they wanted me to tell them
how hard things had been
since you & me split
the sorrows
you put me through
& if I opened up I knew
they’d go straight round
go see you
& how you could all laugh
at my misfortunes
my sorrows
but all of that only made me
realise I would never be
as sad as you
such a sweety
could not fail to fall
for those eyes & curves
but the mind hers & mine
got in between
any & all of that
she was risk averse
& me phone home
am always risk prone
take her to the country
dirt roads muddy unkind
the beach was unswept
the sea had dangers unseen
in the city were horrors
around every corner
I left her one night
coddled in her blankets
walked back alone
living with the night crawlers
hiding from the street lights
spidey senses tingling
yeah I was amongst mine
creatures of shadows & living
unafraid for a life misunderstood
these boys she’d introduce
come to dinner
we’re having a party
& the odd one’d be a looker
another had interesting things
to report retort try to say
he’d learned along the way
& I’d see her looking over
listening in to my boredom
these kept inside cats
purring for her love
I knew she’d soon take away
there was always another lover
she was bright flighty clever
&
none of these
if I stop paying attention
get caught by
the news on tv
pulp magazines
adverts for nothing I need
I feel something moving
across my mind
undefined
just a sense ill ease
something wrong
& I have to reset refocus
take a deep breath
clean my thinking
go out again find fresh air
see the world as it really is
not this pit of despair
of rotted pictures
corrupted images
forcing my attitudes mind
onto wrong roads
towards decline
I was gone
moving on
from that place we worked
for so many years
where she did too
I have never been back
being there before her
she stayed there
after I’d moved on
never kept in touch
with those people
I spent all those years with
& they never came to find
after she’d ripped me
totally apart
maybe just maybe
she lied to them too
kept them in the dark
killed me off
so they never wanted
to speak again
I went to visit
one of the few last times
before he was gone
we had a drink in his local
where he swore he never went
tho’ they knew him by name
& on the second
mebbe the third drink
acknowledging one of us
had become a better man
I raised my glass
said
biggest favour I ever did you
was doing my growing up years
far away from here
& he smiled
took a second maybe to think
he’d thought he’d got rid of me
in those years
then tapped his glass against mine
& smiled
for a man of few words
I knew he was doing the best
he can
can you help out? I got a situation
sure I say I got a shovel big plastic wrap
know a good spot up in the woods
no! he snaps don’t be a fool!
y’know yer man does the leatherwork?
your best mate? you put me on to?
well he’s not come through
took my money & not made my wallet
can you help out?
I’m not much good with hides I say
though I have given it my awl….
ffs! I’m serious been a couple of months
& all he does is say not ready yet
just how do you think I can help?
can you talk to him give him a hurry along?
& this is serious now more profound
than a shovel plastic wrap long night in the woods
getting involved between people over shit
ok ok I’ll see what I can do but before that
you are a grown-up who should know
not to give money up front to a broke person
you only pay when the job is done capiche?
yeah yeah he says & of the kind of people
who never change their ways
this is only one
any organisation I ever worked for
got paid to turn up to
would try to kill me with the bullshit
oh the job would be ok
the actual nuts & bolts of the work
but man the politix around that
was always a kick in the balls
numbing punches to the head
certain people couldn’t do certain things
& the rest of us had to pick up the slack
carry that resentful weight
be careful around so n so
don’t talk about this mention these things
the endless pulls to send others to Coventry
people I could see had done nothing wrong
the campaigns to lose people their jobs
back biting hate spite petty jealousies
until I’d be the loner the island
understanding they were so bored
with themselves their own lives
seeking status outside of themselves
those building blocks of insecurities
oh he thinks he’s better than us
& yeah I am by keeping out of this
I just wasn’t built your way
his yellow sandstone house
there on the sea shore
& I swear I saw
a great grey burro head
as in bill shakespeares
mid summers nights dream
go by the leaded window
& I wanted to knock soft
there on the door
to be invited in
but I was hungry then
would have eaten for three
drunk anything to be drunk
& still have needed more
& in later times he told me
I was always welcome
if passing by to knock
there was always time for me
& tho’ I felt him to be genuine
I knew for certain
he would never pass by
knock on my door
because he was not hungry
or thirsty for anything from me
I got one of those faces
or just maybe that I listen
Ger’ was telling me of his priest
his relationship with
when he was twelve thirteen
how the father would allow him privileges
one being to inject the man with insulin
& I thought my ears were playing up
but no Ger’ repeated it
this feels abusive I tell him
oh no says Ger’ it was a privilege
I was serving helping the priest
& that I didn’t understand
he was right of course
I guess I got one of those faces
ways of seeing things
where I am the one
always wrong
neilbenbow 