this self loathing

this self loathing

low as a snake belly in the dust

the things lovers say in the night

jilted staring into the abyss

take me back & I will

do anything you ask me to

crawling lower than any animal can

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear never argue

will do anything you ask me to

accept your lovers the drinking

fighting the drugs stealing my cash

put up with the whole weary way

the mess you bring into my life

broken windows holes in the walls

dead cars abandoned in crashes

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear by this night

to do anything you ask me to

just please don’t leave me alone

as the phone rang

can’t even tell you now

what the fuss was about

we were at her friends’ place

said we’d babysit their kids

stay in the spare room

Saturday night sucking on red wine

just talking no tv just the radio

& something went awry

I misspoke said something wrong

hell got let loose world war times 3

with no way back in the face of fire

the only course of action

seemed to me for overreaction

was to get up to go

& that was even worse

how dare I leave her alone in this place?

I made the door found the breath

take the long walk home

opened my own door

found a cold beer waiting

sat in the chair breathing deep

thinking simple thoughts

I’d had enough crazies

never ever wanted another

as the phone rang

rang rang rang

cowards I tell ya

we are all cowards

from the off

the starting line

wanting to put down

will tell you straight

our souls

deepest feelings

& end up half hearted

afraid to write the whole truth

for censorship cowardice

of our selves

so we write out a whine

that is as close

to our truths

as a supermarket list

to what we eventually bring home

must we? I said

lets talk about sex

must we? I said

closing down the tv

thinking

sober?

she wants this talk sober?

ok ok your initiative

you begin

well y’know when you

do that thing

I’d like it like…

like what?

y’know better

how would be better?

& I’m asking straight

in the spirit of inquiry

oh you

you know what I mean

I’m not sure I do

I do this because you like it

you’ve told me so

but now?

I knew this would be difficult

all I’m asking is

can you do it better please?

ok ok I’ll give that a shot

& you

you know that thing you won’t do…

I

AM NOT

HAVING THAT CONVERSATION

ok ok I just thought y’know

as we were talking

of doing better things…

& even if I went there

I did not know any other way to be

no clues ideas inspiration

all support had dried away

& even if I went there

they too

had no other clues to give

I needed to change

change my life change me

without knowing

where I was heading

the route plan map to be

so I stopped dead

in whatever I was doing

got down to the basics

eating sleeping reading

noticing the world as it is

began building things in again

& if they did not work

help create a better day

dropped them quick

a long series of start stops

learning everyday

mistakes mishaps

which as you might gather

is still going on today

into

tight & tighter

so many jams

tight corners

that I’d talked my way

into

finding myself caught up

again & again

trying to find new ways

to be

& to create

a decent way out

without hurting people

meant I ended up

hurting me

that’s the problem with people

they’ll happily watch

as you trap yourself

stand idle by & giggle

as you flail

your way out

& how do you feel about that?

pushed way down

& how do you feel about that?

to say those feelings

were pushed way down

some long while ago

for a reason

the hurt the pain the truth

how easy this heart is

to be pushed around

a pretty face pretty smile

nice words pretending kind

enough to manipulate my mind

embarrassment of being a fool

caught on such little bait

yeah I pushed them way down

for fear of being nothing

just another clown

for not learning the lesson

the first time

smile wide as the sky

she liked me lots

she said

smile wide as the sky

‘cos I smelled like trouble

& while

I was checking my ‘pits

she refilled from the bottle

& I fell down into a hole

coming up for air

noticing she wasn’t around

started heading for home

once more all alone

thinking on the night

pitch black swallowing me

all the way down

thinking if I don’t learn

something from this

trouble

will be her name

all over again

fill your role be no other

we met once a week

cash going one way

while I talked of life love

anything other

giving up what I could

without ever breaking cover

for who she saw me as

& came the time to go

there was no hint of sadness

sighs smiles or sorrow

except a hint of regret

to who would fill my shoes

take up the appointment

be handing good money over

create the moving picture show

out of the company

couple of years

worked in a refined place

or so they said it was

to push you to like the place

everything & everybody

were equal to another

though of course

you know that to be a lie

the infighting unspoken feuds

in crowd out crowd cliques

I left after a while

finding something other to do

got out of that company

& into the company of men

to find that hard going at first

having my balloon popped

conceptions pretensions tested

there at every turn by jokes

digs piss take laughter

until my skin grew harder

I found who I was again

the stranger part of this

the bit that gets mostly forgotten

was the ferocious gentility of care

when necessary needed

that drove the company on