the things they say

I love you

I could eat you up

I love your spontaneity

your outlaw ways

you can do me anytime

anywhere

you can do me in my sleep

& most of the time

these things go in one ear

& right out of the other

but one early summer morning

sometime around six

as the sun lit her blonde hair

cascading over the pillow

I saw her sleeping

looking just fine

so I reached over

started in soft

feeling those boobs

what the fuck are you doing

came back very quick

I’m sleeping

leave me the fuck alone

& it was about then

I began to question

the intent truth & meaning

of her other words

I’d taken in as true

the therapist

began in earnest setting out the rules

which seemed at first fair do’s

wanted me to be real

tell the truths there of my life

be honest straight & true

then later came the add ons

no cussing swearing getting angry uptight

got to sit still stare her straight in the eye

no fiddling or fussin’ hands in my lap

or there along the arm of the chair

& I felt like I was sittin’ at my grandmas

a poor frightened child waiting for rescue

& this could not be so told her I had to go

this was becoming less & less about me

I had things to talk on that are nasty brutish & low

been through hell deep dirty water no rope no hope

nice words & holding still won’t cut through the wild

if you want me to be the way that I am

I got to be me talk & do the way I do

else I need to be going find someone new

who can help me find my way through

loose yellow

jealousy is a loose yellow dog

cocking its leg everywhere

shitting on any

everything

& the happiest bit

is its practitioners

seem hugely unaware

they are taking apart

from behind their gossamer veil

I’ve heard them

claiming higher ground

morality utility

doing their best

calling out

pointing fingers

distracting attention

from their own conflicted

feelings

not daring to question

themselves

for the true answers

there

like any government

there were years of silence

but like any government

when there is something

it wants you to know

there will be a way to get through

& I’d grown easy with that silence

comforting to have the ease

but i bought the ticket

took that long ride to go find

if there was anything new

of course there wasn’t

but the need for an audience

listen to the old show

no attempt to be true

behave in any way new

& both of the originals are gone

just the step in hanging on

I’m getting used to the quiet again

not waiting for the call

but knowing sure as tomorrow

one will come

& to be true

I wanted to be gone

& to be true

I felt my people

wanted me gone too

one less mouth to feed

more cash for the booze

but where to go?

loving the sun the beach

the mountains lakes

green meadows blue skies

so many places

where to choose?

& knowing nowhere

could now be home

setting out for something

to be always alone

never settling here

wanting to be over there

somewhere else with you

to ask to answer true

he’s not the kind to ask

he is a man after all

& we don’t ask personal

of each other that much

so when he inquires just what went wrong?

I take a deep breath & hold

& the sigh comes out unclear

where to begin?

she was a great girl I wanted to be with

but man she wore me out

had no real ideas of her own

& after a time y’know we want

to be loved right back?

had no initiation no get up & go

& yeah if I prompted she‘d be there

ready to pitch in let it flow

& its great to hear an echo

once in a while lets you know

where you are out in the wild

but at home that over time

becomes such a lonely sound

& you have no other choice

than to let that go

I saw him nod his head ok I get it

& that was that closed