after Annie left
we learned
to call her An hedona
he didn’t want to go out
stay in
do anything
to find pleasure
in the many things
that had pleased him before
& as he is your friend
you apply the knowledge
of your own times
knowing this will pass
& if it doesn’t
new territory beckons
far beyond your shore
I’d say clear
you ain’t listening
as we wore each other down
with the insignificant
the little things
that destroy
whatever you thought you had
between you
but the bigger truth
it was me
had ears
eyes closed
I wasn’t listening
she was bored of me
bored with me
& some time later
after I had walked away
gained clarity
I was bored with her too
learning late
had my own clogged ears
& mind
that was new
they were very clear
with an urgency we understood
there was a meritocracy in play
anybody who was bright
clever in talking out
could be anything
that they ever wanted to be
& it seemed rude to me
a breach of etiquette perhaps
to want to ask
so what happened to you?
you went to a good university
got yourself a good degree
yet you ended up here
teaching me
did you fail to believe in you
is what you teach a lie
or is there
no meritocracy?
the night watchman
ten o’clock until six am
down there at the docks
I was a know everything
know nothing kid
just about legal age to do the job
watching the empty dockside
try not to sleep until dawn
first night there
the docker foreman said
listen up son you got a job to do
we do ours & yours is
to watch outsiders trying to come in
not try to catch us
go tour the yard see what you can find
& I found nothing all was secure
just the contempt in the guys eyes
here he said this is yours
a sack of fruit & veg
fell off a truck
keep it right between us
& there’s more to come
we all good?
& yes
we were
lump on my head
needing removal
this may sting he says
just a little
as I feel hear
the local anaesthetic needle
crunch into my skull
they give me some time
just a little
before they cut my hair
needing a clear zone
around the lump
you ok? they go
& I say yeah
I feel them pull my head
begin to hack my skin
any discomfort they ask
oh just a little
as they ignore me
I am now just
a slab of meat
requiring attention
as I drift off to my hill
planting trees
spade into the ground
create a hole
slide in the whip
firm up around
just a little
& wait a while
sunny afternoon
just past warm
as the air hung heavy
there was silence in the bar
we were sucking on slow sorrows
I spoke to fill the gap
this piece I’d read
on the human condition
& this one said
fella you are so full of crap
& it’s not like I was quoting
Solzhenitsyn
or god forbid Nietsczche
I gave him the long look
waited ‘til he looked aside
said ok fellas
have it your way
it was time for me
to walk away
oh she would not know
standing there throwing her rose down
this strange man stood at the back
of her too young gone mothers funeral
oh she knows he used to hang around
but does not know understand why
the music she likes to listen & sing
the origins of her love of music
comes from the well we struck to find
those days when we were too young
playing each other’s records found
crate digging flipping through stacks
long sessions working through tracks
try this hear this listen to the groove
I was just another man passing through
the early days of her mothers life
one that she never got to know
& now never will
mid evening at a party a ce soir affair
to which I had not really been invited
but made welcome as a friend of friends
it was made clear too I was in a high-end apartment
a Parisian salon dating back the 16th century
in a desirable neighbourhood the 6th arrondisement
while I was listening I was watching my reflection
there in the mirrored glass doors one of 14 they said
recognising I looked on the way to being drunk
but maybe I was just tired from the days long drive
the large glass of red in my hand gave clues tho’
I saw also the pretty girl I was with who loved me
or so she said whenever the right occasion came
but I could see her checking herself there more than me
& knew clear I’d be leaving her if not today soon
people were talking to me asking pertinent questions
I should be paying for my company by being witty
tho’ I no longer felt bright in that long white room
of overstuffed chairs antiques & those high-flying people
who all toiled in institutions with letters as logos names
I needed to be in a bistro or a workers bar with a beer
thirst sucking on cheap red tasting the atmosphere
but here I was just one more to be networked used
brought into the I know a man who can syndicate
nobody took my number because I was passing through
& glad as I was to have been there to have seen
I was pleased at the end in a cab burning thru’ the city
looking for les deux magots Shakespeare & company
with the Seine glistening black slipping below
taking everything away
you can do me here
she offered
with a lascivious smile
wide as a prison gate
I’ll just lift my skirt
& how to refuse?
but I did
suggesting maybe later
thinking much much later
if ever at all
after her fella was asleep
with the dope & booze
he was two fisting
in the corner of the bar
your loss she murmured
drifting away
to find another dope
& sure enough
half an hour gone
her fella
& the wannabe fuckee
were in the alleyway
fighting
I don’t know how I knew
but I knew
instincts maybe
there is always
it seems
an ear open
for poison
gossip of the unkind kind
slivers of malice
whispers creating pain
& the only revenge
true vengeance
is to turn them away
show them the happiness
that reigns
when you do
