you told me
you loved
music
movies
going out for the show
& the biggest lie
of course
you loved me
I should’ve known
when I saw
there were no
books
sound system
your entertainment
came from reality shows
soaps
dross on tv
any where
but within you
with me
tip toe
caught in her fly paper
she wanted me to go
& I did not yet
want to leave
intuition feeling in my bones
someone else was gonna show
as her eyebrows got higher
voice shifted from low
& sure enough
just as I turned the corner
in he came
it’s a sick feeling
to be right in these ways
churning the gut
head spinning to know
all of this for nothing
more poor choices made
care poured onto barren ground
they said they were looking for talent
while I was looking another way
something that might work to capture me
I got the high priests of poetry
understood the all of it & that
the rhymes they were setting out to do
while I was searching the streets
listening to what they called low lifes
spitting out their heart felt poison bars
crazy at what had been done to them
poverty pain prison working blues
the nearest I got were the war poets
& even then the lines they sung
were distant detached highbrow lost
I was looking for words that hummed
sang of me & you walking broke
unable to eat the high yellow sunset
worrying about the shoes on our feet
hanging on in until tomorrow comes
but that don’t sell in the bookstores
draw in the crowds make fortunes
help make my teachers & me to meet
the cat couldn’t move
unless we promised him
booze women drugs
of any kind
that did not matter
just the promise alone
could get his ass out of bed
& upright the women
flocked to him
which creates its own jealousy
in the life of a band
fucks with your head
but the man could wail
spank that plank
get the crowd on their feet
& we according to him
were pulled along in his wake
so we went along his way
for a little while longer
knowing full sure
those appetites that ego
the gigs would end
we’d be designated
just one more band
doomed to fail
worked in the big city airport
handling freight & forward baggage
& I remember well
his eyes bright talking of stuff
the goods he handled everyday
& like all of us he was casual
with the things he didn’t own
& with those bright eyes on mine
he pondered out loud how to gain these
make them his & his alone
ransom a painting for the big bucks
we fantasied on cut out notes
fake phone numbers dead drops
how to do a pick up of cash
like in the movies not get stopped
& I heard no more for a while
until one day the local rag
lying on the bar I saw
a picture of popeye with a strapline
local mariner caught in ransom sting
given two years prison time
& I wondered how that might affect
those bright eyes shining on mine
some usual
tired fucked up thing driving too long
stopping dog boned with fatigue
taking the first room I could get
to find the hotel rented rooms to whores
being unsurprised we fitted right in
drinking beers at the bar in the heat
barkeep leering at her
& recognising I no longer cared anymore
stumbled stairs asleep waking at three
finding the bed empty but me
& the energy to go find was not there
in the early morning over juice
she told me she woke needed a drink
the guys downstairs were kind nicer than me
while I thought of the miles to come
counting before I could finally set her free
take some rest kindness just be
wanted the end of this journey soon
& maybe set out my wares my self
to try a new beginning again
no matter how hard you tried
to escape
your open occluded ocean
cesspit of rough seas
you would be thrown back in
because
you were a tiddler
no matter your protests
at the inhumanity there
hiding just below the surface
all they heard
cops teachers social workers
onlookers
were the half mute wails
of prey
on the loose
I’ve had several grannies
the step
the kith & kin kind
& mother in laws
the one I loved most
was my step granny
I remember her
offering cakes ice cream
& kindness always
which was more
than the others did
bringing in frozen shirts
from a cold December washline
standing them up in front of a fire
& that was me
eh?
come meet
being dragged off on view
like meat on the slab
feeling the perverse pleasure
the new lover
meeting the old boy
put out to pasture
unsteady on his feet
& I’d flex my face muscles
suggesting
I got this from here son
though there is always
the wonder
who will be along soon
to greet me
carry the baton
all I ever wanted to do
was walk down the dirt road
I saw through a car window
somewhere between
California & Arizona
a single mail box by the blacktop
to be dropped off by a friend
walking the last few miles
dusted in thirty degree heat
holding all I owned in my grip
to our cabin base of the hills
surrounded by trees & quiet
where you would be waiting for me
wanting my news word of the world
to hold me again
instead
I drove on to the next motel
neilbenbow 