I never let go
‘less all the fat is chewed over
until the bone is cracked
marrow gone
I never let go
never got the letting go easy memo
ever was taught take a breath
exhale
leave the horror behind
I worry the bone thru’ to dust
cannot bring myself to bury that
or the hatchet
until all the worrying of is done
all bitter lessons learnt
& then
if you have wronged me
decided to avoid
if you try again to be in touch
then my friend
you will feel a deep winter cold wind
blow
you piss on the fire
again & again
putting yourself out there
wanting the rush
excitement
being amongst people
saying what you think
needs be said
& then the danger bites back
what did you expect?
a reward for foolishness
medal of honour for dumbfuckery?
you got burnt
will get burnt again
but if you open your mouth
say the things you do
expect like fire
there will be retribution
at some time
she had a poison way about her
could see her flutter between people
watch them turn then to look at me
folk who had always been pleasant
now throwing cold shade my way
& I have no idea what she was saying
but I can guess it would not be fun
& I could spend years trying be nice
working to throw off bullshit thrown around
but thinking more if you have to choose
of your truth between the poison pen & me
please don’t ever choose me
these blue days
where you keep
your voice silent
in case others hear
the silent choking weep
begin to look hard see that
gouging pain behind the eyes
where all you want to do
is to sit silent holding on
to the chair the room
whirl of nothing in your head
hoping & waiting
for light to appear
some sepia sun
seeping under the door
flooding serotonin in
again
please
the confidence goes
second by second
inching in bits
looking around for a better time
& where once you’d march in
head held high
comes a slouch soft
was it waking alone
once too often?
too many rejections
in a row
wrong turns on the lust highway
reaching to dead ends
time wasted today
yesterday
all to try over once more
hoping against experience
for something to come
I had two attempts at this
my birth mother who ran away
& a step mother
who said straight
I just can’t do care
so when I see on the tv
a mother’s love lasts forever
mums are the best
mummas hold unconditional love
& on & on
I have no idea what these people
are talking about
especially when then
they discount the role of dads
say what you like about that cat
at least he hung in did his best
tried to be there
I offer this not for pity
some thin stretched sympathy
just to say
so much is taken for granted
on that thing they call tv
about 4 in the morning
dark with a hint on the horizon
leaving you sleeping
I came flying off the hogs back
that long sweeping curve
kept getting tighter tighter
leaning my beemer r100r lower
lower still lower still
& I could see the grass close
feel tall weeds whipping my head
& everything slowed
the moment stretched out the seconds
I wanted to reach out feel the green
my body taught holding the lean
then bam!
sliding out on the highway
having to lift
shift gears
crank upright
speedo reading 65mph
as the laughter came
the love of being alive
with nobody to tell
but the wind
I can guess
these who retreat
into silence
I don’t wanna speak
with you no more
you are dead to me
as if
that was ever
the victors position
& I can’t say for sure
what they are thinking
but I can guess
& I bet it involves
fingers pointing
names being called
like we did back then
in junior school
in the street
she says hello
in the way that says
I’m glad we said goodbye
while you look at her
checking this is the same person
once loved you
told you she’d do anything
you wanted
for ever
any time you asked her
& you say hello too
when you really want to ask
just wtf happened?
did I bore you?
did I get bored with you?
but she’s gone moved on
thankfully
I held her hand a few times
over the years
contributed to the love
where &
when I could
did my bit to help her shine
not to take away her glitter
be in the mix of those
of her life
not one of the bad ones
who came later
tho’ now she doesn’t know
finds it hard to understand
who I was in her
her mothers life
& can’t or won’t talk
give the time of day
did I do these things as part of
or for reward?
as it feels now
no good deed
goes unpunished
