survivors know

of all the things they ever did

tried to do

the most vicious

pernicious

was to try & convince me

the world

that I was crazy

the mad kid

warped

which of course I was

trauma creates psychology

what I needed was a bit more care

more love for a while

not the accusation of crazy

& all that did

was to make me stronger

I knew

I wasn’t howling at the moon

twisted in my thinking

it was them being cruel

sadistic in their days

trying to convince me

their behaviours were normality

& I wasn’t taking my cues

from breakfast adverts on tv

but from how my friends were treated

in their homes

things their parents did

while my mine cried I lied

about everything

to hide their own inadequacies

shade the traces

& they wonder now

how I don’t trust them

take their words as solid

the man had reasons

enough to fill any hole

& I admit I tried for a while

to knock every one in

until I gave that up too

indolence is an infectious dis ease

his mother lived in France

middle of nowhere

needed people to go do

clear up clear outs

& i lit a bonfire or two

helped plug a gap

while he sat thousands away

dripping onto the wires

he wanted to do this

his if onlys filled the air

he hadn’t the money

to make the journey

& I was living on fumes

but made the distance

did what I could

while he sat on shoulds

some coulds

but none of I wills

outsider in the dark

there is joy

to be had

living outside the tribe

in the distance a cocked eyebrow

can bring

soft smile on the lips

at the antics

at those performing for each other

reinforcing the control lines

chocking up the norms

that distance too

sees the kinship

grouping together as friends

family lines

the warmth in huddling together

against the cold

as you shiver in your blanket

the watcher

outsider in the dark

all anybody will say

ever wants to do

is just

to make their life interesting

surround themselves with

nice things creating ease

good people happy times

but all of that gets distorted

by mistakes

mistaken people

taking the side track

easy route

addictions

to the tv

the booze

drugs

the drama

thinking these help

aid the good times

worse later

you find yourself

caught up in the drama

looking for the next fix

no effort entertainment

buzz of fake excitement

when all you wanted

was ease

good people good times

& now there are no signs showing

to back

where you wanted to be

free clinic

the free clinic is still there

last time I bothered to look in

the free stores are long gone

though the high end tat shops

selling the hippie shit hang in

while the desperate kids

still parade their dogs

looking in the boxes outside stores

for free food potatoes yams

last time I looked in

Emmett is long gone

to the needle & the spoon

while Coyote is still living

telling the truth denying the dream

that hindsight layers on

those times will never return

& you know full

our governments

will make sure of that

they come to you

like butter would not melt

in those oh so sweet mouths

to leave

screaming & kicking

spitballs of rage

to later call

I do wonder how you are these days

like they left no scars

wounds that have barely healed

I’m ok you say

not wanting to give anything away

then soft with a hint of steel

I hear you’re dating that blonde…?

& you? I go

you seeing mr right?

& the tone changes

like they want to forget

it was they who put the cuts in

created the scars on the heart

yeah you always bounce back don’t you

putting the phone down with a click

I guess she feels she scored somethin’ there

but me I gotta go lie down

feeling a little sick

turning the phone off the music up

a man has to have something

he can rely on

prisoner

the dream was of some northern gulag

guards who didn’t speak a word

tight small shitty cells

death scrawls on the walls

then an open space I could see the sky

plot an escape

though I never did

reckoning the odds were against me

making the border

& when I awoke

I firmly understood the significance

I am my own prisoner

guards too

there are things I will do

things I won’t

I stop my own adventures

before they even begin

the choices I make without thinking

no words or gestures necessary

to keep me prisoner

behind invisible bars

& there will be no escape

we were listening to music

doing the things new lovers do

as stones railed against the windows

I looked furtively out corner of the glass

as she screeched I see you you bastard!

erm things are gonna get complicated I muttered

just stay low

just go see what the mad bitch wants

she said

while I put on a coat & smile

closing the door behind me

so’s she could not slip by

what do you want? I asked all low

I fucking hate you she cried

grabbing my arms to shake me

I slipped aside her hands her punches

this is over has been for some time

why now? why tonight?

as she sat on the road

collapsed into sobs

this this is what you’ve reduced me to

I know your new bitch is upstairs

were you fucking her?

did I get in the way?

look there she is! fuck you!

fuck you! fuck you!

shit she’d decided to take a peek

there in the window outlined light behind her

I’ve got to go & so do you I said

I’ll kill myself! I’ll do it just you see!

& there is no sadness compares to those words

I didn’t want her to do that

nobody does

but knew it was out of my hands

& the reasons for us being over

were only compounded by this latest drama

go home I said get some sleep

I’ll talk to you tomorrow

fuck you I’ll be dead! she cried loud

as I walked

backed away

this was a drama in which

I did not want to see

the third act

Honi soit qui mal y pense

the air was thick with it

flying words accusations

& I was finding it hard

to understand

maybe even justify

me

was I this shit horrible person

to even say those things

they said I said?

they were certainly angry

with the spittle of convictions

so I threw in

Honi soit qui mal y pense

evil belongs to they who think it

& ran as they exploded

fireworks in the night

there is no reasoning

with those who feel they hold

the right

to attack

because they hold feelings

yeah that regrets thing

there are very few loves I really regret

we’ve all done the crazy people stuff

counted those as steeper learning curves

not to ever do again

but Zoe

I regretted Zoe as soon as we were done

we’d dated a few times I liked her

she seemed to be liking me

& then one night after drinks good times

I fucked it all by fucking her

not one of my more successful sessions

more fumbles half conversations

halfs of is this working?

& afterwards all I felt was low

she was quiet lying back smiling

as it dawned I was her first time

we had made no ceremony of this

& then there was the morning after pill

she needed to go do that

wanted a post mortem later

on us our relationship

where we were going

suddenly all I felt was sordid

all I had were regrets

recognising there was a mismatch

expectations lives lived lovers ways

& none of this could go back in the box

without torn corners tears recriminations

I had in my clumsiness of assumptions

hurt a good person

in not being a fully serious person