we
everybody
you have ever known
are all
renters
nothing you think you own
have surrounding you now
will go with you
when you do go
your house your books
furniture music collection
will stay here
will be used by others
given to thrift
sold at auction
passed on to family members
may be even trashed as worth nothing
so I’d recommend
you love all of this while you can
renter
x
there was something
matisse
about her
& me too
which is why
I guess
we had atttractions
the too dark hair
eyes
not knowing clear
our fathers
mothers
any family for that matter
she had details
on her adoptives
their lack of sex life
which I felt
as too much information
meant their need to adopt
of her & her sister
from another mother father
which helped her
understand my people
we were just
one matisse finding another
kind of girl
your mother warned against
which only
made her them more attractive
the type
who would do the things you wanted
& had ideas
of their very very twisted own
we had family lunch
one long summer afternoon
& as mother left
she was waving goodbye
out the window
c’mon she said do me now
as I too waved goodbye
feeling the excitement & lust
transgression
of being in my lover
waving goodbye to mother
oh so fine & sweet a sin
so rare to find
looking today along the shelf
finding a dusted book
I’d read so long ago
her inscription inside fly leaf
inspired me to wonder on her
did she ever get to understand
that I was not her enemy?
& just how long did it take
for her coven of haters
to disband?
because y’know
some people
just never get there at all
not even in the longest time
I did this to me
she was beautiful in so many ways
that it did not matter
she was another mans wife
I took the line hook & sinker
that all of that was over
dived right in for all my days
took her wandering in spain
where she became
you guessed it
more than a bit of a pain
everything was wrong
food drink heat light travelling
& of course me I was the wrongest of all
realising I could never make her mine
sitting in a bar glass in hand
understanding
me not she had done this to me
I’d ignored all warning signs
& all I had to do now
was to get me out of the mess
I had created over again
escape with all limbs intact
tho’ peace of mind might be a stretch
get her back home where she belonged
& me to some place I might feel safe
could sit back learn something try over
let out a sigh
about sixty miles out
there’s a pull in food truck
looking after the truckers farmers
in that remote spot
Me & my brother from another
meet up there
him from the north me from the south
in cold weather to get warmth
in bright days to ease
& most times we sit in silence
we go way back when
& have not got much to say now
after we’ve done the niceties
until Bang turns up
an old beat-up pick hard shell over
will drive in & the driver flips the tail gate
sitting there are ten or dozen gun dogs
spaniels of many colours sizes
they won’t move because they are trained
but one comes as he calls: Bang
a beautiful black cocker springer mix
Bang runs all around us excited
while the driver gets his coffee
so we end up throwing sticks
vying for the attention the fun
of Bang
& we will of course take pictures
to show our women
for them to coo over
which they don’t do much these days
for us
these two fellas
I hold as close friends
who I will never introduce
one to the other
hanging out opposite ends
of most things in life
I’m sure if they met
some function wedding thing
they’d nod polite
then move away quick
yet me in the middle
I think they are so alike
similar sense of humour
taking life as quite the joke
but that politics thing
takes away the energy
crucifies the middle ground
which is why I’ll never
get them to meet up
each would demand allegiance
for their causes
would burn me down
without a murmur
a sound
could be one of the older
staid rhyming bucolics
keeping score
spring summer winter
recorder autumn of life
I read them all
thought some to be a bore
or the path of the Plath
feeling too much
expressing disappointment
life nothing but a chore
taking the early bath
or the beats
the smoking appealed
wearing black talking shit more
not working just thinking
enlightenment at last
but no
the others hanging out
would be are such a faff
all this for trying to find
my original voice
as the koan almost said
the keeping it real
not going for laughs
she is proper old now
where only her needs are important
& forgetful too
lashing out that we won’t let her drive
tho’ we ask her to recognise
what she can see can’t see
whether she has the ability any more
when we leave she asks why?
like a petulant child
forced to be alone
forced by circumstance
& there is no recognition of others needs
those of work family life respite
as everything now comes to her door
groceries meals visitors
when we take her out
the wind is too cold
it is too hot too many people
& from somewhere I recall
the koan:
how does one develop tolerance
for the intolerant?
I don’t know I think
but I’m certainly being taught
they remember you
as a dancer
great energy on the dancefloor
& I remember you coming to see us
a thing you’d not done
for a long long time
talking of sorting loose ends
putting a new tomorrow in place
& I read somewhere
the idea that people
in the last six months of their lives
work to create sense
seek out old friends
putting everything in order
& tho’ I did not see it then
I see it now
you didn’t know
your time was coming
the building bridges making amends
was your own sweet way
of saying au’voir
until we meet again
