yet not vocalised

my very being

is scary

apparently

dark of countenance

eye

demeanour

I frighten the horses

children

women

men of a certain

disposition

in some as yet not vocalised

manner

way of doing

in the world

& there I was contemplating

the garden the view

wondering just what

was going on

me

it seems

live like that

I could not live like that

these days any more

buying cars for a hundred

driving them until

they broke down the police stopped me

brakes exhaust engine radiators

died dead as

selling them for scrap at twentyfive

occasionally lucking into a good one

lasting six seven months no fines

walking between rooms suitcase

records paperbacks typer maybe a month

sometimes a season once twice almost a year

evicted

for noise no rent money too many visitors

girls women late into the night morning

working here there chasing hours

driving between jobs hovels girls

sleeping in the car after a late night drunk

to be there in time for the early shift

or get fired again again again

oh lord no please not those days

I could not live like that any more

not in local wars

I saw many of my brothers fall easy

not in local wars or ‘nam

that I could surely understand

but slow falling into the ways of flesh

arms of girls soon to be women

wanting to build nests homes

needing carpets curtains

all the white goods

when once all they wanted

was them in the morning

afternoon nights

& they too

needing now newer cars motorcycles

wanting lawn mowers hoses rakes

fresh cut lawns scrubbed parking drives

these once bright eyed forever hungry

demons in the night screaming sonnets

lilting love poems to lust let me live

let me live again soft singing drunk high

I guess they got their wish

but if you hear

they talk all wistful

sighing

worn path

we all knew that

he was secretly gay

as in

he had girlfriends

slept with women

in relationships that never lasted

amounted to much

not that any of that

bothered us

we were happy

to hang out with the guy

go drinking

did the shit that friends do

because we were fond of him

& yes

we’d offer openings to draw

help him we thought

come out

but no

the girls beat a worn path

to his door

only to leave disappointed

after maybe a month

if that

& we loved him more

when he could

no longer live like that

bill of sale

I was floundering

out there on my own

& the suggestion came

time to talk to someone son

found my way to

went & talked to the doctor lady

she told me plain

I might be missing components

raised from the cradle

the way I was

I’d keep picking

the wrong kind of women

but prescription there was none

meantime do the best I could

just keep on pinballin’

hitting the bumpers soft easy

until fate brought me

to the right one

Women got a broom

I was feeling low that morning

couldn’t find the energy

fill the bowl with hot water

find the razor to shave

focus on doing

the what needs doing

but I still made it out

go see the listening lady

sitting still in her room

& I told her of feeling low

today I just couldn’t deliver

make the show

& she told me

whatever men do women do too

but they also got a broom

up their ass to sweep along

cleaning up after everyone

I should get my sorry ass

up out of the chair

get home scrape that razor

put on my best face

go do what I gotta do

cos you know

whatever it is you do

women got a broom

to do more than you

designated

the cat couldn’t move

unless we promised him

booze women drugs

of any kind

that did not matter

just the promise alone

could get his ass out of bed

& upright the women

flocked to him

which creates its own jealousy

in the life of a band

fucks with your head

but the man could wail

spank that plank

get the crowd on their feet

& we according to him

were pulled along in his wake

so we went along his way

for a little while longer

knowing full sure

those appetites that ego

the gigs would end

we’d be designated

just one more band

doomed to fail

tell me he said

I really wanna know

how come you

& those women

get on so well?

& I wanted to tell him straight

but knew if I explained easy

he wouldn’t believe

get it at all

so I poured him a drink

looked him straight in the eye

ok ok but first

why are we friends?

he had to think for a while

so I poured him another

well he began slow

you don’t bullshit me

you’re not scared to tell me the truth

& don’t seem to care if I don’t like that

& how are you

with those women?

I asked all quiet slow

well I want them

but can’t get close to them

can’t afford them but do try

they say they like me but nothing happens

& you?

oh I like some of them

I just don’t want them or need them

I poured him another

you don’t need them? want them?

he seemed puzzled by that

but you get on so well

yep I said

& sighed

pouring myself another

this was going to be a long night

clear the bar

I wanted to talk to Pablo

get his understanding on women

like Frida knew

I’d ask Salvador for the real recipe

on paella ‘cos that cat dug it

& Vincent I’d walk with in the evenings

listening for hints on light the sun

Matisse would inform best on

what to do

when the sky falls in

& Jackson & me

we’d drain a bottle two

while Toulouse sinks the green

positively obscene looking up

watching Edgar D

clear the bar

again