& even if I went there

I did not know any other way to be

no clues ideas inspiration

all support had dried away

& even if I went there

they too

had no other clues to give

I needed to change

change my life change me

without knowing

where I was heading

the route plan map to be

so I stopped dead

in whatever I was doing

got down to the basics

eating sleeping reading

noticing the world as it is

began building things in again

& if they did not work

help create a better day

dropped them quick

a long series of start stops

learning everyday

mistakes mishaps

which as you might gather

is still going on today

wanting to live easy

I know nothing

of these people who surround me

their raising nursery rhymes patterns of life

& they in turn know nothing of mine

we speak different languages dialect slang

yet nod smile connect as if we understand

such is the stuff of life the get along

pushing through our days

painless please if we can

living on good will

wanting to live easy

some idea that there is a plan

Don mebbe Quixote

I’m looking he said

for a woman

who likes to be looked after

will respect her man

look up to him

as her rock

foundation stone for her life

have supper ready for me

when I come home

keep the house clean

support me in my work

to build a social life with

I’ll take her on great holidays

cruises in the sun

sounds like a plan I say

you’ve done this before?

oh yes I did but but

she ran off with the carpet guy

took all my money

& was gone

but this time…

everything goes away

of all of them my grandmother

who held love in her eyes

those arms never turned me down

& you go

attend in body

when they put her in the ground

& where now?

so many more things died that day

everything you love

gets taken away

that girl with the bright eyes

you were clear enough not to love

taken by cancer

another another & another

take a look around

surrounded by ghosts of people

we care cared for gone to dust

& all you can do is one foot

in front of the other

keeping going in everything you do

as your memory grows holes

holding on to something

some kind of trust

that the plan will be explained

someday