scars

got scars

some

I’m willing to show

others

I keep hidden

way down below

not for shame

more the pain

I went through

to get them

the learning that came

is not easy to tell of

help you understand

& if you ain’t got any

it is my strong belief

you ain’t got

any good stories

to tell

go visit

they never asked

so I never told them

what it cost

inside

for me to go visit

to try & stay with them

to put myself aside

pretend to forget

for the few hours

we got to play happy families

but always too soon

the cracks would open up

pretence would wear thin

stories would be told

& if I wasn’t quick enough

to slow these down

the sadism would shine through

& I’d have to leave again

the least

times stood with you

side by side at the bar

& my world

outside unfolding

falling to pieces

knowing you had my back

not that we talked deep

of these things

though I knew

what was going on

with you

& likewise you knew

& when I did talk

I felt your ears to be true

friends through & through

& now you’ve gone

the great pub in the sky

or the dive bar down below

they asked me to speak

there at your funeral

to talk of who you were

& I believe you’d understand

when I told my stories

tried not to mumble

falter in my feelings

tell of the gentleman

friend hero I knew

feeling

it was the least

I could do

sharp as the days they were made

sitting & listening

intent

to old soldiers stories

sharp

as the days they were made

hoping for clues

enlightenment

some moral compass

coda

to live by

but no

they are just jokes

tall shaggy dog tales

non sequiturs

played only

to eke out the day

they plow on

either forgetful or uncaring

I have heard each fable before

my only use here

is as ears

she got

to telling stories

cos the truth was not enough

to gather enough sympathy

& I was indeed sorry to let her go

tried in my own way make it soft

do it slow

& what she missed

in letting folks know

I had a dark side

was I had that locked down tight

scared to let it go

even though the girl hurt me

didn’t care for anybody

beyond herself

& when I was with her

lying side by side

I knew if I had to live

I had to let go of her

while keeping hold

that dark side of me

I got your numbers

here in my heart I got your numbers

I want to talk with you

again

burning ice in my mind

and like I can never remember the number

on your door

that is all gone away from me

& you are beyond my calls

though that doesn’t stop this want

or wasted tears

washed away again

by time

drifting in on your silence

there is nothing left to say

except maybe repeat apologies

& mumbled half built stories

from regret

but I got your numbers

written

carved

here in my heart

Ends

into the woods

I went deep into the woods

the places we used to play

make love

&

wander hand in hand

&

thought of you

Write, you’d say

just no more fucking poetry

write those stories

the ones about stuff

of love

of people

of

you

&

Me

i took a piece of chalk

wrote her name

&

mine

&

a heart

even though

we were no longer lovers

&

back then

i was older

more mature

than this juvenile

chalk in hand

too much too much

after days of speaking to no one

coffee please & thank you

to spend an hour shooting the shit

letting stuff out as honest can be

then to retire & overthink

did I say too much? yes

give too much away? yes

reveal all some of me? yes

& at the time I enjoyed the exchange

to give of thoughts ideas

memories stories that happened

but now the clam lid closes

back into my shell

that is enough for a week

or two

she comes she comes

in the middle of the night

the early hours when sleep

seems for another friend

just not mine

not her face oh lord no

that we never want

just the things she did

& said

those rotten shitty things

keep roiling thru’ my head

& she comes in conversations

do you ever hear from?

in people who don’t know

not to ask these things

that we’re a long time done

& she put the wedges in

between me other people we knew

I had to end her for the infidelity

the evasions non love brings

the lies & stories she felt kept her free

but we both knew what was true

& she twisted all of that for me

for them for all of us for you

but she comes she comes

in the early dark hours

reminding that I gave all I could

& that is never enough

for those who love themselves

more

than they ever can you

other stories in time

he took a train

I saw him off at the station

turned & walked away

he would not be coming

this way ever again

though I did not fully understand

that at the time

my instincts told me so

& there wasn’t a sad eye

about the place

we were friends once

that time had come to an end

he would go on to lesser things

gambling women & the drink

never finding the money

to put ink to paper

a one time great friend

& later you hear stories from others

the spiral down the deep sink

to think of trains & stations

none of us the loser here

just different destinations

other stories in time