nothing to be said
holding the feeling
of my body wrecked inside
visceral real
pain down to my soul
you were leaving
another one gone
again
to start over
but maybe not
for a little long while
& those little bombs
you leave behind
under the bed
in forgotten corners
set to remind me
over again
there was a list
lying there beside her
some points heavy underscored
a lengthy litany of my faults
things I had done wrong
done to her peace of mind
over our time together
& I was expecting some
which never came
others thrown unexpected
fleeting out of the dark
some I had no defence
those that needed none
amongst these
that I had burned a candle
meant to have been decoration
brightening up the room
left me with little to say
except an itch on the tongue
knowing humour here
would not save the day
like the candle
all was burned down
to the stub
the last time we ever spoke
there in the street
she was pushing her baby along
fumbling I said hello
as the last time before that
had not been kind & I wanted to say
pleased you’ve moved on
doing better things
instead said
hope your life is ok now
she smiled I’m ok
uncomfortable on her feet
yeah me too I offered & walked on
though the truth of that exchange
is I did not leave her by the river
carried her all this way until today
but maybe now is the last time
I can let her go
all I heard…
lets go shopping
buy you some new threads
everything you got
is black or white or dark
your words
have been getting
kinda serious down lately
don’ch’ya ever write light?
& all I heard….
you need a haircut
haven’t you shaved yet?
you’re looking sloppy
these days
& all I heard….
was
one of us
was not ok with
the other
chrome & paint long with fins
we were six or seven
& Paul’s uncle had this car
all chrome & paint long with fins
we’d push open the quarterlight
go sit in it waggling the steering wheel
making vroom vroom noises
as kids do
& the uncle would come out to us
get out of my car you little shits!
but we knew he wasn’t really angry
‘cos he’d throw coins at us to go away
the way Paul told it his uncle was married
but not to the woman who’s house the car was at
Paul was under orders to never say
where when or if he ever saw his uncle
& as a swap we got to sit in his classic car
all chrome & paint long with fins
pretend to drive
life was sweet
even if we never understood the strange rules
of adults
a little letter in the post
hi a friend gave me your address
said you might help me out
as I’m flat broke
but I can write dirty stories
you tell me your interests
& I’ll write back to you
regards Felicia
so I sent her a five
no indication of interests
I’m not that big of a fool
thinking what the hell
it’s a five
lets see what she writes
a letter came back
full of what she’d do to me
with her sister & maybe a friend
all miserable flat line sordid stuff
no lust no love no light no shade
lifted straight out of a 70’s soft porn mag
I didn’t send any more cash
any hints on cleaning up her prose
suggestion in writing a better line
as
I’m not that big of a fool
dragged to an art show
some friend of hers
looking at oils pastel daubs
sipping warm white wine
when I felt a pair of eyes
locked into mine
the face was familiar
the body shape I knew
though the look on that face
told me more than
right now I wanted to
I had to dredge for memory
think back a while
she was my lover once
that I let go
for some reason to her
possibly trivial
that I couldn’t remember
right now
& for some other reason
I felt it was time
for me to blow
oh she caught me
almost every night
& I thought I was making waves
doing what I could
make everything right
getting my grades
paying rent on time
I was aiming to be
the sensible better man
‘til Tinkerbelle caught me
threw most everything away
not that I was fighting much
a man takes fun in places
wherever he can
just to feel the let go
& I had to be the one
say I love you Tinkerbelle
but you’re the one
stopping the show
if I let you stay
you’ll drag me back to the place
where I had nothing
but pain
hasta luego mi amor
vaya con dios
uncle jim I never saw
except as a male figure
in his car
sat outside our house
whenever aunt frances came
she of the wobbly front tooth
& disdain for us step kids
or when we visited her
the faint sounds of his radio
from another room
I never understood why
he would not grace us
with his presence
& now
I am becoming uncle jim
sat outside in the car
listening to the radio
while she visits her family
because if I go in
there will be a row a fight
unpleasant words need be said
to unpleasant people
so I sit outside
in peace in quiet
& wait patiently
is all that was
sure we painted it
all up & gussy
slapped labels on
called these acts
one night stands
fleeting encounters
love
make it seem pretty
fooling ourselves
each other
but in the mornin’
end of the night
it was nothin’
more than
ruttin’
neilbenbow 