I wonder about you
& you
whether your face
will ever
appear at my door again
or at some bar
where I’ll be putting down
some lines
words about the world
without you
& you
it is not that I want
for sure
need you
& you
in my days
nights
life
these are but the random thoughts
of your once flaneur friend
who wonders
about you
& you
& would like some juicy stories
to while away
winter evenings
& the cold mornings
where your hubris
might create a glow
Trauma creates psychology
& psychology
is character
its not that I want you
anybody
to fail
but I do
want
to see how you fight
watch how you do
deep in the trenches
that living brings
see how you cope
with the setbacks
life has
for all of us
we will watch & wait
see how you bounce back
or not
who you become
anybody can be a winner
when all goes right
but not everybody
can get up
after a loss
& begin again
trauma creates psychology
if you have the will
there are those
who draw from the well
taking only what they need
they are not those
who spill waste around
creating mud
that gets everything in a mess
& then
there are those that poison the well
they will deny this
but that is what they do
& no matter what you do
drain it
clean it
attempt to counter the poison
the well
is done
will never be the same again
all you can do
is to walk away
find new wells
sources of life giving
water
exile the poisoners
from your midst
for having struck once
they will strike again
& if you do not do this
one time
they will
poison you
& had grown now
into a woman
who loved sex
felt it brought her
all the rewards
that were surely hers
her man did not seem to mind
that her favors were there to be shared
I was one of the unlucky ones
she appeared not to care for
in the casino of her loving
one late evening
as ever
at a party
Jay came over
gently shaken
‘she offered me, man
offered it just there’
he pointed to a dark corner
she stood & said
‘you can fuck me
If you want,
right here,
do me from the back
I’ll pull my knickers over
& you can slide it in’
he was panting
all of this
as if it were a story
he’d heard told
to scare the children
he looked at me
eyes all over the place
shit man, I said
how could you refuse
such a gracious offer?
he looked at me again
narrowed his eyes
you can go off people
you know
he hissed
There can be little doubt
I am a lizard
not the lizard king
that was done some time ago
& look what happened there
I get lively as the sun shines
scuttling between shady spots
& basking in the sun
as needed
to restart the heart
take chase
for sustenance
the problem
with any of this
is my height
skin colouring
that I live in cooler climes
having to live for most of the year
without life giving sun
until we get the weeks
precious months
when we lizards
come into our own
Riding through minor towns
out to the country
where the miles roll away
there are moments
to stir the blood
cowshit on bends
tractors
emerging backwards from fields
or forwards
blades entering the road first
cars stopped
for no reason
but to enjoy the view
& there
at the back of a car
is a man standing
looking at me
with some intent
I’d ignore
but for that
intensity
& then I notice
his wife
girlfriends
whichever
a female bottom
naked
peeing in the lee
of a half open car door
& he looks at me looking
& I’m looking only
because he was looking at me
& now I’m a perv
a voyeur
or not
as I ride on
The light is low tonight
& I can see the grey
amongst the brown hair
people say to me
hombre
you dye your hair
& the ladies titter
behind their hands
at my vanity
like I’d use Grecian 2000
just for men stuff
I don’t
you know I don’t
yes I have my conceits
loving my long hair
that has cost me jobs
ladies
respect
amongst the posh white anglos
this
compadres
is mine
to dye it
would be to die
a mans hair
is his own totem
& to add colour
is to deny
who he truly is
