another one gone
was how I got to feel
after a while
but that first one
the second
mebbe even the third
pulled my head around
left me walking wounded
unable to sleep eat
look after myself
in any meaningful way
a roar between the ears
aching deep in my gut
feeling foolish as anyone can
letting the pretty bird
I’d forgotten to nurture
flutter away
never one in any way avuncular
a snuffling pig hunting me down
every chance he got
handcuffed me to the back of the sofa
so’s I couldn’t watch the tv
pulled my fingernails back
until I confessed to smoking
which I had yet decided to try
all he said to keep me in line
& the other turned a blind eye
though he had once helped
me to learn to read help me he claimed
to keep my snotty nose clean yet
invited confessions of everyday things
wanted me to tell him of my days
make reports back to the torturers
those with rules but no handkerchiefs
& the others were distant creatures
beasts wandering far off plains
whose only homilies seemed to be
honour your father & mother
do as your duty entails
meantime do as I say
not what I do
or else
I left a message
not expecting a thaw
just it is that time of year
to lay down cudgels
break some barriers down
see if we can find some
peace
maybe accord
there was no response
I was hoping for too much
as ever
maybe it is time
to leave the tundra
stop staring
at cold frozen walls
with no lights heading to a darker place
I just had to let her go
she was a sweet kid & everything
wanted a man to look after
be looked after by
& we swung ok between the sheets
except the one time my finger strayed
& that would never do she said
& it’s not as though
that was the end of my repertoire
finish of explore
but it was for her
finito de nada no mas no encore
I just had to let her go
in her sweetness & bright
for if this was our summer
how would we cope
hanging together
in the long winter nights?
they come for me middle of the night
bearing down
taking memories
experiences different from theirs
mine are current
theirs finished
& there is no exchange
gifts of wisdom
hints of the bigger plan
& this one here at my shoulder
says tell them we mean no harm
only wish to live again
& they never understand
I don’t want sleepless nights
them taking bits out of my head
standing looking over
disturbing the peace I once had
as I try again to shut them out
keep them pointed to the light
I could land them
but I could never
find the way to keep them
maybe it was my way of talking
that not give a fuck thing
I had going back then
some said it was my bedroom eyes
but they came they went
maybe I was no good at the sex thing
so few of us are
according to the women’s magazines
useless at commitment
was a word that got flung around
but I didn’t care there were always more
fish in the sea
more of me
to fritter away slowly surely
into decay
one cold frozen night
when the thinkin
gets to be a problem
you can run me outside
don’t leave the door open
see if I can work my way
back inside
& if not
well then
surely the problem is solved
I don’t want to get
be like these
sittin in traffic mind all closed
wonderin what
those yellow blinky lights do
walkin around
forgettin their street shoes
let age be for those who want it
got their own
yearnin
for achin grown old bones
I’d rather be remembered
bright as a button
shapin my life
not headin downwards
soft in the belly head
everythin a strife
a burden on those I loved
forgettin their names yesterday today
was I just younger then?
more open to the what happens
I had to just get away
thinking if I stayed somebody would die
& I did not want that to be me
riding out into the country
letting the miles slide by
pictures in a picture show
eyes caught by the wind
or so I wanted to believe
& then the sound no rider wants to hear
a missing beat in the engine
coughs & some loud backfire
& you count back miles to the gas stop
think of things that can go wrong
pulling over when the lurching begins
a dry scrape side of the road
checking the fuel plugs
doing that whole sweating kick start thing
& a bike pulled in behind
fella gets off’f it strolls over
y’ok? need a hand?
& you go over what’s been gone over
they notice a break in a HT lead
yeah that’ll do it eh?
grins all around
come back they say I got tape to fix that
& you follow
what else is there to do?
back at theirs the helmet comes off
& you see the first time
the rider is a girl
they notice the surprise & smile
gotcha eh?
you fix the lead
while she makes the coffee
& you get to stay a while
you brought plenty of things
nights of love & laughter
sweet sunny days that sped by
the happiness togetherness brings
times with you in Paris France
where we didn’t need music
the booze to get us up
on our feet to dance
& if I could I’d do it all
driving through Spain
the bullfights running the streets
sleeping outside too hot sheets
endless distances in deserts
to hold you close to me
but I swear I’d do it different
say goodbye sooner
before you created the rain
so I’d feel the same sad pains
of goodbye & distance
but not let you
ever again
bring trouble to my door
from about eight ‘til six
I don’t talk to nobody
maybe send a text
message on the media
but words don’t leave
unless I kick something
stub that toe
say things unheard
& that’s it
this focuses my speech
so when I do
i utter from back of the box
about stuff thought on
& the links between
string of social meanings
are either loose
or long gone
& I hear your voices as loud
need to cover my ears
until we readjust to reality
again
