Songs on the radio
she hates the noise
interrupting her thoughts
which of course
she does not share with me
unless asked
& then those tail away
so I sing to the songs
the playlist I made
mixtape if you will
to come away
make this trip together
& I’m singing to her too
if she would know it
looking to the distance
when a lyric melody
catches me
oh you have goosebumps
she says
are you cold?
yes I reply
there’s a chill in the air
eh?
if you listen to them
which you should never do
they will tell you
men are hard work
difficult & dangerous
& yet
we were leaning over a pole fence
staring down at Bilbao
bright lights of the city below
& after a short hello
in French Spanish German & English
he talks to you of his life
his visits here & there
the life operation to come
he cannot tell his family for fears of
& all I can do
is wish him the best
to all of that
& his travelling beyond
thinking how easy this can be
to be truly met
if we are only strangers
travelling
when she came to me
I took her in as she was
as a place to rest
place to slow
she was nervous
& I came I to know
that was how you were
a running girl
& the worst always is
watching another grow
is to understand
feel in the bones
know
one day
the time will come
for the running girl
to go
they want what you have
but
they don’t want
you
the kind of campsite
where if you don’t hear the roar
of the trees the pines
you hear the surf night & day
the season was closing fast
everybody local had gone away
when I found him in the shadows
he told me he was travelling
with jesus
hoping to find his way
between here & Santiago
& those I asked are your plans?
more for fear for him
with winter closing in
as I noticed jesus had not provided shoes
a tent winter coat or map
& he sighed long & low
like this question was raised by everybody
by fools who did not know
the lord is here with us now
he said smiling again
who needs shoes on holy ground?
& all I could see were shadows
stones & sand
a scruffy dirty traveller
standing alone
questioning just who
was the mad one
here
no love for a poor boy
she is looking
for a doctor now
though being unkind
I’m quite certain
the bait
she is throwing out
will float on the line
for some time
for that bait caught me
& apparently
I was not worth
the catching
the last time I was here
I was younger brighter faster
like a tigger on heat
for you
becoming eeyore
as your truth shone through
I knew nothing of alcoholism then
though I loved to drink
becoming sadder
finding your empty bottles
your emptiness
where none of the history
the heat the light
meant nothing to your madness
need for the next glass
& all I became to you
was a means
money when you needed it
holder of booze as necessary
propping you up
support for your ends
only
into oblivion
they never asked
so I never told them
what it cost
inside
for me to go visit
to try & stay with them
to put myself aside
pretend to forget
for the few hours
we got to play happy families
but always too soon
the cracks would open up
pretence would wear thin
stories would be told
& if I wasn’t quick enough
to slow these down
the sadism would shine through
& I’d have to leave again
bucket with a short rope
winding down
to this pool of sadness
residing within
reaching down
to the wishing you well
on soft glimpse
of a bright sunrise
a long drive
thinking about you
& me
songs on the radio
lulling feelings
to the surface
you never can tell
a memory from nowhere
pulled out by the scenery
placed in space not time
your happy smiling face
when once you loved me
as I was
& now
we are strangers
I let you go
though they way you tell it
told it
you were the one
who brought us to an end
my cruelty
unkindness
I guess I was proved right
you were the untruth
between us
& that is why
You had to go
there are always
people who want things
stuff
that they may not even
have articulated yet
but they will want from you
& all you can do
is to hold on
wait until their needs
have become clear
or you
have managed to extricate
yourself
from whichever drama
they have created
because to ask you
straight out
making demands
may result in a NO
so
they must engineer
create situations
in which
your only option is
to say yes
a grudging yes
or a frustrated ok maybe
in which case
they will have won
neilbenbow 