room full of poets
expecting the prize
roar up on my bike
people sipping wine
looking at me
oh no not him
not tonight
I have to change
out of my blue jeans
into the black
putting on socks
which have
become gloves
with extra fingers
bike boots tight
walk in sit down
as they announce
& the winner is
looks on faces
disbelief pissed off
the roughneck gets it
& I’m smiling
like I knew it
all this time
I was happy then
for a little while
me & her
those ancient oaks
in a section
closed off by roads
& the usual ‘fuck off’ signs
we found us a spot
to stop
walk in hand in hand
feeling the energy
bright clean air
I loved her then
the lust the loving took hold
we’d make love
under those aeons holding trees
& later we’d walk on
drinking all of that in
looking out for the old man
in blue dungarees
not fussed about us
just keeping an eye
& she never saw him
but I did
understood the news
he was bringing
none of this was eternal
not me & her the love
or the trees
drinking large then
she came over
asked me to dance
& I knew straight
just one glance
she was gonna be trouble
but hell why not
this might be
my last chance
she spun me up
danced me around
liked my smile she said
me & jim bought her
another round
took her home
she stayed a while
until came her time
to move on
no regrets no hate
just my smile
had faded of late
she said she
needed to go out dancing
get her some fun
where I had none
so me & Jim
poured another one
is where we
started from
in the corner of the café bar
she sat smiling at me
my failing always
the boho hippy girls
I tried talking to this one
& each time
she’d pick up her book
the hobbit
flick through the pages
take a reading
before answering back
& yeah I figured quick
this one wasn’t playing
with the full deck
she told me if I was
looking for something
then here might be something
but maybe not
the something
I was looking for
it was about this time
I recognised
maybe I’d be better
looking somewhere else
for the something I was needing
maybe over misty mountains cold
what I had was not
what was wanted or needed
here
my suggestion when
things weren’t going right
lets take some time
just to reflect
what works what don’t
where we can be better
& she looks blank at me
that sweet smiling face
says I don’t like to think
about the bad things
things that’ve gone wrong
I’m just doing the best I can
every day
& I don’t ever know
how other people think
go about their lives
without the thinking over
overthinking the shit gone wrong
not to make the same mistakes
ever again
I look into that sweet face
knowing she loves me
understanding coming late
if she don’t think on the things
that’ve gone wrong
I just might be
the source of all that
one of those
close encounters
a pretty face at a party
caught in a glance
across a crowded room
heat in our eyes
those that can cause flame
as we slowly circled in
we talked of nothing much
while i felt the tingle
lower belly down to my balls
feeling sure
I’d be making love
with this one
we agreed to meet later
another time
I gave her my number
as she gave me hers
mine was not right
I made it one digit out
weeks after my friend told me
he’d started seeing her
the number she gave
was one digit out
should we meet up?
but I knew I’d be busy
that night
like I knew when I first saw her
she’d be the one to take my life
somewhere nowhere in Spain
I had to get off the road
just stop rest up for a while
I’d been dragging her around
for a while now
& the weight of her expectations
the heat miles ridden
the relief of being alive
after running with the bulls
had all become too much
I turned off into a field of gold
where wheat had been harvested
to sit for a while in silence
hoping for sleep hoping for peace
but she wasn’t tired
did not understand
kept talking talking about nothing
that had happened or we’d seen
we had a grumble fuck instead
now that she understood
& then we fell asleep
when I woke I felt clear
the joke was upon me
these experiences being here
I’d hoped to be shared
were mine & mine alone
she would never get it
being the passenger
just along for the ride
some Saturdays
when the thirst is strong
the after hours boys
give out a come along
to an open house
until the sun comes up
& this one don’t understand
why they never get given
& yes I know it’s a losing game
to try to talk sense to dim cousins
you know when you said
donny’s house was a midden?
you’d give bob’s wife one
if she’d just get rid of him?
he’s looking at me blank
I was drunk right? just kidding
y’have to remember I try
talk like that never gets forgotten
nobody here cares much now
about what you say anymore
you’re the guy always finds fault
& who needs that on long nights
drinking talking about nothing
waiting for the sun to come up on dawn
trying to find the happy bottom of the glass?
& you my friend like to talk give trash
not understanding this band of brothers
might not care about anything
but talk like that? only makes you low class
she came after the class
wanted to complain
about the F given
felt she’d done all she could
heeded the bidding
do you recall I asked
the tutorials at my house
six of you sitting around
long discussions?
things you needed to know to pass?
she nodded pink coming to cheeks
I know you recorded those
as do your peers
yet you never asked once
does anybody here object?
I I needed notes for recall she stammered
yeah yeah but did you share those?
type them out for others as answers?
this was an ethics class & yet
you never stopped to consider
the ethics of recording your friends
or me to help you gain the pass
she walked away after that
which was sad
because everybody deserves
a second chance if they can see
where they went wrong
offers a mea culpa
wants to make good from bad
searching
reaching through
these note books
looking for gold
old thoughts
half forgotten journeys
places I’ve been
people seen
trying to read
my own spider scrawls
make sense
of it all
ideas
I thought once
might be useful
for discourse
reminders
to remember
the precious
coming in
& out of view
neilbenbow 