took me the whole way

took me the whole way

had what I thought was love

happy to be with you

trying out new ways

things to do

& you took me the whole way

further than anyone

ever

before

pillow talking hopes wishes dreams

the secret fantasies

I’d kept deep inside

I could be without embarrassment

no shame

& you took that faith for weakness

care love kindness for granted

so I had to let you go

& you thought to punish

to tell the world what was so

aah! the secrets out of the box

there was you thinking

it was me had the badness

the world needed to know

when it was you all along

they love the gossip

but no one loves the tattle tale

because I felt

she tells me now

of the times

I wanted to end this

end myself

help create shame

diminish me in some way

because I felt

deep on my failures

those things I did then

that did not work out

but I picked myself up

started over again

swearing never to forget

so here we are

still kicking

trying pushing on

because I felt

& try as she might

she cannot shame

hurt me now

because I felt

& that

never earns any of that

giving secrets out loud

to my grave

I hear you’re talking proud

giving secrets out loud

knowing I can keep yours

won’t do the same for you

I will take them to my grave

because what you don’t know is

the real power lies

in these being untold

the other truth you don’t know

too will take to my grave

the shame embarrassment

I feel at mention of your name

that I gave so much

for so little return

whence you came

There is always more than one way out

turn your life around

you can always go full circle

go back from whence you came

sure there may be a sense of defeat

hints of shame or failure so I’m told

a learning to be gained from about

or a sidestep to pick up let rip

with the money on a train bus

go missing leave your phone laptop

take flight fright in the night run

new town new life fresh wife love

or

you can send me photos from your phone

of your piles of money

rag eared thousands in cash

your grinning drug running buds

stacks of full baggies plain view

& we can wait for the po po

to kick in your door

stop you in your car or street

& hey presto

your new life will arrive

new threads new friends

complete

bullies

the knack with abusers is

they have a keen

ear

eye

sense for victims

spotting easy

those who have been

victims before

are a little insecure

& home in

on easy prey

& the only way out

is to ask the crowd

‘cos there always is one

what kind of person is this

takes delight

in putting unnecessary pain

on others?

putting shame on the bully

& the crowd

because everybody knows

what’s going on

papers the walls

the shame grows

heating head between ears

the things i said

tried to mean

just to keep her a little longer

tho’ you knew

anything you had was long dead

didn’t stop you trying

from this feeling of alone

here in this blue room

as the shame grows

hope papers the walls

another lover gone

a cold bed once more

another day to try again

putting the music on low

hoping to find a song

a lyric something

to make sense

escape the heat

in this sad stupid head

& now

they forget they made their positions plain

back then there was nothing for me

except very much more of the same

shame slander embarrassment & pain

tho’ they wonder why I set my face to go

away from them out happy into the rain

to sleep on beds of freezing bricks & cold

struggling to find something to hold on to

as they whisper now we have always been here

they forget I remember the nights no answers

their telephone ringing no ansaphone clear

no letters replied no responses no call backs

the times they kicked the dog no mind

I learned to stand maybe a little crooked

nevermind my leanings I grew them myself

sometimes sitting or standing these two feet

floating past my ears

all these words passing through

floating past my ears

people talking about family

things everybody knows

& nothing settles within

chimes resonates takes hold

their fulsome magic formula

of togetherness bonds of bind

where I have distance

strangers in a spread circle

using different languages

songs sung to separate

than join hands

fathers buried early

mothers gone to foreign lands

sister brothers halves & bastards

separated by vows of silence

things that cannot be spoken

secret shame whispered

in quieter corners behind hands

how I envy the warmth

to shake this coldness

that I will never understand

just sheer bloody inertia

you could tell me

lead me straight through

your door

but I will never understand

how you live here

when I’m gone

I understand there’s eating

drinking watching the tv

just what you people do

in your living together

seems to be a bore

you don’t talk much

sharing is for losers you say

so the wonder has to be

what is it you got

to make the other stay

is it the shame

hidden under the mattress

pride lost lying on the floor

fear for the world unkown

beyond your tattered curtains

or just sheer bloody inertia

keeps you living in sin?

plenty of nothing

walking the streets in the early hours

hoping to meet no one

plundering the depths of self-hate

huddling against the cold

the same thoughts going over

& over

how full of shame I was

waste of skin & bone

hoping death would come

not in any dramatic way

but cold as the stone wall I sat on

because when you are young

the infinity of nothing is preferable

than this creeping stifling of blood

no energy to move forward

even less to go back

mute & bound to the moment

no ideas to do anything

just alone & sad

& nothing prepares you for this

no words no comforts

this is yours alone