what you sow you reap
I was invincible then
running through fields
strings of lovelies
like wild horses
lost & found by hand
until they made me pay
explored my weakness
took me apart
one by one
made me care
think about the things
that mattered to them
houses furnishings curtain rings
leaving me no armour
when they turned me out
& fool that I was
I went chasing those fillies
wanting more
ending with nothing
but ashes & roses
knowing nothing but I was wrong
would have to start over
& over again
I made my way there
the hard way
working my way up
from sweeping the floor
taking the welding course
& came the day
I got to set the Mig up
feeling hundreds of eyes
as I put my first weld down
flipped the mask up
let the join cool
checking to see
if I needed to get the disk out
get set to grind
& I heard the voices behind
some of us are welders
some of us are grinders
thinking
if they’re taking the piss
I just might
have made it home
I know
she wanted to love me
she told me so
& for some time
we tried
straining against the wind
long hot afternoons
evenings of winding sheets
to become
something else
as she could not
ever explore explain herself
state her needs in words
& I?
steadfast
holding a refusal
to be telepathic
discern articulate
her depths & desires
while forced into
defending my own
against her scorn
out in the garden
mid afternoon
reading things writing things
watching the birds fly by
& there
corner of my eye
something somebody there
but yet not
hovering wanting to speak
but they don’t
just a sense of words
needing to be said
I sit more & wait
though they come no nearer
& then this feeling is gone
later I was told
around that time
granny was leaving us
with words she wanted to say
but couldn’t get out
I didn’t tell them of my visit
they think I’m crazy as it is
as me & her
hadn’t spoken in some years
anyway
to read the room
gauging fear & feelings
against the sit
of the crowd
I see the sigh
hear them
breathe in breathe out
perhaps bored
maybe a little happy
or just plain thirsty
& my girl
has none of those
reading skills
bounds in says Hi!
fails to understand
just why
they don’t eat her up
y’got to I say
ease in to any mob
find your spot
then work out from there
but she ain’t listening
& that’s why
they don’t love her
right off
once more but please
with a little more brio
she wants to argue
& I’m doing
the thing of absence
having partaken
of the fun juice as has she
& we have a rule
no fights in the night
when firewater
has been the menu
I write down the anger points
her black & whites
hang those on the fridge
say let’s do this sober
watching her fingers
looking for things to throw
say over my shoulder
if it’s all the same
time for me to go
a plate hits the wall
which tomorrow
she will regret
as I don’t do her clean ups
because someone
has to hold the line
just before
her last breath
whoever
(unseen by us)
had come to call
she told to go away
I guess
they didn’t
because
she took that
last breath
in this place
& was gone
from us
she comes
she goes
leaving nothing
but her
yes’s & no’s
couple of hours later
these bombs
explode
leaving nothing but
craters & holes
then she wonders
why the invites
come slow
& when in the night
you wake up
scratching
a worried head
thinking of woes
wondering how come
you never
let this one go
out of all the loves
you’ve ever known
it is because of those
yes’s & no’s
the discourse
has shifted now
I see it around me
feel my friends
parsing their words
checking for wrong think
wrong speech
in things they want to say
will I be offended?
will they mis speak?
offend some stranger
not in the room
if they speak their truth
& we were not like this
could speak our minds
get issues wrong
could argue to shift opinion
rather than this hostile situation
where opinions are
formed elsewhere
to be repeated not questioned
or sanctions
& unintended consequences
will be made
cleaning the stove
wiping down the washer
& I remind myself
the time
they put me through rehab
reminding me
teaching me
I was not above low tasks
like I’d not hauled coal
shifted bricks & mortar
carried weight
but here I was today
refreshments having been taken
scrubbing the stove
focussed on a dark spot
finding I was rubbing away
at heat settings
part of the instructions
thinking
maybe I needed
to revisit other lessons
learned there
at rehab
neilbenbow 