oh I held you
even if then
that did that
for you
created the love
the feels
you needed
took you away
from the fear
you lived everyday
fear of losing
everything
living strange
where your love
would be one way
not reciprocated
so you created that
made the end happen
tho’ I never stopped
holding you
in the ways
that once worked
kept on being there
loving you
feeling the future coming
your not being able
to stop
your own twisted ways
kid with a torch
bad faith
you do this
& then do this
& this & that
all in bad faith
stringing along
waiting for me
to get it all wrong
not knowing
I’d been
doing shit work
my whole life long
he was just
the latest
kid with a torch
standing on a dock
waiting for me
the others
to fuck up
so he didn’t
have to sign the sheet
give us full pay
for the shift
hard work we’d done
not knowing
if he did that
he’d find out fast
what a rotten lot
we really were
is what I called her
because she tasted like free
the wild lands kind
knowing from the off
we would not be long
telling me her story
the bad men sad men
she’d found on her way
to my open door
& all I had to do
was not give her the same
or more of what
she’d tired of before
& I tried my very best
but honey is honey
attracts water to its core
leaving me drowning
her way of weaving
pushing me to my worst
to stop her asking please
give me give me give me
I need so much more
knowing I’d be on the list
those she’d kissed to tell
another bad man sad man
could not give honey
what she needed another loser
another fool just another to leave
flat there lying on the floor
paris is for lovers
her & her man
staying in the best hotel
swilling money around
best restaurants cutest cafes
galleries Lafayette
walking to the Louvre
& on & on
I sat listening
having nothing better to do
that long afternoon
as she gushed on
I wanted to tell her
of my late nights
broke & wandering
listening watching
Paris in dark shadows
days in the free museums
just being & nothing else
no lover no money
just me being me
she kept on some more
the fashions the people
I murmured the noise
oh yes! she cried
the taxis beeping horns
& then she was gone
leaving nothing behind
like all of us do
crude lives
I look at them
& have
always will
listened close
to their stories
watched
what they do
in wonder
& despair
these crude lives
no higher thought
for themselves
or others
but the next laugh
to stave off the cry
next meal
fast if you please
next drink or drug
because
what else
is there?
& lo betide you
if you
or i
were to try
& suggest
there is another way
check your reaction
now please
it is always
hard to know
how to feel
when someone dies
especially
if they are young
are you grieving
their
loss of life
& future
loss to you?
or is it
their death
is the greatest
reminder
of how thin
this thread is
by which
we live?
we learn
to honour them
properly
we must live
our lives
to the full
these things
you find
no matter how hard
they try
to cover their tracks
if later
you think on this
& wonder
was it
they really wanted
to be found out?
but you sit
in the meantime
waiting for words
to come out of
that cheating mouth
finding more sign
spoor
she’s gonna
be leaving
closing your door
hoping against hope
she does not
change her mind
accept her lot
with you
as her druthers
second choice
this girl
likes the looking
riffing the racks
in the thrift
charity stores
& at a pinch
will take on
vintage emporiums
despite
their higher prices
& late one night
we had us
a conversation
you remember
when we first met
you were
still angry with
your folks
making you wear
hand me downs?
can you enlighten
let me know
how doing this
is so different?
& apparently
I must be dim
in some way
unexplained
cos I don’t understand
I got out
alright
moved so far away
the people
I’d left behind
would need a month
to think it over
about
coming to see me
put a couple of days
aside
one to travel
one to come back
each of us not being good
with phone calls
writing letters
& all
likewise
for me visiting back
tho I did that
more than they
ever came to me
I was the strange one
that got away
& each rare time
we saw each other
long distance was there
in each others eyes
knowing the reason why
but wanting another
these songs
I don’t play
anymore
except maybe
in the long nights
winter brings
where I hope
I can’t sink
lower
except
perhaps
the floor
letting them
wash over
hoping
this time
any sting is less
that i
can hear them
with different ears
than the last time
those times
before
when you
were here
listening too
neilbenbow 