shoulda

shoulda

known better

I picked her up

late in the night

rescued like a kitten

from a bad situation

fed & clothed her

put a roof over

tried to do things right

but you & I know

how things start

is how things end

I became the wrong guy

sure enough

came the time

tough guy standing

come asking for her

to take her away

rescue poor kitten

from a bad situation

I did not stand

in her way

helped her find things

pack more bags

than she came with

help her on her way

guess I shoulda known

she nor me

was born to stay

come the time

they’ve gone

whoever that was

taking everything with

except for me here

sitting breathing

holding on

knowing full well

all must pass

come the time

I can get up again

leave this chair

do something more

than just breathing

hoping & wanting

for the next breath

another chance

at finding peace

within & without

where now

come the time

I’m sitting breathing

holding hard

to just let go

uh hey

he calls my name

there on the street

we’d walked

right past him

not recognised

but no

now

we have to say hello

hows things?

& I have some ideas

on who

I was back then

the why

I’d let this one go

tho’ he appears

not to show

any issue with that

pleasantries done

avoiding specifics

phone numbers

where to find

we turn to go

feet & head

heavier

people y‘know

are such a blow

those kind

will not

just let go

down

I’d put it down

it being

most everything

of that shit time

those awful

terrible days

being gaslit

abused

beaten

isolated

as a child

nowhere

to turn to

or away from

tortured

by the hands

that should’ve

fed me

held me

care & loved

me

but never did

& when I tried

back then

to call a ceasefire

tell on what was

to be branded

a liar

was the worst of it

turning stale

I go see ‘em

an old invitation

turning stale

so I go

see how they be

& they got the tv

going on loud

I’m starting to choke

shouting over

no offer of drinks

thinking man

this stinks

so I stand there

in front of the box

‘cos everytime I spoke

their attention

was on the screen

I could see ‘em

peering

between my legs

trying to see

what was going on

daytime tv soaps

time to go i said

they stood

to say goodbye

before I was gone

they were sat again

fixin’ their daily dope

eh?

the things

you write about

not pulling your punches

eh? she says

& I drop in

the easy lie

nope I hope

to put down

everything & anything

that matters to me

& that is not

an easy lie

the things I hide

the weight I carry

create

by not speaking of

the things

hurt & created me

that I don’t talk of

now or

any other day

understanding

from experience

those things

will & would

be used against me

on another day

or gossiped about

to better understand me

but never in a good way

eh?

evenings

I’d be listening

playing satie

on the music system

my pride & joy sounds

paid by

over a thousand down

fluttering the equaliser

waiting around

just to see

if she might

come round

what mood she’d be in

other than vodka hungry

angry at the world

pleased to see me again

or feeling forced

to be here

nobody nowhere

else to go to

& fool that I was

I’d open the door

wait to see wait to find

take whatever she had

just to stop

the feeling blue

those four walls without a view

evenings stretching to night

nothin’ else for this poor boy

to do

going in

I knew they’d play the honesty card

what we’re here to do

is to understand what happened

ok?

like we didn’t know

there’d been a meeting before this one

roles & plays plotted

to see if I might fold

sure sure I’d say

you tell me what you think happened

& they’d look at each other

well….there is this complaint

& your investigations? I’d ask next

push for them to show any cards they got

I knew from the off they wanted to fire me

but had to follow protocol

I haven’t seen those results would come next

& we’d have to postpone for a week maybe two

while I got to read those papers

take advice phone a friend you know the deal

but I figured if they were

going to be dishonest & play the honesty card

there would be two players sitting down

playing the game hard

& while I hated the job the people I worked with

I needed the money the time to get set

& move on

if they really wanted me gone I’d take cash anytime

pick up my shoes & be gone

for my spends

take every

last thing

my clothes my music

books on the shelf

money meant for me

& go spend it all

give it all away

be the big spender

leaving nothing

for my spends

do your best

to forget

you stole it all

whitewash yourself

memory hole

anything just might

relate to me

all I can hope

sometime

that may never come

in the longest night

you might think

were you wright

or were you wrong

to take everything

leaving nothing

to those

who did no harm to you

but call you brother

back along

cut out

I got cut out

of the will

the house

my father had built up

but he died first

& my stepmother

when she died

managed to fuck me over

one last time

left everything

to her son

& I’m trying

to not find the bitter

get over hurt

like I didn’t know

how that whole shit show

was going to end

& my girl asks

how’re you doing?

she stayed true

I say slow

in her going

she managed

to not look after me

like she did not

could not

would not

in her living years

consistency eh?