flowers

I’d ridden long hours

after work to get there

be together in the night with

saying our hello’s with kisses

my hands on her

feeling the wanting

then a stronger pulling away

easy now no need for hands

got said & we sat for a while

me looking her talking about her

the route life was taking her along

I got the hint got up

put on my helmet jacket & gloves

rode back to my farther side of town

got in poured a stiff one

let the phone ring long

picked it up later to hear

I’m sorry didn’t mean to drive you away

it’s ok I told her I’m sorry too

about being the wrong person for you

cut the call no need for long songs

the next day I sent flowers

because I wasn’t sorry at all for her

just for the hours lost

being the wrong person

in the wrong place wrong time

thinking hands on I’d felt something

had got that all wrong

there’d been no passion all along

easy company

I’d’ve had you

believe

I was tough enough

to live my time

alone

but no

a soft smile

sugar words

& I’d melt

everytime

all I needed

cold wanted

was a soft place

to rest my head

sparkle eyes

ears open

to receive

any & all of these

words

running through

my head

& I’d be

easy company

happy to forget

how I wanted

to live

be somebody

worth more

than these

the kite flyer

on my way home from school

saw the kite flyer

holding the edge of the park grass

tugging on the string

he caught my eye

y’want to have a go?

I let out more string

pulling to keep the kite high

unaware

he was leading me backwards

until I was caught

there in a deep doorway

he pressed in on me

wanting to touch something

his grip tight on my collar

holding me close

man I wriggled & twisted

caught sight of a passer-by

called out help! he won’t let me go!

& in a flash he was gone

the kite drifting away

just an empty space left

I ran on home told no one

understanding I’d been caught out

by my own sense of fun

& those years later

when the pub singer invited me in

for sure I could feel another trap closing

& knew better than be caught again

it was me

always moving away

for a job better money

cheaper place to live

to go back months later

to find they’d moved on

found someone better

who just might listen

it was me

working the late nights

hitting the books

trying for something more

than the shift job of chores

being no fun on a week night

having to work weekends

to play catch up on bills

it was me

finding notes letters

for someone else

phone messages

scrawls on mirror shelf

driving by seeing the kissing

coming home early

seeing her gone missing

& they’d tell me clear

it’s not you it’s me

& I’d try to believe

but if there was ever

a fool for trying

it was me

seafront sitting

watching people

as they come & go

dressed

for themselves

for sure

creating

their own show

none of that

snobbery stink

I too

am feeling content

couple of beers

hint of tequila

can make any day

anybody like that

but this is more

for sure

the sun creating heat

sparkling the waves

taking the background

aches & pains

away

while the sand

does nothing

but move slowly

along

echoes of Jill

those red painted talons

stringy hair blonde curls

making me think

of that other girl

& trying not to look

but wanting to see

the same shape & form

those legs that held me taut

I did not know then

she could not help herself

or help me in any way

all she had was herself

held against the world

another man at home

that modern life

& me?

I was just another lover

helping make her life liveable

a be discrete please

no fuss no mess

she did not love me

ever being just lonely

forever would be another

come & go part time lover

enjoying the red lipstick & nails

no thoughts from her head

cigarettes being the only thing

holding her up in her day today

history

I tell her stories

things that happened

long ago

in some hope

she understands

why this one

is like this

I see her listening

hear her

say nothing

& wonder

at the level

of understand

I guess stories

heard histories

of abuse

are difficult

to come to terms with

if nothing like these

ever happened

to you

& that’s why

we have empathy

even if

the telling

gets difficult

we hope the ears

are open

taking in

grains

of sand

trickled through

my hand

& when I tried

to gather them

up from the floor

their number

was not the same

either less

neither more

you were gone

no messages written

nothing on the phone

mirror or the wall

but your meaning

was clear

this was adios

an easy goodbye

final & through

don’t bother

in the trying to find

the sand

had trickled

through my hand

there’d be no gathering

neither or either

no adieu

but this is

the end

easier

life was easier then

I had certainties

in my mind

knew what was right

from wrong

then nuance

crept in

creating shades

grey from black

dirty ivory from white

wanted for me

a good woman

who knew the same

felt like me

heading into the light

life happened along

I found newer songs

ballads of red lights

ripped bed sheets

low rotten fights

& the certainties

I once held

fell to distance

leaving me

with questions

that could never

be answered

unless I took up again

those certainties I once had

she wants

next time she flies in

for us all to meet up

talk about her mother

who I knew long ago

had my thing with

because she has decided

she wants to know now

who her mother was

would like to hear

the stories legends myths

that made up her get go

& I find myself disinclined

the times I tried to talk

to the one flying in

she treated me as some joe

an idiot in the crowd

never bothered to find out

why this loser hung around

the eternal friend

though her mothers divorces

make up break up’s

wild horses of growing up

being ok to be back of house

not just another hand

held out wanting wanting

to take her time & money

a fair weather fiend

oh & it wasn’t her asking

just her ‘people’ don’t’cha know