this self loathing

this self loathing

low as a snake belly in the dust

the things lovers say in the night

jilted staring into the abyss

take me back & I will

do anything you ask me to

crawling lower than any animal can

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear never argue

will do anything you ask me to

accept your lovers the drinking

fighting the drugs stealing my cash

put up with the whole weary way

the mess you bring into my life

broken windows holes in the walls

dead cars abandoned in crashes

just give me your bad love

another while longer or two

& I will I swear by this night

to do anything you ask me to

just please don’t leave me alone

I see

those sergeant major eyes

checking corners for dust

carpet for mud specks

kitchen for comparisons

to her spotless place

bigger rooms for size

she got a nice new lease car now

holidays in the sun on layaway

but I don’t see her laughing much

getting out amongst friends

doing the things you do

y’know like for fun

& I’m ok with what she got

I’m happy can live with the ways

we got the things we do

hoping one day she will find

her happiness too

the next motel

all I ever wanted to do

was walk down the dirt road

I saw through a car window

somewhere between

California & Arizona

a single mail box by the blacktop

to be dropped off by a friend

walking the last few miles

dusted in thirty degree heat

holding all I owned in my grip

to our cabin base of the hills

surrounded by trees & quiet

where you would be waiting for me

wanting my news word of the world

to hold me again

instead

I drove on to the next motel

ruined

the energy

in motion

after you you fat swine

I went after younger men

needing the love

the energy

mute devotion

you ruined me

made a mess of my mind

chasing down young boys

searching for the good time

& they gave me lust

dancing until dawn

wanting more more more

& all you offered

you rotten old man

was emptiness distances dust

& I smiled

whispered thank you for the visit

closed the door on the drama

as all fat rotten old swine must

dust from distant places

back a couple of days

& looking around

the piles of stuff

needs washing

putting away

hanging on the wall

the knick knacks souvenirs

picture postcards on the fridge

creating tracks across the floor

the sand from far off places

leading to & from the door

leaving reminders

once we weren’t here at all

& the stuff that doesn’t show

is the dust from distant places

settling slow in my mind

the spain I miss

backroads covered in dust

wild dogs eating roadside goat

café tabac bars dry doughnuts

hams hanging from the ceiling

swaying in the cigarette smoke

sweating into paper cups

strange faces with a soft smile

for the stranger guarded

yet open to what may come next

miles of olive trees

on ancient sculpted ground

black bulls standing ferociously

waiting for death in the afternoon

gold fields where the wheat has been

dry rivers to walk in the mornings

travelling for miles hoping to find

cold beers tapas into long evenings

remind me

remind me

just what it was

I did to you

for you to behave this way?

take away my world

rip the rug under my feet

is it revenge

seeking for something sweet

a dance around my funeral fire

muttering mad phrases

pulling my heart to pieces

feeding them to the pyre

when will be enough?

nothing left but rust

fragments of yesterday

blue lint grey dust

I hope you may be happy then

but you know

& I know

you will still be a liar

Dust on the wind

love goes

comes fleetingly

& when it goes

there ain’t no bringing back

no use lighting fires

there on the beach

casting spells to the waves

burning candles for hope

wishing on wednesdays

for whoever that was

is now clear out of reach

the best you can say

there must be dust in the wind

brings a tear to my eye

& if your friends are the true kind

they too will blink

call out

aye

 

driving in the old town

& I thought I saw you

compensating some for age

distance sunlight in my eyes

slowed to see if it really was you

& the cars on the other side

got in the way of my fantasy

later wondering thinking

how would I be with you now?

could we ever just say hello

hi how are you & goodbye

talk delicately

of other new lives

& I don’t really know

how if I’d be with you there

whether hurt hate anger resentment

still linger or are gone

disappeared into the ether of time

or buried deep under layers of earth

created by not seeing you dust deposits

settled from the air to settle in corners

layering over whatever emotions lay there

forgotten

In the distance the dust storm hazes the horizon

on the edge of the desert

you take your peace where you will

in denial of the reality twenty feet away

a little blue pool

with german boys playing poor r&b

not quite singing the words right (or in tune)

no prisoners here

as the sun beats down

creating sweat crystals on brown hands

holding the pen & pabst blue ribbon

we have all travelled to get here

this little bit of American blue pool

thin strip of green at the edge of the sand

where we only acknowledge each other in passing

any more would be to open up

horrors nobody wants or needs

as the wind whorls around us

& out into the bright desert again

reeking of sun tan lotion & pabst

& nothing that matters

or has any consequence