& I knew full well

having a bad run of days

the job the money the weather

I needed

some me time

& she of course

said I took too much

of that anyway

she wanted to go dancing

meet with friends

do the things friends do

& I knew full well

if I dragged this dark heart

out into the night the light

we would not

be having a good time

& she knew that too

I did not want to fight

knowing if words broke out

things would get said

go way too far

we’d get to second guessing

if we were right for each other

& who needs reality

in a fairy tale romance

anyway?

I did not feel like a liar

i wrote her letters

saying everything

would be better

once I got back

& writing them

I did not feel like a liar

we were in dark days

spending time apart

& I guess now

I was writing for hope

for me for her

because when

I did get back

everything

did not get better

ridden

they come through

odd hours day or night

these people

I have been

or used to be

glimmers of memory

places these eyes

have never seen

but know true to exist

& occasionally

they offer wisdom

knowledge

others

I am just a beast

to be ridden

a joyride for them

to feel existence again

hoping not to repeat

I’d’ve preferred

a homemade shank

straight to the heart

between the 2^nd 3^rd rib

left lodged to allow

this thin blood to drip

instead

the old old story

she tore it out

tossed it to mangy dogs

to sniff for a while

then ignore

them to go seek

fresher meat

there is always newer blood

spilt from another sap

holding on to tears in the night

taking time to regroup

try again

hoping not to repeat

to pay

we had enough for the rent

or for her

get her lashes tinted

or for me

fresh bottle from the store

& I knew I had to pay

either today

or tomorrow

she got her lashes done

while I sat dry

watching the rain

hoping for rainbows

pots of gold

knowing tomorrow

or later today

if she didn’t get her way

one way or another

I’d have to pay

caught up

puzzles me

puzzled me all the time

how folk could never make friends

would prefer to engage

in the hate spiral

over & over again

& I understood easy

it was contempt for themselves

thrown all over me

being easier that way

than standing tall in the sun

shoulder to shoulder

solving the world

but no

they’d take the easy route

spiralling away again

& I could try to tell you

how I wanted to be friends

offering up respect open hands

& I’d be the liar

‘cos once the hate barrel gets opened

it’s rare for anybody breathing

to grasp any happy ends

Salon De Refuses

there was drinking involved

& some other substances

some I refused some I took

until I found myself in a dark room

slumped like the others there

in an overstuffed chair

half listening to late night music

the other ear open for good words

& the girl in the corner

was giving favours to my boys

but me

for reasons never disclosed

she refused me those

so I slept instead

dreaming of happier better days

when I had my own girl who loved me

the next time it came to drinking

I asked if they were gonna go back

leave me as the spare wheel

they blushed dropped their heads

we got warts & std’s man

we’ll not be going back

she did you a favour refusing you

leaving you to sleep

hold me close

sharp street light shining in

the electricity unpaid

was gone

& there was nothing in

the fridge the oven

cupboards on the wall

& I would if I could

have held you close

but you too

were long gone

but I have good memories

things we did said

despite

the empty space

next to me on the couch

in my once ours bed

here in my hand the bottle

will ease these aches

capture my soul tonight

forget the darker sides

of remembering

hold me close

until another morning

arrives

no longer

the girl up the street

wanted to climb trees

build dens in the undergrowth

with me

but first

we had to get drinks

from her house

& I waited in the garden

with her mother

copper redhead in a green bikini

full stretched out on a lounger

some soft music playing

& suddenly

I wanted to do something

what I didn’t quite know

but there was an urge

a wanting burning

& I had to sit on a wall

for a little while

until the swelling went down

& trees?

no longer

seemed as much fun to me

anymore

bette blue

as it was meant to

that piano riff

threw the hook

deep into me

the storyline of beauty

meeting love

held me first time

the echo of sadness

was mine all mine

despite

the actors on the screen

emoting their lines

I knew

this was me & you

getting it right

getting it all wrong

destiny

taking away from us

everything

that should have been