maundering

she was maundering in my ear

night after night

daytimes just for the hell of it

wanted out of that city

wanted by the seaside

in truth she really wanted

to leave me

& my ear was catching that

if not the words of it

some sense she’d go missing

during the shift

I paid a guy a hundred or so

to move our shit

throwing in the typer

her clothes my rags

him asking is this it?

looking at the furniture

kitchen bathroom bedroom

yeah man I got the important

to arrive start over again

& yes

she never quite got there

but I had the important

eh?

has gone

he doesn’t visit no more

she tells people

I don’t understand why

when what she means

she lost an audience

someone to sit quiet

listen to the nonsense

spaffing from her mouth

though she knows well

I just got tired of the abuse

the snide sideways comments

back handed sly insults

the time for letting that go on

has gone

& of course her phone

does not work to call me

to say please

come visit

ever

lost him somewhere

I lost him somewhere

not to the drink

the drugs thing

he buys things now

got 2

3 of things he likes

he was gonna go out

buy some land

build his dreams

now when I go

I manoeuvre thru’

piles of junk he loves

can’t bear to part with

if it breaks he replaces

lets the busted sit

his archive he calls it

& one day

when the piles collapse

I will

truly lose him

tell ‘em nothin’

should you care about

what others think about you

read on:

tell ‘em nothin’

else they will try you

& make everything

up anyways

if they guess you’re

trying for patience

they will try you

some internal court of law

gives permission

to set up the trials

much as

you’re going for integrity

this deaf panel sits

makes up your crimes

twists circumstances

to fit

so tell ‘em nothing

only sit & watch

see what guilt

they try to pin on you

anyway

if only I could find the right tools

looking in the mirror

it was my turn

& I noticed this one grey hair

there on my chest

thinking wtf man?

this was not meant to happen

those cold rooms where I sat

eyeing the blades

bottles of pills

the cowardice I held close

always having somebody

end of a wire

to come rescue me

from that sorry hole of self pity

I did not know it then

I was but just terminally bored

not understanding

I could dig myself out

if only I could find the right tools

& now there is grey chest hair

where surely there will be

more to follow

much like the days that came after

then

today

don’t mean

when I say

I can’t listen

it don’t mean

I don’t care

just today

what you got to say

is more than

this tired aching

head can bear

mebbe tomorrow

there’ll be space

time to hear

but if I walk away today

don’t mean

I don’t care

just you’re asking me

for far too much

again

today

all about the place

I’ve stopped

looked around

just said NO

ridden on five miles

a hundred miles

until the world

offered me

the right place

that felt right

some connection

between sky

the land

where

I could lay my head

get enough sleep

to move on

to another place

could try again

the juice

has to have a punt

is one of the things they taught me

I found them pushing

a supermarket trolley full of booze

different types of bottles

colours labels tops

we’re laying in party supplies

you are invited

please give us a hand

later we sat around

drinking through the cache

while they talked of reds whites

appellation contrôlée domaine

how to buy good cheap booze

the vin du pays

if its cheap look for the punt

flat bottom bottles are not good

but if you look in the discount section

you know it’s a winner

got that indent the punt

which at the time seemed to me

a different slant on drinking

new way to look at the juice

kinda spent

we were kinda friends

meeting up from time to time

not always lovers

but not always not

then she met me

when I was with a new friend

the evening grew on us

we went back to mine

where the booze

is always cheaper for crowds

when she said

shall we have a threesome?

my new friend said ok

so I did too

then

I lay there for a long while

while they worked at their friendship

I got up found more drinks

not even bothered to watch the show

after a while they invited me in

its ok I answered

but no

I feel somehow kinda

spent

recognised

beaker people

were

are my people

we wandered

looked over

drinking the fermented

mushrooms fly agaric

travelling around through

we saw

recognised

felt the earth swim

move

felt our place

in space

time