this self loathing

this self loathing

low as a snake belly in the dust

the things lovers say in the night

jilted staring into the abyss

take me back & I will

do anything you ask me to

crawling lower than any animal can

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear never argue

will do anything you ask me to

accept your lovers the drinking

fighting the drugs stealing my cash

put up with the whole weary way

the mess you bring into my life

broken windows holes in the walls

dead cars abandoned in crashes

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear by this night

to do anything you ask me to

just please don’t leave me alone

the foxes scream

sleeping outside

early or is late?

hearing the foxes scream

only when I do this

do I remember

the why of it

the joy in night sounds

crackle of wood

sighing of the fire

it is me who gets in my own way

in the doing more of this

remembering the cold morning

the wake of aching bones

unyielding stiff hard ground

rather than the conversations

as we stare into the embers

when our truths get told

our closeness comes in

got to leave it

just let this be

not something I believe in

not sure I ever did

but they say they do

holding on tight for dear life

night after night

& if I had that strength

maybe I would too

but you know in the small hours

when their defences fail

demons have stirred the strong cup

their belief starts to straining

web thin as the veil

separating truth from fiction

low water in the well

long chain to pail

where everybody is thirsty

& all that belief is nothing but

needing something to hold onto

hoping

this will do

another jockey

she had the wet blue eyes

of the seasoned day drinker

who has lost where one day ends

& night begins

the path of sunlight others follow

I saw her crush out her last cigarette

let out a tired sigh & get up to go

just as she was fussing her lighter

into her back pocket

up came another jockey

in the fellowship of the few

you holding? he whispered

no I’m flat she sighed

I got a touch to get us started

he smiled

she smiled

they rode the distance to the bar

in seconds flat

another good day had started

happy pills

he told me

a little while before he died

they told him he was depressed

put him on the happy pills

& I knew I could not try

begin to explain

the shit he’d gone through

& keeping everything inside

is the cause the reason

alpha to omega due

the happy pills would do nothing

help in any easing of pain

the only way out to talk

& I knew saying let it rain

let everything go was no good

to this silent warrior

always stood tall mute no matter

the night freezing dark ice snow hail

everything thrown his way

would not help him find the sun

this or any other day

mad wilding dogs

listening to the dogs

echo in the night

call response

issuing warnings

notices

I know nothing of

but this

they will do

calling out to one another

secret signals

as to who feeds better

gives love

beatings

works harder or less

meat is freely given

where all I want

is for them to shut up

for a little while

while I contemplate the stars

in peace

& quiet

please

giddy

I’d got giddy on her

be all hugging trees

picnicking the deep woods

sitting in night silence

stalking spirit worlds

working to be ancient

a better vision person

wafting sage willy nilly

when all I wanted

was to be with

between her thighs

inside up close

holding on to her smell

smiles laughter love

as she wanted me

to be this other

wiser more spiritual

less lusty being

it was all a matter

who woke broke

blinked first

out there

sitting on the porch

of a once great motel

my own little patch of history

of motor court travelling

coke & ice machines on the corner

tho’ only the ice is working now

looking out at the night coming in

waiting for the neon to flicker

the clouds getting darker

the dying sun lighting their undersides

are you coming in? she calls

& all I’ve got in there is tv

maybe some loving later on

here I have everything I need

history nostalgia culture

a few cold beers in dripping free ice

thinking on of who else has sat here

wondering where what

tomorrow

the miles will bring

gone long gone

when freedom was a full tank

gone long gone

the excitement of those summers

holding off the light rain

doing things with each other

we had yet to find names

driving around no money no place to go

just hanging out with anyone everyone

going through the night laughing

bringing in the dawn the sun

playing music that changed our feelings

the way we felt about the world

& those people are gone long gone

to different places around the world

working stiffs each & every one

pulling their collars up against the rain

putting the hours in for sunny days

paying to go travel soak up the warmth

we had once for free in those years

now gone long gone