if anything
I remember
her smell
taste of her lips
when we met
& her complaint
that all I did
was grind along
as if
that were my choice
& if anything
she gave no clues
strong hint of direction
how to do
anything
else
if anything
I remember
her smell
taste of her lips
when we met
& her complaint
that all I did
was grind along
as if
that were my choice
& if anything
she gave no clues
strong hint of direction
how to do
anything
else
I took the longest time
coming in from the cold
avoiding people
interactions the places
people go to meet
not quite getting the signals
misunderstanding the simple
it seemed there was a code
everybody else had clues to
& I didn’t have the key
I tried beyond anything
those around me knew
my mewlings seemed another
language dialect speech pattern
nobody had any idea to what
I was rambling on about
so again I withdrew
& I’m still trying to come in
out of the cold slow unsteady
pushing on only too aware
I’m not there yet
American breakfast
there at the ihop
just off’f the strip
as the pancakes came
commotion at the stop light
big window framing
boy dragging high yellow girl
out of a cab
reaching for her clutch bag
giving her a slight back hand
tears angry words then kisses
they came in eyes all around
staring them down
she all pretty smiles soft talking
him money in hand sitting back
grinning king for the day
full of yeah baby whatever you says
counting cash under the table
we’ll eat then get you fixed
me looking on
this hopper photo play
thinking whatever last night was
is gone
today is a new day
for these cats
to do over again
I loved her once
well
more than a few times
would have continued on for more
but
felt none of my efforts meant anything
& if we meet now
she acts as if none of that happened
which I guess only confirms
the truth in all of that pit of feelings
I find no fault in myself in this
at least I tried gave up what I could
& if none of that was enough
she had a voice
enough for the action to happen
if not to gain
satisfaction
I could handle being a side man
back then
loving the ladies then sending them home
but it’s a condition all side men eventually
suffer from
wanting to be the man centre stage
fronting the band leading the show
3 married blondes in a row
eventually killed the gig
felt very much like they
were passing this old boy around
no crises
long thoughts on the morality of it all
just a tiredness of juggling other people
their sad lives
providing comfort
backing
to other men’s wives
I had an old music player
the same old seven vinyl albums
I played over over
that & a radio needing batteries
more often than I had them
& books
these came from the library
or there were a couple of bookstores
offering a two for one deal
I’d pick up unreads from friends
any old shit they hated discarded
such were my evenings
sat in my worn dumpster chair
pen notebook close to hand
reading with the music soft
in case the phone rang
it never did
or the door got knocked
that seldom happened
no tv no booze no women
there were a few times these turned up
good women who appeared disappeared
to sneer at the lack of furnishing
complain about the empty fridge
mouldy cheese bread & who needs butter anyway?
they would want to improve the place
& later try the same for me
new sheets curtains a towelling bath mat
these of course lasted longer
than any of them ever did
they’d complain I wasn’t the marrying kind
huff & puff slam the door be gone
the problem being I didn’t understand then
what the problem with me
was
me
mrs shepherd would come see me
bring a mars bar
to listen she said
to anything I might want to say
faint hopes wishes dreams
as we sipped cooling tea
smoked cigarettes
bringing to mind
the kind ladies over the years
who fed me biscuits stale cake
a sofa to sleep on
when they found me on cold nights
after I’d run away
again
these too would offer a smile
wish me well as I left
all hopes for the future
shining through the worn edge
of their kindness
slowing my runaway train
of bleak sadness
here’s to you
the mrs. shepherds
thank you
sitting here no money
hoping you are not alone
looking out over these rooftops
hoping for a light a sign
I know clear when you’re lost
you can always turn around
retrace the steps you took
but to go back
to a place you once lived
is like the mythical river
putting your toe in deep
not the same water flowing
different time different zone
no love you are not alone
though tonight you may not have
company
through the border into spain
mid morning over the pyrenees
the hog growling off rock walls
all I heard was wind & purring
enjoying leaning the curves
then suddenly
cars across the road
machine guns being waved
we were stopped dead
a hand demanding papers
in that universal sign language
we took our helmets off
they saw the blonde
& everything changed
as that always does
they waved us on
later that day on the news
we saw the big story of the day
they’d picked up an ETA fella
being moved over the mountains
back of a Yamaha
that being how they do these things
these days
the room was ok
not too hot in summer
none too cold in winter
a drowsy bed hollowed by bodies
hundreds thousands of nights
the door had a lock a good foot could kill
but we made sure everybody knew
there was nothing of value to be had
which there wasn’t
a few t shirts pants shirts socks coat
text books dog eared & coffee stained
my old red radio needing batteries
& if I was lucky a couple of tins a loaf
who needed butter salt n pepper?
pads of paper with scribbles even i
struggled to decipher read ever again
but the view saved the grey of the place
rooftops across the city chimney pots
aerials flat roofs gables windows
lights at night throwing shadows
as I sat dreaming of Spain France California
better days to come