& a couple of them
are now dead
not that I didn’t want more
my hand is always open
as is my heart
but the pool is small
can hold my hand tight
in theirs
mine darkest nights
the few know
no time is the wrong time
every moment we have is now
& that in itself surprises me
so few understand
hold on to each other
when the rain comes
the sun shines
as each are but the same
there was some confusion
there at the Ranters ball
we were guys hanging a line
see whether it would
could stack up
on a Saturday night with other poets
giving it everything
or just flutter out free fall
some were there for love
wanting the pretty young things
take their thin paper number
drag it out make nervous calls
others had the speech
make it about truth to power
but I was looking around
our grubby community hall
could hardly keep the lights on
to wonder if what we had
was more about the numbers
whose ears we could numb
who’d come for the party the booze
but otherwise
did not care much
we had anything to say at all
we were walking a vineyard
in the evening summer heat
I was being straight about this
if you want to come along
take the ride
I promise it’ll be interesting
sometimes a little eventful
hills bumps & valleys
be things we’d prefer forget or hide
but baby
you & me can go on forever
we may not get to wear halo’s
be just about getting by
but I’ll stick with you
if you will stick with me
so what do you say baby
you coming inside?
& she tried for a year or two
there wasn’t that much hardship
& the end when it came
was more about the stuff you need
to keep you going
the steel you need solid inside
was missing
covered in a thin veneer
blonde pine
blonde pride
a tap on the shoulder
a face in mine
hello lover how are you
everything aright?
& I had to look deep into those eyes
remember a time some long ago night
yeah everything is good
& you?
hoping she’d know
not to be misunderstood
mine was an easy ok
not giving too much back
she smiled
I saw her waver
could almost hear her heart beating
yeah don’t worry soldier me & you
we’re always good
& with that she slipped aways
soft into the black night
putting together the mix tape
songs to sing to
out on the highway
hearing the tires hum
up ahead the rain clouds
behind a clear sky
as you hit play
& this one doesn’t fit
this one for another time
out on the interstate
mebbe this one
the next
as you wonder what happened
to your sense of taste?
window wide open
as the miles unwind
stopping for coffee & gas
scanning the racks for something new
everything you love
you’ve already played
& the hours roll on
as all those things that meant
so much yesterday
have all upped vanished gone away
in your rear view
the person who cared
followed the rules
is not this one
rolling on
to return to places
is now
to be an adventurer
for what was
is now not is
the eye gets drawn to the differences
the houses bars shops
filling in with places
where there used to be spaces
plots for vegetal
peasant peon poverty smallholdings
& the offer has changed
from rural to mccy’d’s
burger king Kentucky fried sunglass hut
o’neill swimwear rayban surfer dudes
chain supermarkets offering the same
no need to sprechensee le lingo
everybody habla hello ciao
grazie a’voir prego danke
nein danke bitte merci thank you
have a nice day
& we swear to never return
but what is
will not be
next time
I really wanna know
how come you
& those women
get on so well?
& I wanted to tell him straight
but knew if I explained easy
he wouldn’t believe
get it at all
so I poured him a drink
looked him straight in the eye
ok ok but first
why are we friends?
he had to think for a while
so I poured him another
well he began slow
you don’t bullshit me
you’re not scared to tell me the truth
& don’t seem to care if I don’t like that
& how are you
with those women?
I asked all quiet slow
well I want them
but can’t get close to them
can’t afford them but do try
they say they like me but nothing happens
& you?
oh I like some of them
I just don’t want them or need them
I poured him another
you don’t need them? want them?
he seemed puzzled by that
but you get on so well
yep I said
& sighed
pouring myself another
this was going to be a long night
she comes toward me
smoking a cigarette
& I smell immediately
a strong mix of smoke & perfume
she stops as she sees me
its you! its you!
as she moves in for an embrace
like the last time never happened
as if we left as friends
she nuzzles in
you still smell the same
polite as ever I say as do you
she lets go & says
fatter tho!
your new woman must be feeding you well
like she doesn’t know
I have no new woman
I still have the one
after her
she starts coughing at her joke
& I can hear her lungs creaking
soggy & sodden
her dry larynx & tongue clacking
still on 40 a day
& you gave up for her didn’t you?
she has more questions now
that i have no desire to answer
I sidestep
I must go must go
& she tries to come with
you meeting her for lunch?
no I go I just gotta go y’know?
as her face falls
knowing I do not want her
to follow
non gendered
pissing shitting
in france spain
they seem not to be frightened
of the vagina the penis
whatever bits you have
bars cafes restaurants hotels campsites
have one toilet toilettes servicios
a half wall covering one pissoir urinal
& going past that
a row of maybe two sit down toilets
where who you are
what you need to do
is your decision
the choice responsibility is yours
you are expected to behave
& act accordingly
the rest of europe
is not so sophisticated
so
be warned
there were some emotions
I held at distance
not anger
that I was in constant touch with
having no fear of
but happiness
I’d touch that like a tongue
to a sore tooth
and back away quick as
fearful that if I stayed in contact
for too long
I’d contaminate the feeling
would jeopardize it
bring bad luck
wanting to save the chance
for the lift
if I had a bad day
& had to work at changing that
so now I can feel happy
in the moment
the now
actually BE happy
& that worked
well mostly kinda
sometimes
neilbenbow 