bought me

a silver jesus

flea market find

from a blanket

laid on the floor

dirty unwanted

bent & twisted

looked looted

from

a Spanish

rural church

fella asked for ten

which I paid

no haggling

thinking

I could not

even begin

to barter

for the son

the girl

doesn’t know

what to do

having spent

her younger years

being

a little bit whee

a lot bit whoo

shaping the rules

as she saw fit

to make her way

in the world

as an outlaw

rebel with causes

& all this

has changed

now her youth

& beauty have gone

all we can do now

is wait for the years

she wasted

to catch up

with her thinking

for her to find

a new life

& ways of being

that might work

get her though

these later years

little legs

as soon as I could

I went searching

for my momma

all I wanted

was for her to be around

not knowing then

she was good for nothing

but good times

with anybody but us kids

I got known

in all the local towns around

a boy looking for his mum

& I don’t know what it was

instinct some pink link

but every now & then

I’d find her

cashier at a filling station

behind the counter in a store

she’d call the police

to take me home

when all I wanted

was her alone

& later when I got grown

I spent some hours with her

too scared to say anything

in case she called the police

to take me away home

which was another place

I’d outgrown

as more than

just babies

trying

to clamber over

each other

tiny fists raised

in case

the boss liked you more

when all it was

was trying

to make a living

without getting drained

swamped

by envy or hate

wanting

to form alliances

with those

understanding

wanting to escape

the everyday hell

of finding enough money

to pay the rent

settle power bills

maybe pay yourself

make your way

into something more

than this hellscape

of babies fighting

wanting to be seen

as more than

the monsters they became

Magno

got me Magno

stuff going on

working the ten hour shift

coming home

pouring one

falling asleep on the floor

waking at six

staring at the unfinished drink

stopping to think

is it the weekend?

can I get in the bag?

but no

put that in the fridge

step inside the shower

wash off

the smell of defeat

only

half a week served

splash on

the Magno

wash that everywhere

get ready

to step out the door

fresh face fresh smell

got that Magno

going on

the world is ours

to win again

inconsistency

we sit most days

here in the sun

with the belgiques

krauts retired brits

& the neddies

we are the guiri crew

the neddy is telling us

of what happened

the wife of last year

35 years is gone

wanting to move on

his scars from the sun

or was it a bicycle run?

the belgique says loud

don’t believe a word

he tells lies

& we listen having spotted

inconsistencies

in his stories

but then who doesn’t have these?

the kraut wife

did she didn’t she?

have a heart attack

trips home to hospitals

dancing with death

or dating another dude at home?

we listen & say nothing

about such inconsistencies

it is warm here & cold at home

damage

you

are a homeboy

got said

y’never want to go

anywhere

which to be fair

might have some truth

but what I didn’t say

get said

I just don’t want

to go anywhere

with you

another slur

put out

you are the most

selfish man I ever met

which I think

she hoped

might sting some

I picked up my coat

put on

my shoes & hat

walked out the door

thought

I guess

I’m better off

out of all that

points of pride

twenty years he says

I’ve been coming here

stay at the same place

drink in the usual bars

Pascal knows my wife

aims his thumb at the owner

have you been to?

it’s a great place for tapas

big sign over the door

look for the giant pizza

there’s a place there

where they know me

I almost but I don’t

point out the sign is

a giant Valencian paella

speciality of the region

later he confides

I don’t eat the local foods

& I don’t tell him

I kinda had already got this

for him it is a point of pride

he has been coming here

for twenty years

Pascal knows his wife

& I don’t say too

there are 20million visitors

to this place every year

why spoil his holiday

with truths?

discovered

those years

I thought salvation

came from others

I thought I was laying in

those memories of you

holding on to the sad

we went through

& then those other years

happened along

I got lifted

those memories shifted

discovered

I was hanging on

to the lingering gone

rose tints around the edges

sliding over the nights

where you

were no good for me

holding me close

not for me

but for you & only you

being scared to be alone

wandering rooms

sitting by the ‘phone

nobody calling

nobody home

which of course

by hanging tight

you pushed me away

no foolin’

I was sure

what I was putting out

was just about enough to get by

& what she was giving back

was hardly more

than the old college try

but she kept on coming by

knocking my door

finding my hiding spots

late nights offering rides

dive bars down at the docks

wearing the things she knew

drove my desires

she was married to another

a man did who not seem to mind

yet I felt I was being unkind

despite reassurances all night

I tried to get away

find another take my thoughts

in new directions

but those knocks at the door

visions of stockings in my head

her lying open in my bed

made me realise

how weak I really was

my willpower drifting past

no foolin’ I was lost gone

waiting for her to get bored

move on