though I swore
back then
to never forget
I did
you did
we all do
the iniquities dished out
indignities given
that we vowed
to never
when it came to our turn
to lash on to others
but I did
you did
we all do
this shitty circle jerk
we learnt at the knee
Larkin only got half way
this slow drip
that
poisons the body
the mind
& I’m not talking
social diseases
here
more
the unkind way
families
take their time
in destroying
your will
stop you
from being you
doing the things
just might save
your life
the slow drip
of holding you
in never mind
we know better
the car got bumped
& I can tell
by her manner
demeanour
this was down
to her
& I laugh
c’mon tell me what happened
& the story takes a couple of tells
til’
we get to
it is what it is
& I emphasise
I’m not angry upset pissed off
shit happens sometimes
we fuck up
make mistakes
that is what makes us human
but she is pissed off
with herself
& all I can say is
time will soften that edge
as it does with everything
c’mere give us a kiss
XXX
these three beauties who gave me the cure
I’d been skipping the void
no entanglements to hold
for too many of my years
then un deux trois one after the other
three blonde beauties
married to other men took me into their beds
their messed up lives
& lord knows only too well I am not lover number 1
but these girls wanted & took
everything I could give
then would run on home to their kids in pretty houses
unsuspicious husbands to live
& love in the afternoon snatched evenings weekends
leaving me to sleep alone until the next snatched time
is not enough for a caring heart
so one after the other I said goodbye let them go
to slide back home to anothers’ arms & hearth
shit at this
not a follower
joiner
natural member
of anything
I enjoy the silence
too much
solitude
mountains coasts
the sea hills
anywhere in between
that I don’t have to
put your needs
wants wishes desires
above
or over mine
but know this
if I find you
you find me
you treat me right
I will
treat you right back
these flops I found
one roomers two roomers
shared shitter at the end
never entered my head once
to check out the architecture
all I needed then
were the four walls roof over
bed decent enough to sleep
someplace to keep
my bits n pieces of nothing
& these years on
I can stroll by now & look
see how they’ve been gentrified
gussied up all nice with paint
these flops I found for cheap
on glossy sales sheets
late Georgian post classical
& if only I’d known
surely my existence
would’ve been uplifted
right?
takes a while
before you notice
like in hot climates
the aches & pains of winter
are gone again
one day you notice
the smell of the flowers
that the rising tide of car noise
is now
just a buzz in the distance
& you look around
feel the lack of pain
absence of anger
take stock of where you are
this wave of something
as the questions come:
am I comfortable?
or just ok?
maybe today
I can feel happiness
go outside
feel the wind
the sun
begin again
me & her
sipping a Sol
put the red bandana
around Papas neck
there in Pamplona
just outside the bullring
sipping our Sol’s in the sun
as the crowds whistled cara al sol
as the pretty girls
touristed by looking on
wondering out loud
who the bust of Hem was
was that a statue
of some old matador
bullfighter retired
from the ring?
one asked out loud
yes
I said smiling sweet
I guess you can say that
it is
a crust
heel of the loaf
yesterdays fancies
slice of stale cake
& I was just a hungry boy
end of the food chain
mouths quicker to take
than my own
& this nice lady would feed me
a crust heel of the loaf
if I hung around
catch her eye
near her back door
until the day
I heard her talking
explaining
this poor ragged boy
never has enough to eat
comes from a low family
other end of the street
I feed him anything stale
& as the shame clear
caught my ears
I knew I couldn’t go there
no more
to turn away from
the seventh day’er
suggesting my antecedents
made me on the wrong side
of the accusation
& the words rise
only to stick in my throat
the long work the marches
hours nights spent
trying to put right
wrongs
I had no part in making
knowing I was doing
the work of the lord
& i knew
she wanted to make me cry
if not knowing the why
so i had to turn away
knowing that would only
serve her undefined needs
further
but I would not
be doing undeserved guilt today
neilbenbow 