takes many forms

I was flattered she was interested

that blonde hair good body

sassy way of talking had me caught

not hard line struck cold deep fjord

more gentle stream trout tickle

gut feeling tingle sweetened by thought

& we were lovers for a month or two

then it was over for reasons not quite clear

& we went back to friendship

some time on this is never mentioned

I feel somehow it’d be rude to talk

ask questions so I abstrusely allude

& she either has forgot

or doesn’t want to know

so I leave these thoughts lie fallow

wondering on the many streams art takes

not just focusing on life forms the nude

the abstraction of love

piety is never an excuse

one of those ladies

sits quiet in the corner butter wouldn’t melt

dressed like they’ve prematurely aged

muted colours thin greens some kind of beige

hiding behind her piety secret messages from god

& she hated everybody not of her cloth

went whispering to the boss

every chance she got

she would wait her moments find you all alone

step right up to her dislike punching straight in

letting out all that hate

how you were not up to scratch

not good enough in her book didn’t pull your weight

& she didn’t like I started laughing

cut her back down to size

its just a job baby here for the pay

knowing she’d scuttle cry to the boss

telling of poor attitudes

which I would then firmly deny

holding my own sweet smile

you know how these god botherers are

you know how they twist & lie….

if she was gonna go do hate

I wanted to be sure she had a reason why

walking on

walking late into the night

I’d walk as far as I could

seek shelter behind a wall

wake up with the dawn

walking on

I was telling her of this

my days fourteen fifteen yrs old

as anywhere was better

than where I was back there

nobody was looking for me

no police reports

& I don’t know how I survived

no recall on how what I ate

just the one foot in front of the other

aiming for a friendly forest

some gentle place beside a stream

you must have been so lonely?

she said soft slightly sad

I had no idea of that I answered

loneliness only came later

after I’d found relationships

friends who came & went

gave me something to compare

j’ne regrette

first I ever rode

was an Italian gilera 50cc

that belonged to a good friend

whose name I now forget

but whose yellow & red gilera I never will

I rode it five miles out & back

as he waited anxiously beside the road

& then I shook for five minutes afterwards

the only other time ever did that

was after my first sex

both of these events changed my life

for ever

I was a rider

motorcycle rider biker petrolhead

& never once ever regretted

any of it

November brings changes

we were sitting on my hill

backs against a log

feet facing downhill to the fire

watching the last of the big logs burn down

my neighbour was sucking on another pint of my whisky

staring into the flames

I sighed some man its good to do this

the job has been driving me crazy I need to leave

he said nothing kept guzzling

& if I do that then all this may have to go….

looking around the black wide open sky

oh jeez fella you are so mawkish at times

y’are really bringing me down he moaned

I looked over watching him warm his bones

drinking my booze there at my fire

& suddenly he was right

the mawkish mood was gone

I’d be pleased to leave

this freeloading bum behind

less to build the dust

we were going nowhere

heading there fast

this dark haired beauty who drifted in

another lost kid resenting her adoption

her people she felt didn’t care

Kay held me in her pale arms

listened as I scaled the walls

building dream castles

the ways we might have been

if we were not the fuck ups we were

& time always slides by

those days slipped into nights

& somewhere I lost her love

just like the others didn’t give enough

maybe we both were just all alone

& the together was our common song

coming from nowhere going back there fast

until the day she found solace elsewhere

leaving me to carry on on my own

creating castles in thinner air

now there was one less to build the dust

deliverance

you mustn’t ever leave me she said

all long red hair earnest as rust

I have rejection issues

& for the life of me I never understood that

she had come from a family loved her

had provided for all of her needs

& I tried to hang on in there

loving her as best I should

but its difficult when her fear

led her to not invest as she could

becomes a one-way street

I loved how she loved when she did let go

but man it was a battle to get her to that place

giving is giving up giving in letting trust show

surrender is to win the war

where love grows

eventually I had to offer defeat

& know she provided her own rejection

all I was

was the deliverance machine

behind

she comes up behind

I’m doing things

sitting here writing

fixing my motorcycle

absorbed in thought

the whatever

wanting to cuddle kiss

puts her hands on me

& I jump flinch pull away

she feels rejected she says

I try to tell her

its not you baby

its me

& this time that is true

I flinch jump pull away

whenever anybody touches me

when I don’t expect it

that’s the results of abuse right there

the after effects stay with you for life

the abusers want you to grow out of it

forget about it they say it’s over

& maybe you do in your thoughts

begin to heal the mind

leave it all behind

but your body never forgets

ever

I want to capture you

or something along those lines

I’d been steady drinking for an hour two

but I’d agreed to the request

& turned up to sit still for a while

I wanted to lie back while she set to

even offered to go nude

tho’ apparently that would never do

she kept saying relax just let go

which seemed to have the opposite affect

so we sat for a while had a drink maybe two

then I read a novel & forgot about her & pencils

some time around a month later she called

come see what you think see if it’ll do

& we sat silent for a while reflecting on my head

I could see what she’d set out as me

but something didn’t jar ring right true

I look like a thug I said is that me to you?

she flustered some then shades of pink

there on her brass neck um er y’know dunno

tho’ I think if you were an actor

you’d get lots of roles as some bad dude

I left the picture there with her tho’ she said it was mine to go

but I couldn’t bring myself to park it on my wall

let others see me as she did or was it let me see it so?

how I remember these things

there was a worn carpet laid on bare boards

holding only the centre of the room

two chairs either side of the open fire

a sofa & a high table we sometimes ate at

curtained windows either end

that in winter had frost on the inside

my little room had cowboys on the paper

thick rough blankets & in winter coats piled on too

it is the biting cold I remember most

cold feet on cold floors cold coming in

cold going out cold weather cold people

cruel carers who took the money & ran

& these would steal my few toys for their kids

nothing stayed nothing stuck mother run away

father always absent a ghost figure tired pale

& I never knew from one day to next

would any of these be there when I got home

within the walls of this cold place of no food

always gut hungry for anything going

& now when they say you ever coming home?

I tell them I find the north too cold prefer the south

& they try to tell me I’m a too sensitive soul

but we know better I’m a soul with strong memories

remembers the cold remembers how it lingers on