you are a nice person
she says all sincere
er no I say equally
I can accept
I am a decent person
being decent to others you
nice guys lie
put you first
second guessing your feelings
pride themselves
knowing how you tick
get their kicks
from higher moral grounds
& ergo
are not nice guys
mainly manipulative pricks
yeah I get it she says
all sincere again
you
are not
a nice guy
we were lying in bed
making love on hot afternoons
I was enjoying her
enjoying the being together
I got up to go pee
coming back she looked so beautiful
I got my camera
said don’t pose just lie there
let me capture you your beauty
& instinctively
she draped her arm over that face
for privacy for security for?
& I knew instantly
she did not trust me with this
as I felt a slight chill begin
our autumn
was on its way
loosing his sight
he writes
& I dare not contradict the spelling
& this one with parkinsons
can’t write
forgets our conversations
between calls visits
& somewhere
along our time together
I forgot
to not care
now I’m caught by these things
hooked tight by my own line
knowing nothing can be done
no wishes hopes miracles
burnt candles in the night
will change a damned thing
& all I can
must do
is stand mute
witness
I would take your hand
lead you a little way
show everything we said
we wanted could be
but I don’t know where
you are now
whether you’d listen to me
if ever again
but that don’t mean
I can’t wish you were here
top of this little hill
mound of not much
pillow of dreams
I got here alone
& you are long gone
off into that long night
breeze of goodbyes
tho’ at least I know
one of us made it through
this song senor he smiled
es one of love the lover
who has gone away
walked the mountains
the mesa desert dunes
to go earn a peso in another country
& all she has now are letters
of loneliness new old cars
cold water shared rooms
a life of working living hard
he put some effort & soul into it
& I swear I saw a trickle
a little bead of sweat
these were sweet lies
the song was an old back country ballad
I caught references to dying vaqueros
wrapped up in homespun linen
where there will forever be
bad sad deaths in the afternoon
but who was I in this hot place
to deny the mariachi his money
this meagre prize?
military town
early afternoon sitting in a café
stirring brown sugar into coffee
listening to military wives talk
& this particular odd group
they love their men it seems
tho’ it’s a different kind of love
than the one seen on tv screens
when they are away
they want them home
& when they are home
they get in the way
their lives are organised without them
raising kids doing the day to day
& the way they talk seems
their soldiers sailors airmen
are just one more awkward child
to be manoeuvred sorted out dealt with
infantilised in emotion ways of being
there but not there somehow wrong
yet wanted needed part of the show
a running still fifth wheel
an off cream thick fire door
hotel regs to last long enough
create an escape
& when people knocked
there’d be a deep muffled sound
probably the insulation working
I’d sit lie still for a while no sound
until I hoped they’d gone
this time of not facing people
the world real life
not that I was having deep thoughts
more I just couldn’t be there
be amongst you others anybody
at Christmas you notice hard the cards
when there’s nobody to send to
valentine’s much the same
& when people knocked
I knew beyond doubt
they were bringing nothing new
anything I might’ve wanted
as I lay sat still waiting
for them to go
to take the emptiness with them
the hire car was silver grey
came with a full tank
return policy same
no sat nav
just a map of the islands main roads
& these black lines?
those are the local roads sir
leading to peoples homes
ok I said thank you
& off we went
following the main roads
stuck in tourist traffic
lemme lookit that map
& we set off you know we did
on the black line roads
all gravel sand humped up by use
leaving dust clouds behind
& all went well
for a day or two
until I found myself
in a garden wedged on a rock
excuse me sir I’m stuck
es ok he smiled
just rock it
between first & reverse
it’ll back out
& he was right it did
I suspect this was not
his first rodeo
I was there
standing up to front
all that I had
which may not have been riches
but I was there
fronting up standing tall
& the offers I got in exchange
were as poor as my offer
if real as bullets in a dawn sun
god she was beautiful
could smile to crack a rock
but she was a drunk
& drunks man
are no fun long term
it took a while to find out
she was that way this is how she is
I was just getting into her
& then it was too late
she needs to drink
more than she needs you
or wants to see you
& the flies flock to her honey
everybody loves a good time girl
you have to learn to share her
there are too many to fight off
& nobody likes the possessive type
especially you
she tells you she loves you
even uses those exact words
but the long of it
she doesn’t love you or
the other men she fucks for the booze
it’s the drinking she loves
this addiction the real love of her life
the harder truth being
she does not love herself anymore
other than the glass the bottle
the rush to oblivion
neilbenbow 