fragment of another life

spain I felt

we were walking

a black carriage waiting

horses quiet eating

an archway date AD1786

you walking alongside

this time my mother

not my lover

though your love

felt strong deep

I recall brown sepia

sand colours heat light

the sadness of leaving

as we walked the street

Nietszche

reading Nietszche

to be told for all us

god is dead

everything is now

but physics at play

nature in tooth & claw

holding sway

feeling the disappointment

when I wanted more

searching to understand

finding metaphor

the lover you loved more than day

you find has another lover

when you thought they were yours

that sense of bewilderment

knowing this to be true

but still wanting to hold onto

what you once knew to be so

mebbe like me nietszche

confused by the trappings of church

like I confused what she said

& what she actually did

this song senor

this song senor he smiled

es one of love the lover

who has gone away

walked the mountains

the mesa desert dunes

to go earn a peso in another country

& all she has now are letters

of loneliness new old cars

cold water shared rooms

a life of working living hard

he put some effort & soul into it

& I swear I saw a trickle

a little bead of sweat

these were sweet lies

the song was an old back country ballad

I caught references to dying vaqueros

wrapped up in homespun linen

where there will forever be

bad sad deaths in the afternoon

but who was I in this hot place

to deny the mariachi his money

this meagre prize?

papers the walls

the shame grows

heating head between ears

the things i said

tried to mean

just to keep her a little longer

tho’ you knew

anything you had was long dead

didn’t stop you trying

from this feeling of alone

here in this blue room

as the shame grows

hope papers the walls

another lover gone

a cold bed once more

another day to try again

putting the music on low

hoping to find a song

a lyric something

to make sense

escape the heat

in this sad stupid head

done with me

in truth

she had very likely

been done with me for a while

had waited

to find the right time

to let me go

& we all know now

there is no right time

for the unlover

to tell the lover

this is over

stick a fork in it

we’re done

I don’t recall pleading

tho’ I certainly

felt some bleeding

tears coming on

walked away the pain

& when I

turned to look back

she was gone

peace to come

the problem with lover fights

is how

they throw stuff at you

in gobbets

huge arcs of flame

wanting to strike

find the wounded niche

where the scold can take hold

& they find me walking

I tell myself

them too

I’ll sit & listen to whatever you got

but start this screaming throwing stuff

& I’m gone

but they never believe

until

the room is empty

I’ve had them chase me down the street

throwing clothes out of windows

doing the c’mere come back

so I can hurt you more tango

calling me chickenshit for running away

but after that first corner

I can’t hear them anymore

I find a quiet bar

& wait for peace to come

the ayes have it

my boss felt I was some kind of thug

& discovered all kinds of evidence

that this was true

my woman thought I was her greatest lover

& found everything I did between the sheets

all that I said were sure indications

until that is the wind changed direction

my enemies knew in their bones I was an idiot

as every action word I uttered showed them truths

verified their deep considered deliberations

& there was nothing I could do to change any of that

there were some I taught told me I was kind

compassionate full of warmth & encouragement

while others decided the same words & actions

were signs of insanity sarcasm & subversion

& all of these are truths

while none hold water

the ayes may have it

while the noes hold power

& in all of these

I am but a seeker fumbling his way through

whatever happened to?

cold morning standing by the sink

looking out stirring coffee

& a sudden movement caught my eye

then a plop sound on the doormat

a fat white envelope handwritten

in a shaky spidery sloping scrawl

opening up to a long litany

list of the shitty things I did

am as an incomplete person

the biggest liar under the sun

hurter of feelings sloppy gun for hire

& reading I was waiting

for the obligatory lousy selfish lover section

& there it came towards the end

just before the bit about

how she had wasted her time on me

& I read to the end out of respect

for her hurt feelings

but there could be no point by point

long line reply

for after

whatever happened to

the once made promise

of love you forever

what could be said?

thug with unkind action

just a routine check up

invited to the surgery

& the banal questions they ask

how are the knees?

well Doc I’ve done a round or two

you were a boxer?

no not at all but y’know

I’ve swung when I’ve needed to

never was a back alley scrambler

as he retreats further behind his desk

more of a lover than a fighter

y’know how that goes….

& what do you do?

he inquired uneasy

I’m a writer

a poet

ah he says soft smile

growing comfortable

understanding now

he’s dealing with just another lunatic

in his day to day

not a thug with unkind action

just in the words please