we talked on destinations

found her at a bus stop

one long afternoon

in the summer rain

we talked on destinations

our lives people raising us

how we felt estranged

while the bus never came

& we moved in together

to take that first kiss

as the rain dripped around us

warm soft easy to miss

there was talk of meeting up

running away together

start some new life somewhere

where people like us

could live lives we needed

then her bus came

took her away

& these years on

I remember her face

that kiss in glowing rain

but her name

where she lived

are gone because

I never saw her again

another tissue to be used

I could not plead ignorance

though maybe I can try to fool you

there ain’t no fooling myself

with the truth

I had been here before

lovers with substance issues

& no matter the lies

I knew I was not first

even second in that partnership

the use always comes first

promises will be broken

even written become useless

another tissue to be used

perhaps what kept me

the best lovers are always

the crazies the out of control

& maybe just mebbe I was just

following my dick into darkness

hoping for new to be found

but I knew like you know

she was out of control

& just hanging on hoping

is no way to live

for a good person to be

you can always rely on a good bar

I knew for sure we were saying goodbye

this was the last time even if she did not

that long slow summer afternoon

with the sun pushing thru’ white curtains

making her a silhouette

as she moved around the room

we made love

though this was more the other thing

brute mix of passion spite hate regret

& after she lay still as I tried not to fall asleep

neither of us talking about anything

that needed talking about

all talking was done for a little while

our needs had been satisfied

then:

do you have to go?

yes yes I do you know that

I hate it when you leave so soon

after after this…

I got up dressed quick kissed her for the last time

& walked out the door

knowing she would never see me again

with her getting married the next week

& all

so I went & found a good bar to sink a few

begin the forget

a good bar is always reliable for that

Half Halo

this doesn’t happen often

not for a few years now

but here it is

state of altered consciousness

a glowing semi circle

bottom left of my eyes

flashing pulsating glowing

sometimes colours

not just triangles black & white

& this feeling of a pane of glass

between me & the world

where I can hear everything

see everything

yet feel one step away

then the headache that comes

foreboding of something amiss

between my eyes

this mind & the world

the other side

of the glass

never leaves

my old man grew up on a road

unpaved full of grass & weeds

son of an old fashioned drinking man

a mother had other babies that died

she loved the ones that survived

& tho’ he moved into bricks & asphalt

that kind of country never leaves

leaves a stain strange feelings inside

he rode the steel rails to make his money

& when the time came for him to go

he turned his hand back to land

reckoned i’ts what he should’ve done

so long ago but when your dad says

I found you a job son that’s where you went

you honour the old ones who made sacrifices

for that way of living country people believe

creates a breathing life code that never leaves

a new melody when I had none

that morning

I came to see you unannounced

found someone there with you

who’d dropped by to say hi

or so he said

& I knew the score

how the melody went from then

walked away saying goodbye

feeling each bump in the pavement

October coming on

knowing our summer was over

winter would not be long

I felt the bitter mixed in with the sweet

of something good gone wrong

not the anger of betrayal

even today there’s an ache

thinking of you in that what we had

could not did not stay

wondering how you are today

& if he gave you what you needed

a new melody when I had none

things change

that she says

is different from what you said

the other day

& I sigh because otherwise

I’d be dead

we’ve solved the bigger things

war with china

it’s us who loses an eye our legs

not him or her

those who live in the high castle

owns the shares

they don’t have things that change

on a daily basis

for us peons living days on the floor

things change

but she’d already gone off to measure

this or that

because for her curtains carpets wallpaper

things like that

will always need changing where for me

these places

are just rooms where I hang my hat

the dreaming

I lay entranced for a long time

dreaming up the future

getting all of the details tight

dotting all the t’s

crossing all the i’s

painting the picture best I could

getting the colours right

then finally ready

got myself out of bed

put my feet on the path

to realise

I’d forgotten about me

my ability to forget

pay attention in the moment

the distractions that come

to a hungry soul

with feet on the street

head in the clouds

& I had to go back again

lay for a little long while

dreaming everything up

adding in the new information

found

desire path

this thick green patch

between the car park

& the building we lived in

eight plus hours a day

there was a path of course

white’ish concrete slabs

there in the middle

but either side

not eight feet away

lay two desire paths

one for the people

working east side

& the other for the west

slim diagonals in clay

pointing to purgatory

the boss pulled me in one day

I think you’re getting lazy

just me? I asked

got him to the window

pointed out the desire paths

everybody here is lazy

don’t you know that?

now let me get back

to making money for ya

I was the rotten kind

they fired me

like a dirty bullet from a clean gun

letting me know

I was the rotten kind

over & done

thinking I’d free fall

out into the wilderness

somewhere under a shallow rock

hiding from the too bright sun

& to be sure

I certainly felt low

at least for a little while

took a few too many drinks

walked out into that wilderness

let the self pity come

but what they’d forgotten

as I did too for moment or two

survivors always but always

will be able to swim

find a new way

if the old ways don’t work out

& I came up for air tried again

found success in a new direction

which really pissed them off

more than some