one night when she was out
I felt I needed
to put a key logger
on our computer
to find
she’d already put one on
to get evidence on me
the biter got bit
I knew it was time to leave
cleared my crap off’f the hard drive
called a friend to help
moved my shit out
surfed a sofa or two
for a week two
until I could begin
rebuild again
turn right here she goes
no no I protest its further down
turn right she says again
with such surety I turn right
and
we’re lost
again
I have to turn around go back
back to where we started
drive further down
oh why do you listen to me?
she asks all broken up to be wrong
you have this certainty I say
your way is the only way to be
I had to fight my sister every day
she says now all mournful
who would fight black was white
the sky was grey & she was loved more
so like a fool
I listened & forgot to not listen
to her instructions
until the next time
I was floating
just doing my thing
not taking too much too serious
letting anything that happened
happen
& I took that wave
as far as I could
not that these unfreaks understood
they were fighting each for scraps
morsels
stepping over each other
drawing lines drawn redrawn
over in the sand
& they called me feckless
reckless irresponsible
yet now
I look over their castles
still not getting it
because I can reach out
crumble them in my hands
should I ever feel the need
I don’t hate these guys
far worse than that
I despise them
running to their mummies
oh so prissy wives
the man said’ed a bad word
save me save me please
these simps
never broke one day of sweat
of their hissy fit lives
lived bread & cheese
until pay day came round
worried about dying cars
gas for the bike to get to work
wanting life to be all flowers
& pretty pretty things
while us lesser mortals
know truth
I guess I’m lucky
with this disposition
I do this shaving thing
every few days
& not everyday
finding it hard
staring at this face
gets to be all mine
receiver of punches
kisses sunshine rain
softly changing over time
I’ve been called ugly
told I was beautiful
knowing those words
were about the giver
whether mean or unkind
they were never mine
people you know
don’t know
I never really knew him
‘til one year into his recovery
had not realized how drunk he was
zoned out into the narcotics
& her I was with for two years
six months building that
eighteen months to get out
disentangle myself
sort out which
were my behaviours
which I’d taken on pre-owned
the silences happy times
she had
now labelled bi-polar
manic depression
like so many things
you need to know
you never find out about
until your time comes
never one
piece of information
coming down the pipe
that makes sense
of you your situation the world
much as it is
never just the one person
can give you everything
make your world
this jig saw
open puzzle
we are all trying to solve
one piece at a time
no box lid picture
instructions
which was unexpected
there was no quiet
out there in the desert
miles from anywhere
dirt tracking stony ground
& all we had were
a couple of thrift store blankets
a six pack some crackers
a low fire to keep warm
& a bottle in case that went out
each other to hold onto
as the stars wheeled overhead
inching towards the cold dawn
& if I have a heartbeat
you ever wanted to
I’ll do all of that again
again
pearls before swine on the watercress line
old carriage heritage steam train
hints of brown faded blues
waiting in the railway siding
one hot afternoon
sitting waiting
hearing the hiss of steam
the birds singing outside
thinking of Addlestrop the poem
by Edward Thomas
with The Lark Ascending by Vaughan Williams
read by Geoffrey Palmer
searched found this on my ‘phone
this poem from 1917 the war years
played it in the silence of the hour
the piece came to an end
they’d never heard it before
had no place inside to hear the beauty
no feeling for its grace
I put my phone away
as the whistle blew
the train departed the station
leaving the moment discarded
as pearls before swine
on the watercress line
the playground never goes away
a fren’ of a fren’ tole me
he does x on the weekends
gets drunk all the time
kicks the cat when he’s down
the neighbour four doors along
heard from her neighbour
she goes out dressed like x
all the time
gets home drunk early hours
falls out the cab with strange men
& her
& him
& on
with the gossip asinine accusations
behind hands closed doors minds
the playground battles go on
fighting for ascendancy
of your own little square patch
of nothing
no evidence no crime
whispers tittle tattle to tell teachers
help you think
you are one better than
