my need for outside
v your shut-in ways
lack of understanding
that this thing we have
life
is about adventure
new experiences
getting better
at what we do
while you fuss
about appearances
the toys
to indicate affluence
evidence of who you
think yourself
to be
soft easy furniture
heated surrounds
to watch the box
see the world
second hand
not that this happens often
or much
but
if I mention her name
his face goes awry
like he’s holding on to something
that he thinks I don’t know
& I want to say
let’s just let whatever go
that you might have had
with her
so long ago
I was done with her
she with me
& if you want to spit it out
do so
but let’s not pretend
about something
so long ago
maybe it was
the light in my eye
way of talking
thinking strange ideas out loud
but I was always impressed
how others knew clear
way before I did
I was not of their kind
just a passing through man
destinations unknown
& there were times I dearly
wanted to be part of a crowd the crowd
but no maybe it was
the light in my eye
talking odd thoughts out loud
amongst people who will tell you
we like ideas like to discuss
but no there lies the smokescreen
the ideas the discussion was always
what they knew feel comfortable with
where that for me was a starting point
looking into the void
maybe it was the light in my eye
a madness keeping me out
of the crowds
& I couldn’t see this at all
but they always did
way before me
there are a couple of schools
trains of thought
on these things
this place I’m living in for now
has Les’ wandering the hall
whispering in the bedroom
that he’s not happy
with the furniture
pictures hanging on the walls
he bought this place in the 50’s
when it was brand spanking new
moved in with the missus baby daughter
over time they either grew up or moved on
but Les’ grew his tomatoes
talked with the neighbours stayed on
part of his community
until last years the dementia
walking the streets bathrobe slippers
looking for something that had gone
& now he strolls the hall unhappy
with the changes we’ve made
the two schools of thought here
one being that ghosts walk amongst us
the other I’m mad as the hatter
again
would play on from the corner
Once upon a time In Paris
I remember that full well
the white sheets 600 Egyptian thread
& her hair her body stretched out
her need for another bottle
I was pushing hard then
trying to finish an education
make some money get by
& this exotic creature
had dragged me in to her life
not that I needed much dragging
I was wanting some romantic love
where she needed a sidekick
some sad soft led lad adventurer
to take the sin shoulder the blame
& being invincible good times to come
dropped headlong deep into that game
six months to fall in & eighteen in all
for me to climb out escape her clutches
I got Eric Satie playing in the corner now
that room that bed those sheets the woman
have all gone
as has any memory of any kind conversation
but the music? plays on
big words small times
I go visit go sit with
his girl has been scanned
already had one breast lost
now it’s her throat
she thinks it’s her time to go
she of course is not talking
to him or to me
so we sit are talking to each other
an existential crisis
big words in small times
talking of lives & death
that we’ve used up in music
tv the movies books magazines
riding bikes our choppers
anything helped us nay say
suggest life doesn’t end so
& now it is
big words in small times
hoping against hope
this time too will blow
but now we know
it just ain’t so
haunts
come in the night
when I can’t sleep
the booze
the weary
won’t take hold
when was the last time
me & the girl before this
we made love?
not the last time we did it
nor the one drunk
or that grudge rub
but when was
the last time
there was passion
some kind of need?
some version of love
& yeah that does it
trying to think that thru’
I’m asleep until the morning
gives me all the answers
I need
come by
once in a while
painted some fences
dragged gravel around
did the dishes
offered to do some painting
she said no
I got people come do that
they work pretty cheap
seemed she liked them
which was more than
she had going for me
& I tried to retrace my steps
see the place where
we’d stepped out of line
& I think it was doing
these things for free
refusing money
sense of family loyalty
she would love me more
if I’d made her pay
that was where her
fealty lay
after Annie left
we learned
to call her An hedona
he didn’t want to go out
stay in
do anything
to find pleasure
in the many things
that had pleased him before
& as he is your friend
you apply the knowledge
of your own times
knowing this will pass
& if it doesn’t
new territory beckons
far beyond your shore
I’d say clear
you ain’t listening
as we wore each other down
with the insignificant
the little things
that destroy
whatever you thought you had
between you
but the bigger truth
it was me
had ears
eyes closed
I wasn’t listening
she was bored of me
bored with me
& some time later
after I had walked away
gained clarity
I was bored with her too
learning late
had my own clogged ears
& mind
that was new
