had to look twice
check the memories
she was talking of BM’s
going for a peepee
like butter would not melt
in that once giving mouth
was this the same woman
that hot afternoon
cliff top overlooking the sea
going at it like wild tigers
free?
screaming my name
harder faster do it to me!
face twisted in passion
who later threw the tv
trashed the place in fury
but no
that was then
this is now
the caterpillar has pupated
to deliver this soft mouthed creature
no longer a wild tiger
free
in my troubled teens people tried to reach me
the one I remember most my English teacher Mr. Adams
who got permission to take me out of school
for a day to go walking me & him & his dog
walking the trails where he lived
& he tried all casual to talk me out
though the closer he got the more I shut up
he did all the usual tricks of just between you & me
what you say here goes nowhere
what he did not know for certain but wanted to
was to know the violence the shit at home
& telling that would only lead to more or worse
tears fights recriminations put in a kids home being fostered
because for sure there was nobody else to take me in
where my strategy was hanging on to get to an age to leave
just GTFO & go live somewhere miles away
so in silence we walked with the dog along the trails
listening to the birds checking out this beautiful day
in another’s footsteps
walking these green hills
feeling the bumps
buildings abandoned
aeons ago
there the stock fence
here where we hunted then
ochre sand desert
sepia & dull green sage
crunching noises underfoot
here where we came
looking through those eyes
used to green finding bright
scarce water thirst the day
in another’s footsteps
here where my ancestors lay
wind through the trees
ruffling your hair
blowing grit
into my eyes
talking difficult words
explaining divergence
parting of our ways
not through lack
distance or care
just just
the words falling away
our paths
just just
mine going this way
& yours
not with mine
as the wind waved branches
just passing through
holding onto nothing
yet creating commotion
there are guides
will take your money
as people will
for anything
offering themselves
as leaders in the lore
wanting followers in their wake
when all you need do
is sit
observe
watch the world
wait for the patterns to form
see the unseen
let all of that
come to you
for you to be
rather than
put your pennies down
be told
how to do
seemed everything they said was a lie, that was my seeing of adults as a kid.
I’ll take you fishing they’d say & then they never did. Our neighbour took me fishing once & bored I wandered away along the river bank which scared the crap out of him.
We’ll go again he said but the next time he took my old man & not me, which was what always happened, I’ll buy you an ice cream, we’ll go to the beach, we’ll go on the rides and…yeah we’d be at the beach but they’d be at the bar drinking while I skulked the shore alone again.
& stuff disappeared the whole time, toys, chocolate, presents, just stuff. They’d tell me that I’d lost it, broken it, eaten it all in one go, but I knew that was untrue. Like I had a money bank shape of a head, put in a coin in the hand flip the lever & it’d put the penny in the mouth. Gone one day & I was told that I’d given it away. Couple of years later I found it sitting in a cupboard at my uncle’s place, oh no they said that’s a different thing. But I knew. I knew.
This was how I learned not to trust adults, to trust anybody, ‘cos kids fuck each other over constantly, always looking for an edge, I got more than you, I get better grades, my dad earns more, our house is bigger, we got a better tv.
So not only was I not comfortable or safe at home, the world was unsafe &
uncomfortable too. & Then they, my folks had the nerve, the balls to question my attitude.
Better still, years later they claimed to not understand why I’d moved so far away from them
I had the blues
the real bad kind
where the panic sets in
there behind the eyes
the sad thoughts
is it to be this time?
& the man will offer pills
to take it all away
& I say
listen man you don’t understand
this is how it is now & then
I know this will pass
but if you got something
like the giggle pills
I had as a kid?
& the man he says
we don’t offer that kind
which right now
I feel to be a poor business
nobody wants it told
straight
you don’t care
& the truth of that
stung
after a while
having convinced myself
the ladies coming & going
never hanging on for long
was just
my freewheeling lifestyle
I could even try now
explaining to you
it was all just
the fuzz in my head then
got in the way
of not being loving
caring enough
to find a keeper
& maybe
just maybe
kindness is not enough
in any crowd hanging on
there is always one
& this’un
kept calling me numb nuts
with the eyes kept begging
me to ask the why
I bided my time
‘til I felt fresh enough
called him out on his line
it’s ‘cos you got this dead face
don’t ever respond
to whatever I say
y’ever thought? I gave
that you come out with such shit
givin’ out a bunch of lies
that I keep a straight face
to save
laughing right out loud
at you?
I kept the dead face
except the eyes
staring into his
wonderin’ if we’d be rolling
fighting there on the ground
yeah ok he said
another day eh?
& BTW its your round
I had my freak head on
walking the street paisley shirt
just doing my thing
while the straights purple jeans
did the double take
wondering just wtf red doc’ martens
was happening here
& it was nuthin’ man straw field hat
just a stray cat rollin’ on
thinking things sunnies shading eyes
& laughing
out loud at the world mind in the right place
not fearing the void
neilbenbow 