we had us a good run
took them years
for us a decade or so
before the truth got out
they hated me
everything I stood for
they’d been interpreting
right from the start
where I thought felt
I’d been operating
right from the heart
their hate bubbled out
rancid streams of piss
puke bile y’know the score
& I felt a sense of relief
thank fuck for all of that
at least from now on
I don’t have to bother
playing nice to these
smiling faces hiding hate
anymore
I got a call
where are you?
right now I said
I’m on the other side of the world
we were wondering where you were
as we hadn’t heard from you
in a while
I’d say 8 months give a week or two
that long?
I could hear the puzzle there in the voice
yeah that long
I figured if you didn’t notice my presence
then you might not notice my absence
they rang off
pretending not to understand
which was understood
by all of us
even believe it themselves
they will say out loud that they love you
may even
believe it themselves
yet when you point out the gap
between theory & practice
the real feelings emerge
& all it was
I pointed out their controlling
the way they arranged everything
to suit themselves
not us their guests
when we stayed in their home
on one of the islands in the sun
please give us a little privacy
leave our shit alone
maybe not rearrange us
do our washing hang it on the line?
if you make the bed like in hotels
can I have that mint on the pillow
please?
I ended up wearing her man’s drawers
they’re black she said just the same
oh no I noticed right away I said
mine are baggier in the front
heavier balls you see
don’t you know?
bumps you get to see
feel
share in the pain given
but the unseen
unheard
unspoken of
daily drudge
of the unkind
unnecessary
create the teen
growing into adult
thinking
feeling
this
is
how the world is
& your kindness
offer to help
probably
possibly
will be seen
in the light of this
as
just more
to come
I felt disinclined
to send out invitations
vote for folks who did not care
do something with my hair
my shoes life clothes
I felt disinclined
to sit with people I did not know
talk with people I did
put on a party dress
only to take part in the dull
I felt disinclined
listening to music watch movies
take in ideas fashions mores
someone thought I should
for my own betterment
walk in dead mans shoes
wear a borrowed overcoat
make a rhyme every line
I felt disinclined
you don’t laugh then
tho’ later
you know it to be funny
the letter tumbling from her purse
spilling out
I love you don’t you see
in a spiritual way
want to be with you forever
& the words
were not written for me
but for her other
new lover
who did not know about me
nor me him
until the letter dropped
to the floor
more
forever
there were tears outrage
not from me
but her
in being found out
the from then on
ex lover
end of the room in a hippy bar
place where the kids had defaced the poster
with better rhymes than I had to show
the guitarist from the band
set me up with a mic’ & speaker
as my friends & family came in to support
I started to read slow clear
fighting the buzz at the bar
voices talking over
& then the moment came on
the sounds got low
every now & then
came a yes! say it!
spoken not shouted & beers came over
at first from the owner
then the punters the people
(my own crowd too tight to buy)
hearing words they seemed to know
liking what I spoke to
while I learned to let the line speak for itself
& sixty minutes in I closed the show
my tongue dry & fat
it was time to drink the beer
finally let go & relax
when he died he left no will
& his overgrown kids fought over
his motorcycles
the little bit of gold he had
rings chains with pendants
began using lawyers to spite each other
who of course gobbled up
any value there was there
& going to his funeral
I dragged out the new colors he’d given me
when I finally became a member of the MC
I’d kept those for best
preferring the battle scars of my old cut
gained in prospecting on my back
& this was that special occasion
my brother gone
to the big clubhouse in the sky
& there in the pocket
unfound until now
a chain for me
just a little bit of gold
to remember him by
& you can be sure I did not tell his kids
about that
RIP Flomp
walking the pavement
in a faint yellow sun
not always it seems
able to hitch a ride
walking walking
looking for something
& I’d stop
lean on a wall
fish out the pen paper
sometimes to the excitement
of passers by
what’choo doin?
they’d ask impudent
writing my own thoughts I’d say
oh ok like they’d found a spy
some wandering council official
writing on the state of the place
disappointed they’d wander on
muttering that I was just a fool
& maybe eh?
but at least I wasn’t the one
asking foolish questions
out loud
under a faint yellow sun
music hanging in the air
an ancient refrain keening
delineating
them from us
silks velvets furs
from the coarse cloth
down the hill
we were made of mud
hard broken bones
shit piss blood
bent backs fit for toil
& nothing else
theirs was the watching world
enjoying the spoils
make sure we worked
until our last breath
burdened with the curse
knowing we despised them
but wanting our love
worse
some of our weaker
brothers & sisters
did
neilbenbow 