride the maids
handsome the new groom was
what a great time we were having
figuring right now was not a good time
for truths
