day dreaming Pamplona

up at dawn

swinging legs out of bed onto old cold lino

pulling socks shorts t shirt runners

heading out into half light across the grass

then onto the concrete promenade

all the way to the end back other end

sucking up cool sea air & salt

back to my cheap rented room

no real thoughts just huffing puffing

to get fit run in the streets of Pamplona

trying to find somebody to go with

but here I was living low saving pennies

reading text books writing essays

an old dented blue smoke car to go

I was scary then to the girls I met

no package holiday just hit the road

find somewhere to camp stay on the way

living on bread cheese cheap wine

walking the streets was enough strange

a body could ever want to see

those days I thought offering experiences

was enough

when they wanted comfort to stay

to be the monster

they made me out

to be the monster

because I found them

to be mundane

with their just sayin’s

half done sentences

faux nervous giggles

half finished laughter

own it I said

please

be who you be

& her I threw away

for not being more

than just a pretty face

finding vengeance

her life trip now

setting out to destroy

my work my life

my reputation

now that does deserve

a half sentence laugh

faux girlie giggle

c’mon

you knew I was a monster

when you bought in

brought me inside

be the waiter at the Gonk

I would’ve paid

good money

to be the waiter

at the Gonk

with a line pad

in my back pocket

at the ready

loitering

with intent

picking up crumbs

after Dorothy

Dottie & Deems

there would be no bored

at those board meetings

nothing was too much trouble

to be picked over

pulled apart

it seems

remade in the light of wit

the fun in the acid cut

barb of conversation

if you don’t have anything nice to say

come sit by me

Ms Parker is said

to have said

quite

right

you gotta

she was a great looking girl

& in the beginning

great fun to be with

good sex good laughs

but over time the mask slipped

almost to come off

she’d share the pillow talk

with her friends

the foolishness inadequacies

fears neuroses day to day gaffes

& she could not cut it out

painting me as the idiot

which I suppose I was

paying her bills filling her glass

I walked away you gotta

when they get to disrespecting

losing the boundaries of what is

you gotta close that door fast

but that don’t mean to do hate

just her reducing me pushed me

to reducing her down too

god I miss that ass

no fun

this looking on

trying to understand people

in the what they do

bean counters of time & emotion

I’m only trying to get by

is what they say

while climbing over others

is what they do

self interest masquerading

as care thoughtfulness

paper thin ego parade

drip charade of tears

the young girl tiptoeing the street

acting doe demure

downcast eyes of modesty

knowing full sure the world is peering in

attentive to every detail

the invisible audience everywhere

& I am looking on

knowing full certain

there is no real fun to be had

in these monkeys with anxiety

trying to fit in

rather than be

for a second maybe two

I was stunned

not knowing what I was seeing

& then I knew

clear as I saw him kiss her

the way he put his hand

between her legs

this was not their first time

my body moving from heat

rage lava anger to cold

my head freezing

turning away

legs walking as thru’ mud

kept on walking walking

finally found home

tossed her clothes

toiletries into bags

called her friend

please come over take these away

changed the locks

pulled the curtains

turned off the ‘phone

sat for a long while

tried to breathe

waiting for a time

until I could open my eyes

unsee the seen

there were notes letters

phone messages

but I never saw her again

because I knew

I could not trust myself

with her

ever

again

this thing

we all seem to like to do

gets overlaid

burdened by any everything

& like all drugs

so much simpler to the young

do it for a while

& if it keeps being good

keep on doing it

if not stop

try something else

until we find

we’ve bought in too far

over our heads deep

got debt babies cars homes

lawns to cut

work to go to every day

for?

for this thing we like to do

tried to put a rope on

only caught ourselves

wolf

this trembling light kneed faun

living with a guy a few years older

his mother called tho’ I did not know her

can you come talk with him?

we sat for a while without a word

until his mother came back with tea

tell him tell him she said soft

he treats him bad she went on

ok I said sipping scalding tea

what do you want me to do?

talk to him tell him to stop it

& you think that will work? I asked

wondering how had I got to this place

we agreed that I’d visit in a week

call by & ask how things were

& if necessary take him out of there

I called in knocked at the door

the man answered asked yes?

stopped by to say hi I go all nice

he ushered me into a room

racked floor to ceiling vinyl classical music

any requests?

Holst Planet Suite Mars…

the trembling faun came in

how are you? I asked all gentle

I’m ok he said fingers to mouth

in a shushing way eyes to the door

the man brought in tea & biscuits

we sat silent listening to the record

at the end of the piece I got up to go

thank you for the tea & Jupiter

I must be on my way

hearing later that they did separate

the older man found a new lover

to listen to ancient music with

while the trembling unsteady faun

found a rock star to live a new life

so what

somewhere around four

the booze crowd had slowed

gone on to other better parties

or fallen asleep drinks in hand

we were rolling papers

talking of a better world to come

& Miles came on

somebody said something

sounded soft to say

this cat can blow

& my head opened

could feel

what the man was putting down

there was pain there in a call to love

some simple lust mixed with raw sex

the right kind dirty no law rules

beyond fucking into the right stuff

where looking at yourself mirror morning

hurts deep into blushing chest

which I felt now as loss

that I did not know

such a woman

who could kill me

like this