drop you a line

wanted me to drop by say hi

& I went because I’d heard

he was dying & wanted to see

me & Judy split he says

like tears are hiding close by

yeah I heard some story

she found you & her friend?

he scowled like a dog at that

just a thoughtless fling y’know?

anyway I asked you to drop by

talk of times how we let our friendship slide

can you remember how that happened?

could it be the money you borrowed

the music you stole from me

you saw me broke & walked away?

I don’t recall one bit of that he sighed

I thought it was about the time

we shared that apartment

I couldn’t pay the rent ran away

forgot to drop you a line

to tell you I’d met someone new

I’d see you right if not in cash in kind

can I get you a drink? I can’t I’m dying

busted heart broken body mind all gone

yeah ok make it strong & I’ll stay a little longer

I always was a sucker for your lines

the burning

when this

when they

take over your head

circle thinking

in the small hours

heat rising

the burn building

this

is when you know

you

have lost

they have won

so you get up

drink water

put on the tv

take a walk

just don’t reach

for the bottle

the pills

because then

they have more than won

they

have killed you

hold this close

the secret to green fingers

tell no one

but hold this close

the secret to green fingers

is to grow so many

whether seeds

seedlings

cuttings

that there will always be

survivors

I’ve been trying to grow jacarandas

In this colder

higher latitude northern hemisphere

& from 25 seeds

into seedlings

finally

I have one

grown past 2 feet

a budding tree

I have green fingers

how to say

I think

maybe know now

I offended them

riding through the city

with getting cut off

almost rammed

cars changing lanes

no indication

wannabe racers

challenging at the lights

& all I want to do

is get home to her

end of a working day

but no

they’ve seen the biker flicks

think I’m the evil do’er

makes me public enemy number 1

so when they come up behind

start beeping the horn

I give them the finger

not knowing then

these were people I knew

trying to say hello

how to say now

just

you wouldn’t understand

biter bit

I knew it was time to leave

one night when she was out

I felt I needed

to put a key logger

on our computer

to find

she’d already put one on

to get evidence on me

the biter got bit

I knew it was time to leave

cleared my crap off’f the hard drive

called a friend to help

moved my shit out

surfed a sofa or two

for a week two

until I could begin

rebuild again

so like a fool

turn right here she goes

no no I protest its further down

turn right she says again

with such surety I turn right

and

we’re lost

again

I have to turn around go back

back to where we started

drive further down

oh why do you listen to me?

she asks all broken up to be wrong

you have this certainty I say

your way is the only way to be

I had to fight my sister every day

she says now all mournful

who would fight black was white

the sky was grey & she was loved more

so like a fool

I listened & forgot to not listen

to her instructions

until the next time

floating

I was floating

just doing my thing

not taking too much too serious

letting anything that happened

happen

& I took that wave

as far as I could

not that these unfreaks understood

they were fighting each for scraps

morsels

stepping over each other

drawing lines drawn redrawn

over in the sand

& they called me feckless

reckless irresponsible

yet now

I look over their castles

still not getting it

because I can reach out

crumble them in my hands

should I ever feel the need

never broke one day of sweat

I don’t hate these guys

far worse than that

I despise them

running to their mummies

oh so prissy wives

the man said’ed a bad word

save me save me please

these simps

never broke one day of sweat

of their hissy fit lives

lived bread & cheese

until pay day came round

worried about dying cars

gas for the bike to get to work

wanting life to be all flowers

& pretty pretty things

while us lesser mortals

know truth

stubble never stops

I guess I’m lucky

with this disposition

I do this shaving thing

every few days

& not everyday

finding it hard

staring at this face

gets to be all mine

receiver of punches

kisses sunshine rain

softly changing over time

I’ve been called ugly

told I was beautiful

knowing those words

were about the giver

whether mean or unkind

they were never mine

taken on pre-owned

people you know

don’t know

I never really knew him

‘til one year into his recovery

had not realized how drunk he was

zoned out into the narcotics

& her I was with for two years

six months building that

eighteen months to get out

disentangle myself

sort out which

were my behaviours

which I’d taken on pre-owned

the silences happy times

she had

now labelled bi-polar

manic depression

like so many things

you need to know

you never find out about

until your time comes