she comes she comes

in the middle of the night

the early hours when sleep

seems for another friend

just not mine

not her face oh lord no

that we never want

just the things she did

& said

those rotten shitty things

keep roiling thru’ my head

& she comes in conversations

do you ever hear from?

in people who don’t know

not to ask these things

that we’re a long time done

& she put the wedges in

between me other people we knew

I had to end her for the infidelity

the evasions non love brings

the lies & stories she felt kept her free

but we both knew what was true

& she twisted all of that for me

for them for all of us for you

but she comes she comes

in the early dark hours

reminding that I gave all I could

& that is never enough

for those who love themselves

more

than they ever can you

they ran me out of there

seriously

escorted me around & out of the building

even though I’d given notice weeks ago

I guess they were scared of me

what I might do or say

there on my last day

& to be fair truthful

I hated them all with every ounce I had

people who make work think themselves

to be anything but the cog in the wheel they are

& that attitude of mine stunk the place up

so the big fella sat there

as I boxed all my personal shit up

I’d come prepared with carriers to cart it all away

sat there like the lump he was watching

I guess in case I took office property

like I needed shitty reminders of the place

I’d taken their money done the job

we’d contracted that I would do

& now it was time to go

no cake no rousing cheer goodbyes

notes on a card keep in touch

just shallow breathing so’s

I would not take in more stink than I had to

& the joy in all of this

they said of themselves

to be a caring organisation

all go

it is a terrible thing to do

when you’ve set up a life

with another

to want to tear all of that

apart

& say

I’m sorry this is no longer working for me

& I didn’t talk about the betrayals

the lies told

just & only just

this is no longer working for me

I have to let you go

& that’s it

to begin tearing it all down

break the love you had all flat

asunder

& later

I heard the stories begin

what an awful person I’d been

well quite

there is always a fee for the breakee

but no

these were fables of cruelty violence

insanity

& the crowd you once knew

are gone

you let them all go

not that they notice

they think it was them

let you go

for if they can believe these things

about you

your absence is not noticed

then your presence is no longer

required

& that

in itself creates an alone time

but better

you let them all go

if they can think these things are true

you were never real friends

anyway

but hey

there was time you believed her too

some time ago

I told them

I feel

we are being pushed back

to Victorian times

the ages of being serfs

chattels to the rich

& quite rightly

they sneered

what do you know poet boy?

I tried reason

your pay has not risen

in over ten years

yet bills continue to rise

your card debts are up

student loans not paid off

& you have two jobs now

to keep the roof overhead

wolves from the door

they told me

this is how it has always been

I offered quite brightly

maybe you could read

how things used to be

who got time for that?

they sneered

& went back to dragging

their slave debt chains

across the floor

cheerfully clanking them

as they went

because y’know

wants the final word

those words to be the end

of discussion

argument debate

because y’know

& there is nothing

you can say

authority has spoken

because y’know

final words have been given

take them

& shut up

swallow them down

go

walk away

because y’know

there is some higher ground

though I’m looking

all I see is retreating feet

thin positions on shaky sands

& if I too walk away

don’t expect

I’ve taken all this in

your wannabe finality

because y’know

that you’ve said these things

don’t make it

necessarily so

I reckon

one cold frozen night

when the thinkin

gets to be a problem

you can run me outside

don’t leave the door open

see if I can work my way

back inside

& if not

well then

surely the problem is solved

I don’t want to get

be like these

sittin in traffic mind all closed

wonderin what

those yellow blinky lights do

walkin around

forgettin their street shoes

let age be for those who want it

got their own

yearnin

for achin grown old bones

I’d rather be remembered

bright as a button

shapin my life

not headin downwards

soft in the belly head

everythin a strife

a burden on those I loved

forgettin their names yesterday today

you stay alive

though you no longer want to

welcoming open arms

any stranger with danger

on their breath

take the pills offered

pay the ransom down

to wake up again

looking around knowing

this is it

until the end of time

what doesn’t kill you

makes you stronger

& obviously those people

who think like this

have never struggled

to drown

as you lie in your ragged bed

listening to each torn breath

to wonder

if ever

anybody

will hold out a hand

riding

was I just younger then?

more open to the what happens

I had to just get away

thinking if I stayed somebody would die

& I did not want that to be me

riding out into the country

letting the miles slide by

pictures in a picture show

eyes caught by the wind

or so I wanted to believe

& then the sound no rider wants to hear

a missing beat in the engine

coughs & some loud backfire

& you count back miles to the gas stop

think of things that can go wrong

pulling over when the lurching begins

a dry scrape side of the road

checking the fuel plugs

doing that whole sweating kick start thing

& a bike pulled in behind

fella gets off’f it strolls over

y’ok? need a hand?

& you go over what’s been gone over

they notice a break in a HT lead

yeah that’ll do it eh?

grins all around

come back they say I got tape to fix that

& you follow

what else is there to do?

back at theirs the helmet comes off

& you see the first time

the rider is a girl

they notice the surprise & smile

gotcha eh?

you fix the lead

while she makes the coffee

& you get to stay a while

remind me

remind me

just what it was

I did to you

for you to behave this way?

take away my world

rip the rug under my feet

is it revenge

seeking for something sweet

a dance around my funeral fire

muttering mad phrases

pulling my heart to pieces

feeding them to the pyre

when will be enough?

nothing left but rust

fragments of yesterday

blue lint grey dust

I hope you may be happy then

but you know

& I know

you will still be a liar

something just wrong

the things they say

you have bad blood in you

will never amount to much

will die alone

broke homeless in the street

can’t write can’t paint

hold no human decency

there is something just wrong

about all you do or say

& it is easier to nod along

life has taught you this way

let them sing their sad old song

but you know

the reasons why

you never call their place home

& it is all of the above & more

these being the kinds of people

push out

anything acts like a mirror

& more

you know

these are the ones

who will truly die alone