& even if I went there

I did not know any other way to be

no clues ideas inspiration

all support had dried away

& even if I went there

they too

had no other clues to give

I needed to change

change my life change me

without knowing

where I was heading

the route plan map to be

so I stopped dead

in whatever I was doing

got down to the basics

eating sleeping reading

noticing the world as it is

began building things in again

& if they did not work

help create a better day

dropped them quick

a long series of start stops

learning everyday

mistakes mishaps

which as you might gather

is still going on today

next county over

the agency got me a delivery number

driving a white panel van taking medical kit

to ill sick people across the county

first I had to find the equipment in the warehouse

picking up bedpans lifts ramps hoists the docket said

load these into the van working from supposed 8 to 5

finding my route via paper plan & sat nav

to remote places I had no ideas as to where

I was always late finishing no time for coffee

one handed eating a sandwich other driving

running onto the next the next stop dropping off

you know I quit not that I couldn’t get the job done

finishing most of my days sometimes after seven

but because

the people I delivered to bald headed angels

glowing with spirituality the serenity of close death

fierce cold coursing deep in their fine blue veins

frail old men in never got out of rancid beds

waving to me quietly pleased to see a live body

someone new tending to their terminal needs

glittering eyes in white faces from their loved ones

me a fresh face to speak to in their grind of living hell

but because

I was not strong enough to take these blows

killing me too slow in their pain of always arriving late

leaving too soon to go on to another level of pain