I could land them
but I could never
find the way to keep them
maybe it was my way of talking
that not give a fuck thing
I had going back then
some said it was my bedroom eyes
but they came they went
maybe I was no good at the sex thing
so few of us are
according to the women’s magazines
useless at commitment
was a word that got flung around
but I didn’t care there were always more
fish in the sea
more of me
to fritter away slowly surely
into decay
one cold frozen night
when the thinkin
gets to be a problem
you can run me outside
don’t leave the door open
see if I can work my way
back inside
& if not
well then
surely the problem is solved
I don’t want to get
be like these
sittin in traffic mind all closed
wonderin what
those yellow blinky lights do
walkin around
forgettin their street shoes
let age be for those who want it
got their own
yearnin
for achin grown old bones
I’d rather be remembered
bright as a button
shapin my life
not headin downwards
soft in the belly head
everythin a strife
a burden on those I loved
forgettin their names yesterday today
was I just younger then?
more open to the what happens
I had to just get away
thinking if I stayed somebody would die
& I did not want that to be me
riding out into the country
letting the miles slide by
pictures in a picture show
eyes caught by the wind
or so I wanted to believe
& then the sound no rider wants to hear
a missing beat in the engine
coughs & some loud backfire
& you count back miles to the gas stop
think of things that can go wrong
pulling over when the lurching begins
a dry scrape side of the road
checking the fuel plugs
doing that whole sweating kick start thing
& a bike pulled in behind
fella gets off’f it strolls over
y’ok? need a hand?
& you go over what’s been gone over
they notice a break in a HT lead
yeah that’ll do it eh?
grins all around
come back they say I got tape to fix that
& you follow
what else is there to do?
back at theirs the helmet comes off
& you see the first time
the rider is a girl
they notice the surprise & smile
gotcha eh?
you fix the lead
while she makes the coffee
& you get to stay a while
you brought plenty of things
nights of love & laughter
sweet sunny days that sped by
the happiness togetherness brings
times with you in Paris France
where we didn’t need music
the booze to get us up
on our feet to dance
& if I could I’d do it all
driving through Spain
the bullfights running the streets
sleeping outside too hot sheets
endless distances in deserts
to hold you close to me
but I swear I’d do it different
say goodbye sooner
before you created the rain
so I’d feel the same sad pains
of goodbye & distance
but not let you
ever again
bring trouble to my door
from about eight ‘til six
I don’t talk to nobody
maybe send a text
message on the media
but words don’t leave
unless I kick something
stub that toe
say things unheard
& that’s it
this focuses my speech
so when I do
i utter from back of the box
about stuff thought on
& the links between
string of social meanings
are either loose
or long gone
& I hear your voices as loud
need to cover my ears
until we readjust to reality
again
I never wanted another
I wrote that out so many times
dropping the overscored notebook in the ‘bin
discarded disfigured evidence
of the deranged crazed ex lover
that I was
& knew I had to pick up the lesson
or sure as hell life would send it again
& my friend who loved me told me:
find a boring person make the change
you go after the exciting girls & women
find one that doesn’t excite you that way
took me some time to understand
my antennae were tuned to fast times
thinking these were the only way to fun
I did find one who didn’t tickle me right away
let that develop between us soft in light
& learned slow perhaps the best way
she was not boring just would not hurt me
the old ways were not always the best ways
& my antennae needed a re-tune to work right
we’ll call him Dave
& her Sue
because those are their names
Sue was my whore not that she did that for cash
just the booze, the thrills, the action
she was married lived part time with her husband & kids
& spent most nights party time part time with me
she loved my easy ways
the letting the whatever future may come life
that & my unfussy ways of drinking
there was always more booze more to be had
Dave was a guy I worked with who hated me
though he wasn’t smart enough to know I knew
he’d learned young to fake sincerity
& thought that gave him the edge on everybody else
Dave & Sue met at one of my parties
recognized each other for what they were
deciding to keep me in the dark was the best thing to do
Dave would call on a Wednesday night suggesting
we go for a drink
& I’d be: can’t man, I got a night shift to do
which he knew
maybe the weekend eh?
which he could never make
not understanding I have a third ear open
listening to the fake
& sure enough
the next morning grey eyed blurred with fatigue
I’d see her car by the kerb outside his place
& I’d breathe a sigh of relief
hoping that what they had would take
she would transfer whatever emotions she had for me
onto her new victim
they thought they were oh so clever
but really
were only good
at being sly
