Saudade 8

& somewhere

a tree I planted

bows on the wind

how else would I feel this way?

bending to brush my teeth

feeling wet in the corner of my eyes

some sudden sadness taking over

as I check my feelings

a rush inventory

taken in blindness this early today

has somebody somewhere assassinated

my shadow?

taken silent pot shots on this sullied

reputation?

a doll in a darkened room

taking on pins pushed in by petty rage

& as I flush the toilet

I throw in their rage age of pain

go back to where you came from

throw on my cloak of invincibility

cast the spell of away & bade it

do not come this way again

& I walked away

with my head in the clouds

there was nothing could bring me down

touching the trees

holding you there

on the tip of my tongue

& I walked away

swinging my arms there by my side

knowing I could see you anytime

your smile was yours & mine

no guilt no nothing but happy

life with you was truly for real

if time is a healer with love

this was never gonna be true for me

as the seasons will always turn to brown

& I walked away

feeling nothing but pain

your smile had gone away this time

if nothing can be taken away

I would walk your street in the rain

remembering your lips taste

feeling your love

as I walk away this time

thankful but empty

for the last time

un poco cognac por favor

Spanish autoroute services 6.30am

the sun has just risen

over the browns sepias dark patches

painting the café walls pink golden

we stir from our sleep

travellers stopped for the night

huddled in blankets in our cars

go in & piss

wash hands to air dry

it is getting warm already

order a coffee con leche

& if our hearts need startin’

we ask for un poco cognac

miming with finger & thumb

maybe a 103 or a negrito

por favor

the bar counter for a full two yards

by almost a foot deep

is covered in layers of cake

doughnuts & pastries

protected only by a thin layer of plastic

by ten o clock all of this

will be gone

as will we

by some long hours

fair warning

Oedipus had fair warning

& still he made his choices

much like me & you

if we were to take the time

to think on what we do

& who wants any of that?

time spent in contemplation

of the inevitable

instead of acting no malice intent

so like Sartre

did but did not say

we act

we do

& be

what we are destined to be

not all of us motherfuckers

but proud actors on our own stage

awaiting the curtain

hold up the sky

you wanted me to hold up the sky

& it was all I could do

was walk around

my head down

searching for firmer ground

though try as I might

I could not hold on to you

you needing something more

than this fool writing the words

trying hard not to be a clown

& all I needed was your love

to see me as I was just

seeking my truth to live by

taking my days as they came

I knew that one day there would be

firmer ground to make my stand

but for you my lovely

tomorrow was too late for you to be

& if I didn’t cry enough as you left me

it wasn’t I couldn’t hold your sky

just that my head was down

searching for that firmer ground

other peoples’

hey you know a bit about computers

can you look at this for me

& usually its granny

knowing nothing of internet exploder

the flies on firefox

& you look

do a clean

check for unexpected installs

& later a friend asks

much the same

but then

comes the dreaded secret porn file

bringing with it pop ups

hidden files

attachments

& other peoples’ porn

is not like your own

theirs has hidden hang-ups

secret twists & kinks

so very unlike your own

& both of you redden slightly

now holding the burn of shame

& tomorrow

forever

this will not be talked of again

still be with you

there was a whole bunch

of shitty tricks stunts pulled

you don’t need details

you’ll have had your own strokes done to you

& when I caught up to ask the why?

it was because I didn’t love her enough

had taken what I had away

& it was her turn to be the bitch

& I tried all gentle

talking in soft tones

as you have to

in the company of the criminally insane

maybe baby

if you hadn’t been such a bitch

there in the first place

I would still be with you

today

Being 14

finding

Mondrian

Van Gogh

Dali

& ffs the impossibility of Pablo Picasso

Hemingway

Bukowski

Rimbaud

Hunter S Thompson

& sex

all of everything

mind body spirit

Zen koans

music on the radio

albums in others’ homes

never enough to eat

taking all in with each breath

the world spread as smorgasbord

walking from place to place

feeling the pavement

as the images freewheeled

across the sky

& nobody understanding the why

the boy was how he was

it was me

she was a wild thing

kept on surprising me

on the things she’d do

all the things you hope to find

match you on your strangest nights

& more

my friends had awe

how I’d found such a beauty

would go with me

everywhere we could

she hated the people I hated

loved along with those I did

&

like everything it seems in life

there’s a slow fade

into acceptance

neglectful take for granted

even for the wilder rides

she decided to leave

seems I was no longer the fun

nothing was happening anymore

who killed it lover? I asked

nobody & both of us she laughed

but I think she was lying for a love

that had once kissed the sky

it was me

no matter how big or fine the cage

the butterfly feels it every day

you have a loose foot eh?

yeah, I guess I do

I had to get out of my beginnings

the people there

had such a thin view of what I could be

& the habit went on growing

I kept on keeping on to pastures new

& if I can share one secret

listen in children listen up close

if you begin to put roots down

put an ear to the ground

people around you

if you sit still for one second

who have not known you long

will tell you straight

who & what you are

what they will want you to be

& if you like that just fine

keep on putting in those roots

but if you don’t like your box

want to break its confines

pull ‘em up & get walking

try your luck in a new town

be who you are there

see if they can understand