no nice guys here

you are a nice person

she says all sincere

er no I say equally

I can accept

I am a decent person

being decent to others you

nice guys lie

put you first

second guessing your feelings

pride themselves

knowing how you tick

get their kicks

from higher moral grounds

& ergo

are not nice guys

mainly manipulative pricks

yeah I get it she says

all sincere again

you

are not

a nice guy

our autumn

we were lying in bed

making love on hot afternoons

I was enjoying her

enjoying the being together

I got up to go pee

coming back she looked so beautiful

I got my camera

said don’t pose just lie there

let me capture you your beauty

& instinctively

she draped her arm over that face

for privacy for security for?

& I knew instantly

she did not trust me with this

as I felt a slight chill begin

our autumn

was on its way

loosing

loosing his sight

he writes

& I dare not contradict the spelling

& this one with parkinsons

can’t write

forgets our conversations

between calls visits

& somewhere

along our time together

I forgot

to not care

now I’m caught by these things

hooked tight by my own line

knowing nothing can be done

no wishes hopes miracles

burnt candles in the night

will change a damned thing

& all I can

must do

is stand mute

witness

made it through

I would take your hand

lead you a little way

show everything we said

we wanted could be

but I don’t know where

you are now

whether you’d listen to me

if ever again

but that don’t mean

I can’t wish you were here

top of this little hill

mound of not much

pillow of dreams

I got here alone

& you are long gone

off into that long night

breeze of goodbyes

tho’ at least I know

one of us made it through

this song senor

this song senor he smiled

es one of love the lover

who has gone away

walked the mountains

the mesa desert dunes

to go earn a peso in another country

& all she has now are letters

of loneliness new old cars

cold water shared rooms

a life of working living hard

he put some effort & soul into it

& I swear I saw a trickle

a little bead of sweat

these were sweet lies

the song was an old back country ballad

I caught references to dying vaqueros

wrapped up in homespun linen

where there will forever be

bad sad deaths in the afternoon

but who was I in this hot place

to deny the mariachi his money

this meagre prize?

a different kind of love

military town

early afternoon sitting in a café

stirring brown sugar into coffee

listening to military wives talk

& this particular odd group

they love their men it seems

tho’ it’s a different kind of love

than the one seen on tv screens

when they are away

they want them home

& when they are home

they get in the way

their lives are organised without them

raising kids doing the day to day

& the way they talk seems

their soldiers sailors airmen

are just one more awkward child

to be manoeuvred sorted out dealt with

infantilised in emotion ways of being

there but not there somehow wrong

yet wanted needed part of the show

a running still fifth wheel

the door

an off cream thick fire door

hotel regs to last long enough

create an escape

& when people knocked

there’d be a deep muffled sound

probably the insulation working

I’d sit lie still for a while no sound

until I hoped they’d gone

this time of not facing people

the world real life

not that I was having deep thoughts

more I just couldn’t be there

be amongst you others anybody

at Christmas you notice hard the cards

when there’s nobody to send to

valentine’s much the same

& when people knocked

I knew beyond doubt

they were bringing nothing new

anything I might’ve wanted

as I lay sat still waiting

for them to go

to take the emptiness with them

& these black lines?

the hire car was silver grey

came with a full tank

return policy same

no sat nav

just a map of the islands main roads

& these black lines?

those are the local roads sir

leading to peoples homes

ok I said thank you

& off we went

following the main roads

stuck in tourist traffic

lemme lookit that map

& we set off you know we did

on the black line roads

all gravel sand humped up by use

leaving dust clouds behind

& all went well

for a day or two

until I found myself

in a garden wedged on a rock

excuse me sir I’m stuck

es ok he smiled

just rock it

between first & reverse

it’ll back out

& he was right it did

I suspect this was not

his first rodeo

& drunks man

god she was beautiful

could smile to crack a rock

but she was a drunk

& drunks man

are no fun long term

it took a while to find out

she was that way this is how she is

I was just getting into her

& then it was too late

she needs to drink

more than she needs you

or wants to see you

& the flies flock to her honey

everybody loves a good time girl

you have to learn to share her

there are too many to fight off

& nobody likes the possessive type

especially you

she tells you she loves you

even uses those exact words

but the long of it

she doesn’t love you or

the other men she fucks for the booze

it’s the drinking she loves

this addiction the real love of her life

the harder truth being

she does not love herself anymore

other than the glass the bottle

the rush to oblivion