maybe 12 or 13

& for the first time

my body would not do

what I wanted

I had to try harder harder

the days of ease had gone

& now later

I remember those moments

with laughter

as my body now

will not do things I want it to either

& no extra exertion exercise

will make it so

the aches of age

once broken bones

hinting at arthritis to come

when winter twinges them

that strange sexuality

buzzing 24 hours more

a day

wanting wanting if never

quite sure what was needed

that too has eased to dull throb

no longer causing distress

to those around me

I was in such a rush

to get to maturity

& here it is the prize

glittering prizes

lacks maturity

is what it said clear black on white

there on my old school report

& that was hard to argue with

I was not focused in the slightest

when your home life is broken

wondering when the next beating comes

makes it harder to recognize context

from the lessons coming your way

not that there weren’t teachers who tried

but those who echoed my parents

in full hitler rigid authoritarian stance

were onto a loser with me

oh the irony of them calling me that

pushing me deeper into myself

rather than trying to pull me through

& what happens with all of that

is the kids with decent homes

go on to the glittering prizes

while those needing a hand up

only receive the hard back of it