killing me slow

maybe not literally

but my soul was giving out

having had enough of his shit

the wanting to stop here & rest

take an hour to call home

fret about the weather for a while

tho’ we had a thousand miles more to go

I retreated inside made my outside be numb

& somewhere around 500 miles

at another stop for nothing he said you’ve gone quiet

is it because you’re tired? maybe I said maybe so

another 500 miles on this road & I can finally get some rest

knowing then he had no idea that I was fixing to say goodbye

our friendship had not passed the test

& later I thought long had I tried hard enough?

put in the real effort & time not just filled the hours

but no he was at his best being who he really was

while I felt I had to hide inside

our roads would never be the same

& I never saw him again

or felt the loss

plenty enough

I had an old music player

the same old seven vinyl albums

I played over over

that & a radio needing batteries

more often than I had them

& books

these came from the library

or there were a couple of bookstores

offering a two for one deal

I’d pick up unreads from friends

any old shit they hated discarded

such were my evenings

sat in my worn dumpster chair

pen notebook close to hand

reading with the music soft

in case the phone rang

it never did

or the door got knocked

that seldom happened

no tv no booze no women

there were a few times these turned up

good women who appeared disappeared

to sneer at the lack of furnishing

complain about the empty fridge

mouldy cheese bread & who needs butter anyway?

they would want to improve the place

& later try the same for me

new sheets curtains a towelling bath mat

these of course lasted longer

than any of them ever did

they’d complain I wasn’t the marrying kind

huff & puff slam the door be gone

the problem being I didn’t understand then

what the problem with me

was

me

don’t make it me

I was listening

wishing I could record

play back her words

because though I might be

she wasn’t

hearing herself

at all

these ongoing issues

problems with her man

& him being with another

feeling dis empowered

while I was opening up

different opportunities

reflecting back her thoughts

but being in the hole

she was unable to see

any way out

as I said the great phrase

if you have to make a choice

between me & another

please don’t make it be me

I just don’t get that

I just don’t understand

mebbe its time I said

to just sit with the thought

for a little while

until something appears

granny love

I’ve had several grannies

the step

the kith & kin kind

& mother in laws

the one I loved most

was my step granny

I remember her

offering cakes ice cream

& kindness always

which was more

than the others did

bringing in frozen shirts

from a cold December washline

standing them up in front of a fire

& that was me

eh?

vibrating to red

there were many things there

all the colours we usually see

& those hidden by our eyes

but vibrating to red

seeing energy move between trees

the flowers earth & me

& looking into your thoughts

knowing more than I knew

we were not destined to be

I had taken a wrong path

my life after this could

never should be the same

& I knew the leaving

would not be easy

all the people I was with

to be left by the wayside

no longer fellow travellers

my road was diverging fast

& you were asking

how is it for you love?

& I had no answers

simple enough to give

nothing there in the margins

I could show

for the magic to flow

taking a long walk

with me

nobody else

doesn’t matter

city streets

bucolic countryside

just me

my thoughts

& one foot in front of the other

not waiting for clarity

understanding

yet knowing this will come

giving time

for the magic to flow

but first

one foot in front of the other

listening to the world

sniffing the air

breathing easy

letting it be

whatever comes

my way

it was me

made the running

filled in the gaps

all in my head

I was lonely

but did not know that

& a smile a kiss

some time spent together

could make me think

what we had was more

than it ever was

& it took me so long to get there

I had yet to learn to surrender

get to be good with me

& that takes some time

& the next one you meet

who thinks you will do it all

the running the thinking

filling in the gaps

gets the surprise

you

are not like the others

it was me

made the running

filled in the gaps

all in my head

I was lonely

but did not know that

& a smile a kiss

some time spent together

could make me think

what we had was more

than it ever was

& it took me so long to get there

I had yet to learn to surrender

get to be good with me

& that takes some time

& the next one you meet

who thinks you will do it all

the running the thinking

filling in the gaps

gets the surprise

you

are not like the others

Separation anxiety

She

is of course

a strong & independent woman

& me?

if pushed

I’d offer much the same if male

which is why

when we meet

after any absence of more than a day

we need to be careful

to rejoin gently

otherwise we lock horns

fight down to the bitterness

but if we go slow

we can reform our alliance

go on

to be strong

together