in deep

primal instinct made me do it

there was no understanding

no verbalisation of thoughts

I was just not happy

& decided time to leave

it was then the shitstorm happened

going from hero to zero

worse

labelled as abusive violent angry

when but seconds before

all was supposedly sweet

except for the internal misquiet

misgivings causing discomfort

unknowing yet knowing

all was not quite what it seemed here

only at that point I had no idea

how painful the days nights to come

fighting off false accusations

just how do you prove something

that never happened?

flatter me

dress me up in pink

purple prose

tell me as a poet

I can hear see things

others don’t

which made perfect sense

at the time

of the turmoil I feel

out in the world

thinking my eyes

were just kinda

out of kilter

but no

you wanted something

your idea of loving

building me up

to take me down again

yeah

I saw that coming alright

Aw c’mon

I go see her now

taking in booze cigarettes

cupcakes & bottles of wine

to hide from her many nurses

we go back to when

she sat in her corner

holding court with her courtesans

sodomites sapphists hanging

on every wrought word

as she worked her way through them

those gentle girls reading english lit

wearing flowered Liberty rags

boys in tweed wanting love

at some point she will cackle

I love cock in the afternoon

quite forgetting I know this

having myself narrowly avoided

her rakish charmed bed

having heard this

too many times before

but pussy to go to sleep with

as she cackles I say aw c’mon

trying to hide the contraband

before her noise causes the nurse

to come in to investigate

throw me out

as the bad influence

to get by

some small town star

felt my arrogance

this will to improve

move on

create a better destiny

called me out as arrogant

& I knew in that instant

we would not get past this

this being

dislike disdain fear

I had no answer then

being only wanting

to get by get better

needing an education

training learning

prepared to soak up anything

more than I had

what they saw as arrogance

how dare I hold my own

be prepared to talk as equals

with they them those

who had already done

these things?

translation

I learned these skills early

you need to come to terms

take the lesson

move on

get to grips

for every door that closes

another opens

shit happens y’know

oh I don’t know about that

not my area of expertise

my remit

these things happen I guess

everything becomes clear in time

god sends our trials

karma I suppose

I learned early

to translate all these into

please just STFU ok?

evocation

walking under the trees

hearing the sighs of leaves

wondering on this feeling of sad

then remembering

this evocation

of my campsite under trees

three months in a tent

up in the morning

riding my Harley into the city

commuter fighting traffic

to work with people

who would not could not

talk to me

for some imagined sin

they never verbalised explained

had no need to hear me out for truth

giving the cold shoulder

silent treatment

from some inner higher moral ground

they paid me off eventually

& we were glad

to see the back of each other

I rarely think of them

& I’m guessing that’s mutual

except for now as I hear the wind

rustling sighing through the trees

passing through leaving no trace

until the day she didn’t

she loved me she said

until the day she didn’t

& me?

all I could was be there

before during & the after

watching her trying other men

who were once my friends

taking her on for a night

or two before

slipping her back into the sea

I think she thought

she was making a fool of me

but from my low viewpoint

as far as I could see

if somebody

was going to get bored

with this

it would not be me

so like the others

I was hungry

desperate

that I took a kind word

or two

a nice smile

went along with that

having found nothing better

& soon

she began using the L word

we were lovers sure

but was this Love?

then came needs demands ceremonies

meetings with families priests

& I rode along

like so many others

until the day

she asked

why so quiet?

cold?

I offered

I’m not entirely sure

how I got here

so like the others

she told me

I’d broken her heart

I’m still looking for mine I said

which only made that scene worse

ya win

in not one easy victory

some decisive battle

where you get the spoils

their history gets erased

ya win

by living going on

day by day

I think

of the handsome young men

the frail pretty girls

who ended their days

leaving those of us left

who endured

just endured

flying our freak flag

winning through with each breath

against the petty tryrants

lawyers cops teachers snitches bitches

pushing us into ready meals

stay at home soap watching drones

hustling conformity think the same

forcing us to shame

yeah you win

in not one easy victory

some decisive battle

but by keeping on keeping on

doing what you know

to be true for you