playing Puck
in the school play
midsummer night’s dream
all of twelve-thirteen
they had the jerkin
shirt feather hat
the greasepaint
but could I supply
the brown tights please?
I guess now as gesture
of commitment
so I asked them at home
for these
& they gave me summer tan
pantyhose
so out I went
on my toadstool
broadcasting my lines
in summer tan pantyhose
giving it all my all
this youthful comely sprite
in tights
ignoring the crowd jeers
if you please
this letting go
days are not easy
nights worse still
sitting standing alone
in the letting go
this blind man
climbing the mountain
wanting to hold on
to everything
otherwise
there is nothing
but being alone
& in those times
when my floors walls
were bare
to be letting go
seemed
that one step
beyond dare
until realisation comes
unless this goes
there is no space
for new to come on in
if only
it were that easy
lump on my head
needing removal
this may sting he says
just a little
as I feel hear
the local anaesthetic needle
crunch into my skull
they give me some time
just a little
before they cut my hair
needing a clear zone
around the lump
you ok? they go
& I say yeah
I feel them pull my head
begin to hack my skin
any discomfort they ask
oh just a little
as they ignore me
I am now just
a slab of meat
requiring attention
as I drift off to my hill
planting trees
spade into the ground
create a hole
slide in the whip
firm up around
just a little
& wait a while
this odd scruffy cat
is mumbling
into his beer
got that
pucker mouth thing
happening
does not want
to spill a drop
& I lean in
y’never know
where wisdom
can come
& in between
the fuckins’
the assholes
I catch the odd word
here there
wimmin don’t unnerstan’
landlords assholes
bosses bastards
& I guess today
he’s not
quite got the poetry
just the wisdom
goin’ on
there were hints
tiny murmurs
for me to be adventurous
try new things
which being a sporting man
I was happy to do
then came recriminations
I wasn’t getting IT right
whatever IT was
never explained
explored
made whole
& I understood
it was all on me
to give permissions
take responsibility
so for her
IT became
the things
he made me do
& fool that I am
did not know
that was a trap
walking the undercliff
feeling the silence
even tho’ even there
there is no complete quiet
rustling of leaves
bird calls
the ever present
buzz in the ears
this silence exists
of no neighbours
cars passing thru’
planes passing overhead
drone of radio’s tv’s
voices nothing to say
just the noise of me
boots in mud catching stones
breathing heavy
& nothing
but this silence
holding on
feeling its way
into me
driving around the city
got good songs on the radio
windows down warm afternoon
& she says innocent
let’s go down to
ain’t been there in a long while
& I don’t want to say no
as that’s a whole other conversation
so I say I’d prefer to go to
the company is always good there
set the wheels in that direction
before we she gets to oh
& what I don’t want to talk about
the poor company where she
hasn’t been in a long while
because it is even longer
since I was there with another
& that is the real reason
we don’t go there
I bought a large bright yellow plastic duck
a green bottle of Badedas for bubbles
another smaller yellow duck
clockwork that kicked around the tub
& put the plug in hot tap on
wondering at the wonder
of having to be taught to use a bath
oh I’d been raised with those
a lick of soap in & out please
there being others
needing the cooling water
standing cold in the freeze
so I’d never learned to just soak
let go relax feel muscles release
& I was nervous if I could perform
hold the ritual doing something for me
lie there in the water
waiting for peace to come
stories told over ages
power of kith & kin
leaving me to wonder
which world
am I living in?
this blood has not been
thicker than water
nobody rescued me
from the rising tide
no arms stretched across
our family divides
& I remember being told
no man is an island
I didn’t know then
when I stayed apart
I was building up the strength
to live through the breaking of hearts
& now I am my longest relationship
the only person I have ever known
kept walking kept going
when everybody else
had flown
the old police station
is an upmarket bar coffee place now
called the blue light lounge
we lope by one day on our way
to someplace else
I tell her it was there
they dragged me in
put me in a cell downstairs
took my belt shoelaces wallet money
laughing as my pants fell down
searched my clothes for anything
then two of them bum rushed me
telling how they didn’t like my kind
crowded me into the cell
calling names loud long hair bum
trying to intimidate
mebbe hoping I’d throw a punch
let me stew for a few hours
then let me go
leaving me to walk back miles
to where they’d picked me up
& now people sit with high price lattes
imported beers micro brews
like horror stories
no doubt
much worse than mine
happened here
