waits by the big oak

got away

from the green fields

lying under the oak

sitting as a teen boy

smoking dope

sipping on stolen wine

kissing the girl

thought everything

was just great

taking all I could take

from this sleepy town

wanted to show her life outside

instead she wanted babies

had a series of men

who loved her at night

but not in the day

until she got the cancer

went on

now she waits by the big oak

waiting waiting forever

for me to come by

again

revelations

I took my white handled athame

down to the beach start of the day

& as the sun caught tip of the waves

I threw it & the last I had of you in

I’d returned the photos records

books clothes intimates of will

but for my last precious part of you

tied to my athame flung far as I could

& as I saw it arc then sink into the sea

I chanted a spell cutting the cord

that bound you to me me to you

the ocean took all of that in away

our bond was cut now not to be again

I sat on a sun burnt bench for a while

watching waiting whether for hope or fail

in case the tide brought us back again

& then for a brief moment bare waving arms

of dead sailors accepting my gift with wishes

it was then I knew the hex had taken hold

walked away with words echoing my head

I’m going to miss that pearl white handle

my faithful athame in my hand my heart

over & over now never helping spells

incantations rituals until I will get old

& says the Jesus

the devil is waitin’

though where & when

is not clear yet

I guess the answer there

lies in the details

& the pastor told me

I can put off that day

his friend Jesus

he surrounds me

all I got to do

is surrender

take on the life

I should’ve taken

a long time ago

& all I ever wanted

was peace

some money

a place to rest my head

in living the devil

makes that easier

& says the Jesus

can look after me

maybe when I’m dead

soft blow the spark

I was waiting

on the corner

behind doors

in other peoples rooms

dark nights no friends

to take me home

looking for you

hoping for a call

& when we met

I could not tell you this

say the words to you

roads I walked alone

places I sat hoping

to catch a glimpse

something I could

claim as my own

for fear you’d feel reproach

that you were not there

where I wanted only

to soft blow the spark

build a fire

until waiting was done

I was waiting

hand held out

to pull you through

and I waited

until waiting was done

& you called out

if only I’d waited

just a while longer

you would’ve come through

but a fool gets tired

standing there like a mule

mute strong patience long

I was waiting

hand held out

wondering out loud

just where were you?

& you were waiting

testing

for how long

I’d hold out

& I’m not sure now

which of us

was the more stupid

every time the phone rang

I was hoping

dreading

it would be you

I was sick over you

in the head

my gut

my cock too

I’d made the life promise

not to call

that I did not want to do

but I was sickening

for you

me

my friends too

& if you called

I’d be back on the merry go round

up & down emotions

enjoying the ride

but waiting

for you to kill

breathing air underwater

pushed down underwater

almost never came back

days behind the door

found it hard to come down

when she left

leaving scars on my brain

from the wrenching

of us apart in goodbye

came the waiting days

turning out the light

closed curtains

a funereal friend

there but not there

not eating

booze the only friend

that understood

that I needed time

not to process

she told me loud

I was too weak

when she needed

me be strong

& too strong when

she needed me to submit

but to learn over

begin again

breathing air

without her by my side

sucking it all in

while women shop

I hate waiting around

while women shop

in department stores

where they try

the patience of assistants

trying different sizes of items

colors

then not buying

I need to think about nothing

while I wait

standing or sitting

staring into space

waiting

wishing

for the world to end

spacing to the place

we go when time

must be wasted

& we don’t force them

to come with

into mens places

forcing them to hang around

either because we know how hard it is

to wait while another thinks over things

or we are just not sadistic enough

I watched a clock for an hour

saw the sweep hand through each second

revolution

thinking that if I punished myself enough

I’d know not to catch this kind of job again

but I did

being young feckless and free

the burdens

I had felt as nothing then

there would always be a better day

at the end of the shift

weekend

counting stuff

sweeping floors

pushed

pulled things in cages

levers

all for the pay

at the end of the week

day

I was as the dust

swept from dark corners

faint shitstains on thrones

and they made sure

to let me know this;

you can go at the end of today

Friday

we got somebody with more shift

about them

and I’d escape into the sunshine

night

wondering where I’d go next

to start the cycle again