really live

wanting to live really live all of life

feel the sun on my face in a week day

fuck that only for the weekends shit

& money only seemed to be a honey trap

all we needed was enough to live easy

the booze the chemicals food to sustain

roof over our heads cool in summer

warm in winter a motorcycle to go from a to b

forget the status symbols bright flash to show

all on lay away the drip drip of hire purchase

showing out to those who didn’t care for us

neither a borrower nor lender be theft is free

live with what you have within slender means

a poor mans manifesto for living for fail

to learn they will go along for a short while

hoping to twist & turn you to wanting more

& if her effort comes to nothing

you know how this will end

she walks out of the door sad but gone

rinse repeat ad infinitum

says the fool

just between you & me

bad places

good learning

never sit with your back

to the door

middle of a public space

don’t corner somebody

meaner than you

if he has no friends

she has no friends

you will not be a friend

you can’t trust

a strangers scales

a person with a nickname

especially if its honest john

a call for a fair fight

a one time only

borrower of money

tools your time

just because she says

she is using contraception

that doesn’t mean

you don’t need to

if the police say

just between you & me

I know you didn’t do this

you don’t need a lawyer

or their lips are moving

remember

they are trained to lie

to trap you into guilt

& you are not always

the smartest kid in the room

trap

some traps are easy

the great maw of steel

ringed with sharp teeth

others red lipstick

pearl whites poking through

& then the ones

that catch in the everyday

trying to understand

the why?

why do they

say do be like that

& there you are

hanging

on every word

trying to understand

& there you are

trapped in the best trap

because you don’t know

you’ve been caught

roaring deep

those nights

lights off

sitting in silence

holding my head

& wondering if the abyss

would cease staring back

as the world spun ever tighter

it seemed then

that everything I had ever

got close up to

seemed built

on a long ladder of lies

dissolving under close gaze

tighter inspection

parents school college

all of the institutions

work

that ever present

need to earn money

where the people

who did the actual work

earned less than those

who could not do the job

sitting in air con offices

scheming on each other

to suck up to the boss

in a bigger office

I wanted needed out of the trap

& all I heard in the silence

was the abyss roaring deep

Fail & sometimes

we are set up to fail

we’d been out a few times

spent more time in

getting to know each other

letting the guard down

see who we really were

one night late as we prepared for bed

she began talking of her car accident

reconstructive surgery

& mute I said i had not seen a thing

the repairs were all to her head

skull fractures lines of surgery

where hair was now missing

as she lifted up her locks

to show the bald patches

where hair could no longer grow

I sat still saying nothing

as she let her hair down again

& nothing now looked amiss

I kissed her held her a while

& we slept together

got up late went about our days

she never invited me back again

would not answer my calls

this was over

whatever trap had been set

I took the fall

fell into fail

she must have seen something

there in my face

maybe I hadn’t…

said kissed cuddled held enough

whatever

I had been set up to fail

no conversation no nothing

can bring that moment back again

What are you thinking?

She asks
and I don’t yet know
that it’s a trap
to say
that I wasn’t thinking
of her
‘Nothing’
as a response
is not enough too
she wants
more, more, more
later
I’d be thinking of how
to avoid taking her out
the restaurants aren’t good
we’ve seen everybody three times already
she says
no movies to see
theatre to go
and I’m sick
that that she’ll eat then throw up
quietly
discreetly
but the job will be done
all on my dime
my pay
its somehow enough
for her
that she’s here
with me
wanting to know
if my mind is freefalling away
it will be six months
before she finally leaves
and my sadness
tempered by her madness
knows it will not be the last
of her this day
and she will turn up again
raving in drink
needing to know
just what it is
that I think
about her
in truth
its fear
fear that I want to love
this madly disarranged
part in my life
fear
that I am worth no more
than sluts like these
held tight to body image
drugs
booze
and money
for my dark love